Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.”

— Demetri Martin

202. “Canoe plus waterfall equals I don’t go camping anymore.”

— Demetri Martin

203. “For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you’ve been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I’m sometimes confused.”

— Demetri Martin

204. “It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”

— Demetri Martin

205. “I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.”

— Demetri Martin

206. “If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.”

— Demetri Martin

207. “A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.”

— Demetri Martin

208. “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

— Demetri Martin

209. “I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”

— Demetri Martin

210. “I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.”

— Demetri Martin

211. “I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.”

— Demetri Martin

212. “A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”

— Demetri Martin

213. “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”

— Demetri Martin

214. “If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”

— Demetri Martin

215. “There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

— Demetri Martin

216. “To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”

— Demetri Martin

217. “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

— Demetri Martin

218. “Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.”

— Demetri Martin

219. “A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.”

— Demetri Martin

220. “When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”

— Demetri Martin

221. “If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

— Demetri Martin

222. “I don’t want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”

— Demetri Martin

223. “A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.”

— Demetri Martin

224. “I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?”

— Demetri Martin

225. “I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”

— Demetri Martin

226. “I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you’d need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn’t have something that clicked right away.”

— Demetri Martin

227. “Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.”

— Demetri Martin

228. “Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”

— Demetri Martin

229. “99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”

— Demetri Martin

230. “To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”

— Demetri Martin

231. “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”

— Demetri Martin

232. “I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.”

— Demetri Martin

233. “Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.”

— Demetri Martin

234. “I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

— Demetri Martin

235. “I think they named the orange before the carrot.”

— Demetri Martin

236. “Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”

— Demetri Martin

237. “My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.”

— Demetri Martin

238. “Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”

— Demetri Martin

239. “I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

— Demetri Martin

240. “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

— Demetri Martin

241. “I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

— Demetri Martin

242. “My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.”

— Demetri Martin

243. “When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!”

— Demetri Martin

244. “I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”

— Demetri Martin

245. “Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

— Demetri Martin

246. “Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

— Demetri Martin

247. “The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”

— Demetri Martin

248. “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”

— Demetri Martin

249. “I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

— Demetri Martin

250. “Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin