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Demetri Martin Quotes

Demetri Martin Quote: “The earth without art is just eh.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The sofa is the enemy of productivity.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Don’t talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I need to develop some patience – immediately.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. ‘Are you Cinnamon Buns?’ ‘You bet your sweet ass I am.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Clowns have no respect for pie.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said “I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.””
Demetri Martin Quote: “Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “They say it’s lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “You know what’s the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it’s correcting yourself. No, better yet, it’s making lists.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that?”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples!”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.”
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