Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.”

— Craig Ferguson

102. “Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

— Craig Ferguson

103. “I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don’t know for sure.”

— Craig Ferguson

104. “Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn’t it?”

— Craig Ferguson

105. “When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.”

— Craig Ferguson

106. “Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they’re straight. It’s over!”

— Craig Ferguson

107. “I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic – or a good one depending on your point of view.”

— Craig Ferguson

108. “Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.”

— Craig Ferguson

109. “There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”

— Craig Ferguson

110. “Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She’s going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.”

— Craig Ferguson

111. “You know when you’re a kid and you think, ‘Oh no, I’ve got double math, this is never gonna end,’ but then it ends, and it’s like it never happened? That’s like life.”

— Craig Ferguson

112. “I aim to please. I’m nothing if not a vaudevillian.”

— Craig Ferguson

113. “If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.”

— Craig Ferguson

114. “I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.”

— Craig Ferguson

115. “It must be depressing to have your sole purpose in the universe be pointing out other people’s mistakes. Am I right, Internet trolls, gossip columnists, and clergymen?”

— Craig Ferguson

116. “Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.”

— Craig Ferguson

117. “Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.”

— Craig Ferguson

118. “I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.”

— Craig Ferguson

119. “My pilot’s license. I’m proud of that.”

— Craig Ferguson

120. “I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn’t.”

— Craig Ferguson

121. “The truth is, you win the Lotto. That’s really how you have to approach it. You’re a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.”

— Craig Ferguson

122. “Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.”

— Craig Ferguson

123. “I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

— Craig Ferguson

124. “I’m always a bit shy around evil people...”

— Craig Ferguson

125. “Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.”

— Craig Ferguson

126. “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.”

— Craig Ferguson

127. “Don’t ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don’t want to be one.”

— Craig Ferguson

128. “A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.”

— Craig Ferguson

129. “I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.”

— Craig Ferguson

130. “You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”

— Craig Ferguson

131. “If it doesn’t work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.”

— Craig Ferguson

132. “I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.”

— Craig Ferguson

133. “Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.”

— Craig Ferguson

134. “HD doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s a technical thing. It’s like demographics. A lot of people know about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

135. “The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.”

— Craig Ferguson

136. “The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.”

— Craig Ferguson

137. “I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.”

— Craig Ferguson

138. “The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.”

— Craig Ferguson

139. “Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.”

— Craig Ferguson

140. “The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.”

— Craig Ferguson

141. “Ocean’s 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn’t want to see that? Well you, apparantly, ’cause you’re watching me.”

— Craig Ferguson

142. “Oh Satan you’re a wily one.”

— Craig Ferguson

143. “Personally, I hope he doesn’t get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don’t want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.”

— Craig Ferguson

144. “The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.”

— Craig Ferguson

145. “Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.”

— Craig Ferguson

146. “I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.”

— Craig Ferguson

147. “The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.”

— Craig Ferguson

148. “Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.”

— Craig Ferguson

149. “It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

— Craig Ferguson

150. “I don’t like my politicians entertaining me and I don’t like my entertainers politicianing me.”

— Craig Ferguson