Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.”

— Demetri Martin

202. “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

— Demetri Martin

203. “A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”

— Demetri Martin

204. “I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.”

— Demetri Martin

205. “A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.”

— Demetri Martin

206. “I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.”

— Demetri Martin

207. “I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you’d need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn’t have something that clicked right away.”

— Demetri Martin

208. “If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”

— Demetri Martin

209. “I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?”

— Demetri Martin

210. “We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.”

— Demetri Martin

211. “To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”

— Demetri Martin

212. “Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.”

— Demetri Martin

213. “I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”

— Demetri Martin

214. “If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.”

— Demetri Martin

215. “99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”

— Demetri Martin

216. “I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.”

— Demetri Martin

217. “When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”

— Demetri Martin

218. “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”

— Demetri Martin

219. “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”

— Demetri Martin

220. “I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.”

— Demetri Martin

221. “Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.”

— Demetri Martin

222. “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.”

— Demetri Martin

223. “To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”

— Demetri Martin

224. “If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

— Demetri Martin

225. “Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”

— Demetri Martin

226. “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.”

— Demetri Martin

227. “I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

— Demetri Martin

228. “Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”

— Demetri Martin

229. “Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”

— Demetri Martin

230. “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

— Demetri Martin

231. “Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

— Demetri Martin

232. “I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”

— Demetri Martin

233. “I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

— Demetri Martin

234. “Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.”

— Demetri Martin

235. “Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.”

— Demetri Martin

236. “My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.”

— Demetri Martin

237. “Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

— Demetri Martin

238. “A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.”

— Demetri Martin

239. “I don’t want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”

— Demetri Martin

240. “There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

— Demetri Martin

241. “To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.”

— Demetri Martin

242. “To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.”

— Demetri Martin

243. “I have an erratic drummer for anybody who’s just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”

— Demetri Martin

244. “Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!””

— Demetri Martin

245. “I think they named the orange before the carrot.”

— Demetri Martin

246. “The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”

— Demetri Martin

247. “My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.”

— Demetri Martin

248. “The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

— Demetri Martin

249. “Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.”

— Demetri Martin

250. “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

— Demetri Martin