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Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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Demetri Martin Quote: “I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don’t want tacos! Maybe.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It’s essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It’s interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn’t one of them.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Sometimes I feel like I’m making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I’m not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, “Yeah, get him!” She got all mad at me. I was like, “I’m on your side here.””
Demetri Martin Quote: “My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the ’80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend – until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I don’t usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God’s living by the motto ‘If at first you don’t succeed.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I have an air mattress. It’s great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wasn’t the class clown, but I was starting to become the “crazy guy” at law school, which is the guy who is not so much “crazy” as “annoying.””
Demetri Martin Quote: “I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When watering your plants, try to talk to them – say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like “Dude, you have abandonment issues””
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it’s at least a little bit funny.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I love motor learning because it’s very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you’ve been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I’m sometimes confused.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Canoe plus waterfall equals I don’t go camping anymore.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.”
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