Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I aim to please. I’m nothing if not a vaudevillian.”

— Craig Ferguson

102. “If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.”

— Craig Ferguson

103. “These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.”

— Craig Ferguson

104. “I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.”

— Craig Ferguson

105. “I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic – or a good one depending on your point of view.”

— Craig Ferguson

106. “I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”

— Craig Ferguson

107. “Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.”

— Craig Ferguson

108. “Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.”

— Craig Ferguson

109. “Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?”

— Craig Ferguson

110. “I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.”

— Craig Ferguson

111. “I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don’t know for sure.”

— Craig Ferguson

112. “Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they’re straight. It’s over!”

— Craig Ferguson

113. “The truth is, you win the Lotto. That’s really how you have to approach it. You’re a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.”

— Craig Ferguson

114. “Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.”

— Craig Ferguson

115. “The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.”

— Craig Ferguson

116. “Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.”

— Craig Ferguson

117. “Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

— Craig Ferguson

118. “Don’t ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don’t want to be one.”

— Craig Ferguson

119. “It must be depressing to have your sole purpose in the universe be pointing out other people’s mistakes. Am I right, Internet trolls, gossip columnists, and clergymen?”

— Craig Ferguson

120. “A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.”

— Craig Ferguson

121. “There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”

— Craig Ferguson

122. “I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.”

— Craig Ferguson

123. “I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn’t.”

— Craig Ferguson

124. “You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”

— Craig Ferguson

125. “I’m always a bit shy around evil people...”

— Craig Ferguson

126. “HD doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s a technical thing. It’s like demographics. A lot of people know about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

127. “My pilot’s license. I’m proud of that.”

— Craig Ferguson

128. “When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.”

— Craig Ferguson

129. “I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.”

— Craig Ferguson

130. “If it doesn’t work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.”

— Craig Ferguson

131. “I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

— Craig Ferguson

132. “Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.”

— Craig Ferguson

133. “Oh Satan you’re a wily one.”

— Craig Ferguson

134. “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.”

— Craig Ferguson

135. “The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.”

— Craig Ferguson

136. “Personally, I hope he doesn’t get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don’t want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.”

— Craig Ferguson

137. “The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.”

— Craig Ferguson

138. “I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.”

— Craig Ferguson

139. “The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.”

— Craig Ferguson

140. “It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

— Craig Ferguson

141. “The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.”

— Craig Ferguson

142. “I don’t like my politicians entertaining me and I don’t like my entertainers politicianing me.”

— Craig Ferguson

143. “In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.”

— Craig Ferguson

144. “The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.”

— Craig Ferguson

145. “Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.”

— Craig Ferguson

146. “I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.”

— Craig Ferguson

147. “I don’t see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.”

— Craig Ferguson

148. “Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.”

— Craig Ferguson

149. “Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.”

— Craig Ferguson

150. “Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”

— Craig Ferguson