Top 300 Craig Ferguson Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?”

— Craig Ferguson

152. “In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.”

— Craig Ferguson

153. “In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.”

— Craig Ferguson

154. “Only tyrants and fools made martyrs. He was certainly no fool. And he was no tyrant either- how could he be, he had suffered a hideous stroke. He was a victim. The victim excuse, where evil is born.”

— Craig Ferguson

155. “I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.”

— Craig Ferguson

156. “A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.”

— Craig Ferguson

157. “I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.”

— Craig Ferguson

158. “I don’t see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.”

— Craig Ferguson

159. “North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.”

— Craig Ferguson

160. “The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’”

— Craig Ferguson

161. “Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”

— Craig Ferguson

162. “I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.”

— Craig Ferguson

163. “A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.”

— Craig Ferguson

164. “Director Oliver Stone says he’s going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can’t believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.”

— Craig Ferguson

165. “Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’”

— Craig Ferguson

166. “There’s a commercial break coming and I’m very excited about it and you know why? Because that’s what keeps daddy in suits.”

— Craig Ferguson

167. “I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”

— Craig Ferguson

168. “It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?”

— Craig Ferguson

169. “The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber – minus the part about everybody loving him.”

— Craig Ferguson

170. “The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’”

— Craig Ferguson

171. “I have a beard. Just not on my face...”

— Craig Ferguson

172. “Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana – conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’”

— Craig Ferguson

173. “There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.”

— Craig Ferguson

174. “My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn’t noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

175. “I didn’t flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.”

— Craig Ferguson

176. “Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, ‘memoir’ is just a fancy word for ’a bunch of stuff that happened to me.”

— Craig Ferguson

177. “With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.”

— Craig Ferguson

178. “Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.”

— Craig Ferguson

179. “For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the vulnerable.”

— Craig Ferguson

180. “Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.”

— Craig Ferguson

181. “I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to feel.”

— Craig Ferguson

182. “By the power of Steven Wright’s Beard!”

— Craig Ferguson

183. “I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.”

— Craig Ferguson

184. “The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

— Craig Ferguson

185. “Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.”

— Craig Ferguson

186. “This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm – I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.”

— Craig Ferguson

187. “The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.”

— Craig Ferguson

188. “I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.”

— Craig Ferguson

189. “Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane.”

— Craig Ferguson

190. “Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...”

— Craig Ferguson

191. “Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.”

— Craig Ferguson

192. “Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn’t been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.”

— Craig Ferguson

193. “It’s very interesting to know what people are doing while you’re working on late-night television.”

— Craig Ferguson

194. “I’m careful with money.”

— Craig Ferguson

195. “My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.”

— Craig Ferguson

196. “It’s tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.”

— Craig Ferguson

197. “I’ve got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.”

— Craig Ferguson

198. “People sometimes say to me: “Craig, get out of my garden.””

— Craig Ferguson

199. “This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.”

— Craig Ferguson

200. “Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.”

— Craig Ferguson