Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way.”

— Craig Ferguson

202. “The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

— Craig Ferguson

203. “People sometimes say to me: “Craig, get out of my garden.””

— Craig Ferguson

204. “Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.”

— Craig Ferguson

205. “In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.”

— Craig Ferguson

206. “If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.”

— Craig Ferguson

207. “Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.”

— Craig Ferguson

208. “I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?”

— Craig Ferguson

209. “For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.”

— Craig Ferguson

210. “I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.”

— Craig Ferguson

211. “The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”

— Craig Ferguson

212. “My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn’t noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

213. “I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.”

— Craig Ferguson

214. “The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”

— Craig Ferguson

215. “I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.”

— Craig Ferguson

216. “It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They’re now free of Ebola – and Democrats.”

— Craig Ferguson

217. “Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!”

— Craig Ferguson

218. “This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.”

— Craig Ferguson

219. “The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.”

— Craig Ferguson

220. “From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.”

— Craig Ferguson

221. “Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’”

— Craig Ferguson

222. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of failure; the most interesting people I know have failed more than they have succeeded. This may be because life is not as simple as it appears to a desperately ambitious young man, or it could be that all my friends are losers.”

— Craig Ferguson

223. “I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.”

— Craig Ferguson

224. “Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’”

— Craig Ferguson

225. “I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.”

— Craig Ferguson

226. “People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.”

— Craig Ferguson

227. “I salute Rick Perry for the way he’s trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he’s not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can’t remember.”

— Craig Ferguson

228. “You should never protest outside a rich guy’s home during the day because he’s not there. He’s at work grinding the faces of the poor.”

— Craig Ferguson

229. “Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.”

— Craig Ferguson

230. “People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.”

— Craig Ferguson

231. “Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.”

— Craig Ferguson

232. “Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.”

— Craig Ferguson

233. “I’ve got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.”

— Craig Ferguson

234. “You know, I think there’s a good rule of thumb here: Don’t take nutritional advice from other species.”

— Craig Ferguson

235. “It’s fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space ‘the Bruce Jenner effect.’”

— Craig Ferguson

236. “Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.”

— Craig Ferguson

237. “President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.”

— Craig Ferguson

238. “Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.”

— Craig Ferguson

239. “Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”

— Craig Ferguson

240. “That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.”

— Craig Ferguson

241. “The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.”

— Craig Ferguson

242. “The 3-D effects in “Star Wars” are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.”

— Craig Ferguson

243. “114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.”

— Craig Ferguson

244. “Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.”

— Craig Ferguson

245. “Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.”

— Craig Ferguson

246. “Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.”

— Craig Ferguson

247. “I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

— Craig Ferguson

248. “It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...”

— Craig Ferguson

249. “New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can’t make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.”

— Craig Ferguson

250. “If you know anything about me – and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.”

— Craig Ferguson