Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.”

— Demetri Martin

202. “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”

— Demetri Martin

203. “I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.”

— Demetri Martin

204. “If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”

— Demetri Martin

205. “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

— Demetri Martin

206. “To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”

— Demetri Martin

207. “I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”

— Demetri Martin

208. “99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”

— Demetri Martin

209. “When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”

— Demetri Martin

210. “Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”

— Demetri Martin

211. “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.”

— Demetri Martin

212. “Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.”

— Demetri Martin

213. “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.”

— Demetri Martin

214. “Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”

— Demetri Martin

215. “We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.”

— Demetri Martin

216. “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

— Demetri Martin

217. “A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”

— Demetri Martin

218. “Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.”

— Demetri Martin

219. “Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.”

— Demetri Martin

220. “If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

— Demetri Martin

221. “I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”

— Demetri Martin

222. “I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

— Demetri Martin

223. “Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.”

— Demetri Martin

224. “Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”

— Demetri Martin

225. “My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.”

— Demetri Martin

226. “A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.”

— Demetri Martin

227. “I don’t want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”

— Demetri Martin

228. “I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.”

— Demetri Martin

229. “Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.”

— Demetri Martin

230. “To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.”

— Demetri Martin

231. “I have an erratic drummer for anybody who’s just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”

— Demetri Martin

232. “I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

— Demetri Martin

233. “Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!””

— Demetri Martin

234. “I think they named the orange before the carrot.”

— Demetri Martin

235. “The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”

— Demetri Martin

236. “There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

— Demetri Martin

237. “Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

— Demetri Martin

238. “The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

— Demetri Martin

239. “To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.”

— Demetri Martin

240. “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

— Demetri Martin

241. “My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.”

— Demetri Martin

242. “Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

243. “Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.”

— Demetri Martin

244. “It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.”

— Demetri Martin

245. “They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

— Demetri Martin

246. “I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

— Demetri Martin

247. “Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

— Demetri Martin

248. “Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”

— Demetri Martin

249. “My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.”

— Demetri Martin

250. “Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.”

— Demetri Martin