Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “The earth without art is just eh.”

— Demetri Martin

2. “A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.”

— Demetri Martin

3. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

4. “The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

— Demetri Martin

5. “I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.”

— Demetri Martin

6. “The sofa is the enemy of productivity.”

— Demetri Martin

Featured in: Productivity Quotes

7. “It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.”

— Demetri Martin

8. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.”

— Demetri Martin

9. “I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.”

— Demetri Martin

10. “Don’t talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.”

— Demetri Martin

11. “I need to develop some patience – immediately.”

— Demetri Martin

12. “The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.”

— Demetri Martin

13. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

— Demetri Martin

14. “Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave.”

— Demetri Martin

15. “Clowns have no respect for pie.”

— Demetri Martin

16. “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

— Demetri Martin

17. “A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.”

— Demetri Martin

18. “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”

— Demetri Martin

19. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

— Demetri Martin

20. “If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”

— Demetri Martin

21. “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”

— Demetri Martin

22. “There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.”

— Demetri Martin

23. “A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”

— Demetri Martin

24. “A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”

— Demetri Martin

25. “When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.”

— Demetri Martin

26. “Whenever I try to spell ‘banana,’ I feel stupid because I don’t know when to end it.”

— Demetri Martin

27. “Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.”

— Demetri Martin

28. “Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. ‘Are you Cinnamon Buns?’ ‘You bet your sweet ass I am.’”

— Demetri Martin

29. “I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.”

— Demetri Martin

30. “At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience.”

— Demetri Martin

31. “I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said “I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.””

— Demetri Martin

32. “Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.”

— Demetri Martin

33. “They say it’s lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.”

— Demetri Martin

34. “When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that?”

— Demetri Martin

35. “I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.”

— Demetri Martin

36. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”

— Demetri Martin

37. “What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples!”

— Demetri Martin

38. “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.”

— Demetri Martin

39. “I’ve learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture’s attracted to squiggles.”

— Demetri Martin

40. “A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.”

— Demetri Martin

41. “When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.”

— Demetri Martin

42. “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”

— Demetri Martin

43. “I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that.”

— Demetri Martin

44. “Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.”

— Demetri Martin

45. “Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.”

— Demetri Martin

46. “Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.”

— Demetri Martin

47. “I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”

— Demetri Martin

48. “I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous ’cause dogs don’t have arms. If you’re going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.”

— Demetri Martin

49. “You know what’s the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it’s correcting yourself. No, better yet, it’s making lists.”

— Demetri Martin

50. “100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”

— Demetri Martin