Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been ‘acting’ like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.”

— Craig Ferguson

252. “I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.”

— Craig Ferguson

253. “If Scotland and America go to war, I’m afraid I’ve already sworn in.”

— Craig Ferguson

254. “I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy train wreck.”

— Craig Ferguson

255. “A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.”

— Craig Ferguson

256. “Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.”

— Craig Ferguson

257. “According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.”

— Craig Ferguson

258. “Dell Computers announced they’re releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.”

— Craig Ferguson

259. “At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”

— Craig Ferguson

260. “Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.”

— Craig Ferguson

261. “The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.”

— Craig Ferguson

262. “The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.”

— Craig Ferguson

263. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

— Craig Ferguson

264. “You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

— Craig Ferguson

265. “Stand by your bed and salute me.”

— Craig Ferguson

266. “I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.”

— Craig Ferguson

267. “I wanted to be a rock star.”

— Craig Ferguson

268. “Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’”

— Craig Ferguson

269. “I was struck by the ancient, pagan feel of the place. New Orleans doesn’t feel like any other American city I’ve been to. It has an atmosphere like Rome or Istanbul, a sense of the veil being very thin between this world and the world of the fictional and the dead. It is an eerie, haunted, and beautiful place – as any port should be.”

— Craig Ferguson

270. “After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.”

— Craig Ferguson

271. “Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.”

— Craig Ferguson

272. “You know, your whole life you’re concerned about money for this and that. And then you don’t have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.”

— Craig Ferguson

273. “I don’t get emails from my corporate overlords.”

— Craig Ferguson

274. “Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.”

— Craig Ferguson

275. “I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.”

— Craig Ferguson

276. “I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.”

— Craig Ferguson

277. “Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.”

— Craig Ferguson

278. “I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.”

— Craig Ferguson

279. “Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.”

— Craig Ferguson

280. “The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony.”

— Craig Ferguson

281. “Oprah’s quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.”

— Craig Ferguson

282. “Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.”

— Craig Ferguson

283. “It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.”

— Craig Ferguson

284. “That’s why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I’ve seen what happens when they get in cahoots.”

— Craig Ferguson

285. “The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.”

— Craig Ferguson

286. “Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.”

— Craig Ferguson

287. “Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”

— Craig Ferguson

288. “If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you’re bullet-proof.”

— Craig Ferguson

289. “Whoever I had become had to die.”

— Craig Ferguson

290. “I only like sports that Bond villains played.”

— Craig Ferguson

291. “I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”

— Craig Ferguson

292. “On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”

— Craig Ferguson

293. “I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.”

— Craig Ferguson

294. “She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.”

— Craig Ferguson

295. “Like many people who come to New York to live and then have to leave before they really want to, I spent the next three or four years with the vague feeling that there was a great party going on somewhere and I was not at it.”

— Craig Ferguson

296. “Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know.”

— Craig Ferguson

297. “I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.”

— Craig Ferguson

298. “They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.”

— Craig Ferguson

299. “I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I’m lost.”

— Craig Ferguson

300. “I know that’s not the right accent, but I can’t do the right accent. It’s either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.”

— Craig Ferguson