Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.”

— Craig Ferguson

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

2. “Change is the law of God’s mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.”

— Craig Ferguson

3. “There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles.”

— Craig Ferguson

4. “I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.”

— Craig Ferguson

5. “It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.”

— Craig Ferguson

Featured in: Veteran's Day Quotes

6. “Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.”

— Craig Ferguson

7. “You gotta laugh because if you didn’t you’d cry.”

— Craig Ferguson

8. “I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.”

— Craig Ferguson

9. “Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday.”

— Craig Ferguson

10. “I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it.”

— Craig Ferguson

11. “Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.”

— Craig Ferguson

12. “Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.”

— Craig Ferguson

Featured in: Country Quotes

13. “Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.”

— Craig Ferguson

14. “If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”

— Craig Ferguson

15. “Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.”

— Craig Ferguson

16. “Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”

— Craig Ferguson

17. “Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch – or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.”

— Craig Ferguson

18. “They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.”

— Craig Ferguson

19. “Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.”

— Craig Ferguson

20. “During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.”

— Craig Ferguson

21. “Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.”

— Craig Ferguson

22. “If you don’t vote, you’re a moron.”

— Craig Ferguson

23. “In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.”

— Craig Ferguson

Featured in: Country Quotes

24. “Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.”

— Craig Ferguson

25. “I haven’t had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I’m tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.”

— Craig Ferguson

Featured in: Tattoo Quotes

26. “Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.”

— Craig Ferguson

27. “President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.”

— Craig Ferguson

28. “I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: ‘Wait a minute – if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?’ And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.”

— Craig Ferguson

29. “I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’”

— Craig Ferguson

30. “Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need – another excuse to be jerks.”

— Craig Ferguson

31. “If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it!”

— Craig Ferguson

32. “BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up.”

— Craig Ferguson

33. “Great, as long as you’re happy.”

— Craig Ferguson

34. “I’m not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer – I’m a dragon irritater.”

— Craig Ferguson

35. “World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.”

— Craig Ferguson

36. “I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’”

— Craig Ferguson

37. “Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something.”

— Craig Ferguson

38. “Don’t hit women. Never, ever, ever.”

— Craig Ferguson

39. “These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.”

— Craig Ferguson

40. “I didn’t say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”

— Craig Ferguson

41. “Twas the night before Thanksgiving.”

— Craig Ferguson

42. “Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom? but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom?”

— Craig Ferguson

43. “Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

— Craig Ferguson

44. “That’s here on CBS, where the ‘C’ stands for ‘Classy’ and the ‘BS’ speaks for itself.”

— Craig Ferguson

45. “I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers.”

— Craig Ferguson

46. “There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.”

— Craig Ferguson

47. “If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”

— Craig Ferguson

48. “I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”

— Craig Ferguson

49. “The Universe is very, very big.”

— Craig Ferguson

50. “I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.”

— Craig Ferguson