Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.”

— Craig Ferguson

252. “If Scotland and America go to war, I’m afraid I’ve already sworn in.”

— Craig Ferguson

253. “Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.”

— Craig Ferguson

254. “Dell Computers announced they’re releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.”

— Craig Ferguson

255. “At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”

— Craig Ferguson

256. “Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”

— Craig Ferguson

257. “That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.”

— Craig Ferguson

258. “The 3-D effects in “Star Wars” are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.”

— Craig Ferguson

259. “114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.”

— Craig Ferguson

260. “Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.”

— Craig Ferguson

261. “Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.”

— Craig Ferguson

262. “I wanted to be a rock star.”

— Craig Ferguson

263. “Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’”

— Craig Ferguson

264. “Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.”

— Craig Ferguson

265. “You know, your whole life you’re concerned about money for this and that. And then you don’t have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.”

— Craig Ferguson

266. “I don’t get emails from my corporate overlords.”

— Craig Ferguson

267. “Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.”

— Craig Ferguson

268. “I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.”

— Craig Ferguson

269. “Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.”

— Craig Ferguson

270. “The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.”

— Craig Ferguson

271. “The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.”

— Craig Ferguson

272. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

— Craig Ferguson

273. “Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”

— Craig Ferguson

274. “You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

— Craig Ferguson

275. “I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.”

— Craig Ferguson

276. “Stand by your bed and salute me.”

— Craig Ferguson

277. “The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.”

— Craig Ferguson

278. “Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.”

— Craig Ferguson

279. “Like many people who come to New York to live and then have to leave before they really want to, I spent the next three or four years with the vague feeling that there was a great party going on somewhere and I was not at it.”

— Craig Ferguson

280. “I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.”

— Craig Ferguson

281. “Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.”

— Craig Ferguson

282. “I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.”

— Craig Ferguson

283. “Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.”

— Craig Ferguson

284. “The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony.”

— Craig Ferguson

285. “Oprah’s quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.”

— Craig Ferguson

286. “It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.”

— Craig Ferguson

287. “Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.”

— Craig Ferguson

288. “That’s why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I’ve seen what happens when they get in cahoots.”

— Craig Ferguson

289. “I only like sports that Bond villains played.”

— Craig Ferguson

290. “I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”

— Craig Ferguson

291. “On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”

— Craig Ferguson

292. “I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.”

— Craig Ferguson

293. “She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.”

— Craig Ferguson

294. “The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.”

— Craig Ferguson

295. “If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you’re bullet-proof.”

— Craig Ferguson

296. “Whoever I had become had to die.”

— Craig Ferguson

297. “Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it’s faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up – that stuff is very similar.”

— Craig Ferguson

298. “It’s a book. It’s mine. And it’s done.”

— Craig Ferguson

299. “I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.”

— Craig Ferguson

300. “Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know.”

— Craig Ferguson