Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’”

— Demetri Martin

52. “If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.”

— Demetri Martin

53. “The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.”

— Demetri Martin

54. “I’ve learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture’s attracted to squiggles.”

— Demetri Martin

55. “I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.”

— Demetri Martin

56. “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”

— Demetri Martin

57. “Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.”

— Demetri Martin

58. “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.”

— Demetri Martin

59. “A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.”

— Demetri Martin

60. “Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.”

— Demetri Martin

61. “If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.”

— Demetri Martin

62. “Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.”

— Demetri Martin

63. “Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.”

— Demetri Martin

64. “I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentance starts out with: ” I heard fron this guy who told somebody...”

— Demetri Martin

65. “When I was younger, I’d get very empirical with myself. “I have a hypothesis about myself. I’ll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I’ll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball.” So I’d try. “Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.””

— Demetri Martin

66. “I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

— Demetri Martin

67. “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

— Demetri Martin

68. “I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.”

— Demetri Martin

69. “If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.”

— Demetri Martin

70. “The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.”

— Demetri Martin

71. “There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.”

— Demetri Martin

72. “100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”

— Demetri Martin

73. “I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

— Demetri Martin

74. “I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.”

— Demetri Martin

75. “You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.”

— Demetri Martin

76. “In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.”

— Demetri Martin

77. “If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.”

— Demetri Martin

78. “When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’”

— Demetri Martin

79. “I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.”

— Demetri Martin

80. “There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.”

— Demetri Martin

81. “For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’”

— Demetri Martin

82. “If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.”

— Demetri Martin

83. “I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.”

— Demetri Martin

84. “When I first heard the term ‘training bra,’ I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, ‘Did you just say training bra? They’re training their chests? I had no idea.’ See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. ‘What’s her deal?’ Those are untrained titties.”

— Demetri Martin

85. “How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.”

— Demetri Martin

86. “I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.”

— Demetri Martin

87. “The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.”

— Demetri Martin

88. “Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.”

— Demetri Martin

89. “Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.”

— Demetri Martin

90. “I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’”

— Demetri Martin

91. “I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.”

— Demetri Martin

92. “It’s not enough to say I’m sorry. You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying I’m single.”

— Demetri Martin

93. “I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.”

— Demetri Martin

94. “When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don’t want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.”

— Demetri Martin

95. “This is a pie chart about procrastination.”

— Demetri Martin

96. “I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed.”

— Demetri Martin

97. “Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.”

— Demetri Martin

98. “I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over...”

— Demetri Martin

99. “A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.”

— Demetri Martin

100. “Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?”

— Demetri Martin