Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.”

— Craig Ferguson

202. “Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way.”

— Craig Ferguson

203. “The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

— Craig Ferguson

204. “People sometimes say to me: “Craig, get out of my garden.””

— Craig Ferguson

205. “This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.”

— Craig Ferguson

206. “Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.”

— Craig Ferguson

207. “I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.”

— Craig Ferguson

208. “In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.”

— Craig Ferguson

209. “This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it’s all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.”

— Craig Ferguson

210. “For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom.”

— Craig Ferguson

211. “You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.”

— Craig Ferguson

212. “For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.”

— Craig Ferguson

213. “The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.”

— Craig Ferguson

214. “The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”

— Craig Ferguson

215. “The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”

— Craig Ferguson

216. “It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They’re now free of Ebola – and Democrats.”

— Craig Ferguson

217. “Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!”

— Craig Ferguson

218. “The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.”

— Craig Ferguson

219. “If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.”

— Craig Ferguson

220. “Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.”

— Craig Ferguson

221. “I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.”

— Craig Ferguson

222. “I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?”

— Craig Ferguson

223. “I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.”

— Craig Ferguson

224. “People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.”

— Craig Ferguson

225. “I was struck by the ancient, pagan feel of the place. New Orleans doesn’t feel like any other American city I’ve been to. It has an atmosphere like Rome or Istanbul, a sense of the veil being very thin between this world and the world of the fictional and the dead. It is an eerie, haunted, and beautiful place – as any port should be.”

— Craig Ferguson

226. “Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.”

— Craig Ferguson

227. “You know, I think there’s a good rule of thumb here: Don’t take nutritional advice from other species.”

— Craig Ferguson

228. “I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy train wreck.”

— Craig Ferguson

229. “It’s fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space ‘the Bruce Jenner effect.’”

— Craig Ferguson

230. “According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.”

— Craig Ferguson

231. “Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.”

— Craig Ferguson

232. “President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.”

— Craig Ferguson

233. “From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.”

— Craig Ferguson

234. “Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’”

— Craig Ferguson

235. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of failure; the most interesting people I know have failed more than they have succeeded. This may be because life is not as simple as it appears to a desperately ambitious young man, or it could be that all my friends are losers.”

— Craig Ferguson

236. “I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.”

— Craig Ferguson

237. “Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.”

— Craig Ferguson

238. “Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’”

— Craig Ferguson

239. “I salute Rick Perry for the way he’s trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he’s not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can’t remember.”

— Craig Ferguson

240. “People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.”

— Craig Ferguson

241. “Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.”

— Craig Ferguson

242. “You should never protest outside a rich guy’s home during the day because he’s not there. He’s at work grinding the faces of the poor.”

— Craig Ferguson

243. “Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.”

— Craig Ferguson

244. “I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

— Craig Ferguson

245. “It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...”

— Craig Ferguson

246. “New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can’t make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.”

— Craig Ferguson

247. “If you know anything about me – and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.”

— Craig Ferguson

248. “After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.”

— Craig Ferguson

249. “Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been ‘acting’ like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.”

— Craig Ferguson

250. “I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.”

— Craig Ferguson