Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”

— Demetri Martin

52. “I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.”

— Demetri Martin

53. “I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.”

— Demetri Martin

54. “I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.”

— Demetri Martin

55. “I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed.”

— Demetri Martin

56. “Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.”

— Demetri Martin

57. “I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay.”

— Demetri Martin

58. “If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.”

— Demetri Martin

59. “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

— Demetri Martin

60. “Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.”

— Demetri Martin

61. “Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows.”

— Demetri Martin

62. “Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.”

— Demetri Martin

63. “I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’”

— Demetri Martin

64. “The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.”

— Demetri Martin

65. “I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.”

— Demetri Martin

66. “The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.”

— Demetri Martin

67. “I’ve learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture’s attracted to squiggles.”

— Demetri Martin

68. “Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.”

— Demetri Martin

69. “If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.”

— Demetri Martin

70. “I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentance starts out with: ” I heard fron this guy who told somebody...”

— Demetri Martin

71. “Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.”

— Demetri Martin

72. “The problem with most people, is that they are most people.”

— Demetri Martin

73. “I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that’s just like bringing more cake into the world.”

— Demetri Martin

74. “When I was younger, I’d get very empirical with myself. “I have a hypothesis about myself. I’ll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I’ll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball.” So I’d try. “Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.””

— Demetri Martin

75. “You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.”

— Demetri Martin

76. “I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

— Demetri Martin

77. “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

— Demetri Martin

78. “I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.”

— Demetri Martin

79. “If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.”

— Demetri Martin

80. “Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.”

— Demetri Martin

81. “The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.”

— Demetri Martin

82. “There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.”

— Demetri Martin

83. “Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.”

— Demetri Martin

84. “I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

— Demetri Martin

85. “I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.”

— Demetri Martin

86. “When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’”

— Demetri Martin

87. “THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”

— Demetri Martin

88. “If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.”

— Demetri Martin

89. “In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.”

— Demetri Martin

90. “When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.”

— Demetri Martin

91. “It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.”

— Demetri Martin

92. “I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.”

— Demetri Martin

93. “There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.”

— Demetri Martin

94. “For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’”

— Demetri Martin

95. “I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.”

— Demetri Martin

96. “I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.”

— Demetri Martin

97. “For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.”

— Demetri Martin

98. “If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.”

— Demetri Martin

99. “I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.”

— Demetri Martin

100. “When I first heard the term ‘training bra,’ I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, ‘Did you just say training bra? They’re training their chests? I had no idea.’ See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. ‘What’s her deal?’ Those are untrained titties.”

— Demetri Martin