Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 4 of 7

151. “Ocean’s 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn’t want to see that? Well you, apparantly, ’cause you’re watching me.”

— Craig Ferguson

152. “In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.”

— Craig Ferguson

153. “Only tyrants and fools made martyrs. He was certainly no fool. And he was no tyrant either- how could he be, he had suffered a hideous stroke. He was a victim. The victim excuse, where evil is born.”

— Craig Ferguson

154. “A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.”

— Craig Ferguson

155. “The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.”

— Craig Ferguson

156. “I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.”

— Craig Ferguson

157. “Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’”

— Craig Ferguson

158. “A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.”

— Craig Ferguson

159. “I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.”

— Craig Ferguson

160. “North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.”

— Craig Ferguson

161. “Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.”

— Craig Ferguson

162. “The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber – minus the part about everybody loving him.”

— Craig Ferguson

163. “The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’”

— Craig Ferguson

164. “I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.”

— Craig Ferguson

165. “I have a beard. Just not on my face...”

— Craig Ferguson

166. “Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana – conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’”

— Craig Ferguson

167. “There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.”

— Craig Ferguson

168. “I didn’t flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

169. “Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, ‘memoir’ is just a fancy word for ’a bunch of stuff that happened to me.”

— Craig Ferguson

170. “With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.”

— Craig Ferguson

171. “Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.”

— Craig Ferguson

172. “It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?”

— Craig Ferguson

173. “A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?”

— Craig Ferguson

174. “Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.”

— Craig Ferguson

175. “Director Oliver Stone says he’s going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can’t believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.”

— Craig Ferguson

176. “By the power of Steven Wright’s Beard!”

— Craig Ferguson

177. “There’s a commercial break coming and I’m very excited about it and you know why? Because that’s what keeps daddy in suits.”

— Craig Ferguson

178. “I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”

— Craig Ferguson

179. “For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the vulnerable.”

— Craig Ferguson

180. “The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’”

— Craig Ferguson

181. “This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm – I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.”

— Craig Ferguson

182. “I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to feel.”

— Craig Ferguson

183. “Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane.”

— Craig Ferguson

184. “Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...”

— Craig Ferguson

185. “Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.”

— Craig Ferguson

186. “Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn’t been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.”

— Craig Ferguson

187. “It’s very interesting to know what people are doing while you’re working on late-night television.”

— Craig Ferguson

188. “I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.”

— Craig Ferguson

189. “My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.”

— Craig Ferguson

190. “It’s tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.”

— Craig Ferguson

191. “Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.”

— Craig Ferguson

192. “I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.”

— Craig Ferguson

193. “For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom.”

— Craig Ferguson

194. “This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it’s all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.”

— Craig Ferguson

195. “You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.”

— Craig Ferguson

196. “I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.”

— Craig Ferguson

197. “The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.”

— Craig Ferguson

198. “Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.”

— Craig Ferguson

199. “I’m careful with money.”

— Craig Ferguson

200. “CBS announced they’re canceling As The World Turns. Don’t worry though, if you’re addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.”

— Craig Ferguson