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Craig Ferguson Quotes

Craig Ferguson Quote: “It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Change is the law of God’s mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “You gotta laugh because if you didn’t you’d cry.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “If you don’t vote, you’re a moron.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I haven’t had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I’m tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I’m not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer – I’m a dragon irritater.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Great, as long as you’re happy.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch – or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom? but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom?”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “That’s here on CBS, where the ‘C’ stands for ‘Classy’ and the ‘BS’ speaks for itself.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “The Universe is very, very big.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I didn’t say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.”
Craig Ferguson Quote: “Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.”
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