Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.”

— Craig Ferguson

52. “When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die.”

— Craig Ferguson

53. “Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”

— Craig Ferguson

54. “Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.”

— Craig Ferguson

55. “Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.”

— Craig Ferguson

56. “According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.”

— Craig Ferguson

57. “Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.”

— Craig Ferguson

58. “I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.”

— Craig Ferguson

59. “Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!”

— Craig Ferguson

60. “The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.”

— Craig Ferguson

61. “I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That’s wrong. That type of political pandering isn’t meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It’s meant for the Supreme Court.”

— Craig Ferguson

62. “If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.”

— Craig Ferguson

63. “Time is only linear for engineers and referees.”

— Craig Ferguson

64. “It’s a great day for America, everybody! It’s Monday, woo.”

— Craig Ferguson

65. “I’ve been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can’t run. That was a revelation.”

— Craig Ferguson

66. “I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.”

— Craig Ferguson

67. “Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.”

— Craig Ferguson

68. “I don’t just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they’re naughty.”

— Craig Ferguson

69. “Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.”

— Craig Ferguson

70. “When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.”

— Craig Ferguson

71. “I don’t know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It’s not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it’s celebrities.”

— Craig Ferguson

72. “Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need – another excuse to be jerks.”

— Craig Ferguson

73. “From this moment on I’d dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?”

— Craig Ferguson

74. “He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.”

— Craig Ferguson

75. “Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.”

— Craig Ferguson

76. “A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.”

— Craig Ferguson

77. “Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.”

— Craig Ferguson

78. “An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.”

— Craig Ferguson

79. “I can’t wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.”

— Craig Ferguson

80. “Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.”

— Craig Ferguson

81. “I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.”

— Craig Ferguson

82. “I realized women and humor were linked very closely.”

— Craig Ferguson

83. “I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.”

— Craig Ferguson

84. “Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.”

— Craig Ferguson

85. “The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.”

— Craig Ferguson

86. “Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called “parents of children in the spelling bee.” They’re trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.”

— Craig Ferguson

87. “I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn’t understand. I actually think that’s part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.”

— Craig Ferguson

88. “I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.”

— Craig Ferguson

89. “I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I’m a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don’t care for it.”

— Craig Ferguson

90. “Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

— Craig Ferguson

91. “Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.”

— Craig Ferguson

92. “Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.”

— Craig Ferguson

93. “The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.”

— Craig Ferguson

94. “The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.”

— Craig Ferguson

95. “Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.”

— Craig Ferguson

96. “I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.”

— Craig Ferguson

97. “Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn’t it?”

— Craig Ferguson

98. “Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.”

— Craig Ferguson

99. “Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She’s going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.”

— Craig Ferguson

100. “You know when you’re a kid and you think, ‘Oh no, I’ve got double math, this is never gonna end,’ but then it ends, and it’s like it never happened? That’s like life.”

— Craig Ferguson