Top 35 Funny Friday Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

2. “A computer is like air conditioning – it becomes useless when you open Windows.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Technology Quotes

3. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes, Sweet Quotes, Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes

4. “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

— Marilyn Monroe

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Beautiful Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes

5. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

6. “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

7. “Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.”

— Lord Byron

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Funny Quotes, Happy Quotes, Feel Good Quotes

8. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Fitness Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

9. “In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes

10. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

11. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About People

12. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Creative Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

13. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

14. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Path Quotes, Clever Quotes

15. “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.”

— Warren Buffett

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

16. “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”

— Charlie Chaplin

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Funny Movie Quotes

17. “Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Witty Quotes

18. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

19. “There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.”

— Frank Zappa

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

20. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

21. “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”

— Clint Eastwood

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

22. “Things just happen. What the hell.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes

23. “The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

24. “My mind reels with sarcastic replies.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

25. “If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large.”

— Jeff Bezos

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

26. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

— Andy Rooney

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

27. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

28. “Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Rights Quotes, Coffee Quotes

29. “There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

— Bertrand Russell

30. “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

31. “Wu-Tang is for the children.”

— Ol' Dirty Bastard

Also featured in: Music Quotes, Crazy Quotes

32. “A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.”

— Linda Poindexter

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Parenting Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Father's Day Quotes

33. “It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

— Ronald Reagan

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

34. “I make more mistakes than anyone else I know, and sooner or later, I patent most of them.”

— Thomas A. Edison

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes

35. “If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

— Robert Orben

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Friendship Quotes

36. “Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Short Funny Quotes