Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.”

— Craig Ferguson

202. “In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.”

— Craig Ferguson

203. “This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it’s all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.”

— Craig Ferguson

204. “For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom.”

— Craig Ferguson

205. “You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.”

— Craig Ferguson

206. “For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.”

— Craig Ferguson

207. “The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.”

— Craig Ferguson

208. “Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.”

— Craig Ferguson

209. “I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.”

— Craig Ferguson

210. “CBS announced they’re canceling As The World Turns. Don’t worry though, if you’re addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.”

— Craig Ferguson

211. “Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.”

— Craig Ferguson

212. “I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.”

— Craig Ferguson

213. “Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way.”

— Craig Ferguson

214. “The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.”

— Craig Ferguson

215. “If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.”

— Craig Ferguson

216. “Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.”

— Craig Ferguson

217. “I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.”

— Craig Ferguson

218. “I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?”

— Craig Ferguson

219. “I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.”

— Craig Ferguson

220. “The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”

— Craig Ferguson

221. “The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”

— Craig Ferguson

222. “It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They’re now free of Ebola – and Democrats.”

— Craig Ferguson

223. “Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!”

— Craig Ferguson

224. “It’s fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space ‘the Bruce Jenner effect.’”

— Craig Ferguson

225. “According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.”

— Craig Ferguson

226. “Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.”

— Craig Ferguson

227. “President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.”

— Craig Ferguson

228. “From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.”

— Craig Ferguson

229. “Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’”

— Craig Ferguson

230. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of failure; the most interesting people I know have failed more than they have succeeded. This may be because life is not as simple as it appears to a desperately ambitious young man, or it could be that all my friends are losers.”

— Craig Ferguson

231. “I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.”

— Craig Ferguson

232. “Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.”

— Craig Ferguson

233. “Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’”

— Craig Ferguson

234. “I salute Rick Perry for the way he’s trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he’s not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can’t remember.”

— Craig Ferguson

235. “People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.”

— Craig Ferguson

236. “Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.”

— Craig Ferguson

237. “You should never protest outside a rich guy’s home during the day because he’s not there. He’s at work grinding the faces of the poor.”

— Craig Ferguson

238. “Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.”

— Craig Ferguson

239. “People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.”

— Craig Ferguson

240. “Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.”

— Craig Ferguson

241. “I was struck by the ancient, pagan feel of the place. New Orleans doesn’t feel like any other American city I’ve been to. It has an atmosphere like Rome or Istanbul, a sense of the veil being very thin between this world and the world of the fictional and the dead. It is an eerie, haunted, and beautiful place – as any port should be.”

— Craig Ferguson

242. “You know, I think there’s a good rule of thumb here: Don’t take nutritional advice from other species.”

— Craig Ferguson

243. “I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy train wreck.”

— Craig Ferguson

244. “Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.”

— Craig Ferguson

245. “Dell Computers announced they’re releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.”

— Craig Ferguson

246. “At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”

— Craig Ferguson

247. “Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”

— Craig Ferguson

248. “That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.”

— Craig Ferguson

249. “The 3-D effects in “Star Wars” are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.”

— Craig Ferguson

250. “114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.”

— Craig Ferguson