Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’”

— Demetri Martin

152. “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”

— Demetri Martin

153. “Sometimes I feel like I’m making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I’m not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, “Yeah, get him!” She got all mad at me. I was like, “I’m on your side here.””

— Demetri Martin

154. “I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don’t want tacos! Maybe.”

— Demetri Martin

155. “Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.”

— Demetri Martin

156. “It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.”

— Demetri Martin

157. “Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.”

— Demetri Martin

158. “A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn’t one of them.”

— Demetri Martin

159. “At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.”

— Demetri Martin

160. “It’s interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.”

— Demetri Martin

161. “Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.”

— Demetri Martin

162. “I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away.”

— Demetri Martin

163. “My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”

— Demetri Martin

164. “I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

— Demetri Martin

165. “One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.”

— Demetri Martin

166. “Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.”

— Demetri Martin

167. “Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.”

— Demetri Martin

168. “I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the ’80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.”

— Demetri Martin

169. “You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.”

— Demetri Martin

170. “Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.”

— Demetri Martin

171. “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

— Demetri Martin

172. “I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.”

— Demetri Martin

173. “A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend – until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.”

— Demetri Martin

174. “I don’t usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.”

— Demetri Martin

175. “I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God’s living by the motto ‘If at first you don’t succeed.’”

— Demetri Martin

176. “If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

— Demetri Martin

177. “I have an air mattress. It’s great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.”

— Demetri Martin

178. “I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.”

— Demetri Martin

179. “I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.”

— Demetri Martin

180. “When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.”

— Demetri Martin

181. “I love motor learning because it’s very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”

— Demetri Martin

182. “It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.”

— Demetri Martin

183. “I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.”

— Demetri Martin

184. “People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.”

— Demetri Martin

185. “I wasn’t the class clown, but I was starting to become the “crazy guy” at law school, which is the guy who is not so much “crazy” as “annoying.””

— Demetri Martin

186. “I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.”

— Demetri Martin

187. “When watering your plants, try to talk to them – say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.”

— Demetri Martin

188. “I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it’s at least a little bit funny.”

— Demetri Martin

189. “For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you’ve been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I’m sometimes confused.”

— Demetri Martin

190. “Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.”

— Demetri Martin

191. “Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.”

— Demetri Martin

192. “Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying.”

— Demetri Martin

193. “My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.”

— Demetri Martin

194. “I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like “Dude, you have abandonment issues””

— Demetri Martin

195. “Canoe plus waterfall equals I don’t go camping anymore.”

— Demetri Martin

196. “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

— Demetri Martin

197. “I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”

— Demetri Martin

198. “There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

199. “I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.”

— Demetri Martin

200. “It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”

— Demetri Martin