Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

— Demetri Martin

202. “I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”

— Demetri Martin

203. “There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

204. “It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”

— Demetri Martin

205. “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.”

— Demetri Martin

206. “If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”

— Demetri Martin

207. “I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.”

— Demetri Martin

208. “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

— Demetri Martin

209. “I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.”

— Demetri Martin

210. “Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.”

— Demetri Martin

211. “A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.”

— Demetri Martin

212. “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.”

— Demetri Martin

213. “A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”

— Demetri Martin

214. “I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.”

— Demetri Martin

215. “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”

— Demetri Martin

216. “To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”

— Demetri Martin

217. “I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?”

— Demetri Martin

218. “I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”

— Demetri Martin

219. “When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”

— Demetri Martin

220. “I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you’d need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn’t have something that clicked right away.”

— Demetri Martin

221. “If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.”

— Demetri Martin

222. “99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”

— Demetri Martin

223. “To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”

— Demetri Martin

224. “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”

— Demetri Martin

225. “I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.”

— Demetri Martin

226. “Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.”

— Demetri Martin

227. “I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

— Demetri Martin

228. “Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”

— Demetri Martin

229. “I think they named the orange before the carrot.”

— Demetri Martin

230. “Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”

— Demetri Martin

231. “There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”

— Demetri Martin

232. “A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.”

— Demetri Martin

233. “Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”

— Demetri Martin

234. “They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

— Demetri Martin

235. “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

— Demetri Martin

236. “Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.”

— Demetri Martin

237. “If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

— Demetri Martin

238. “I don’t want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”

— Demetri Martin

239. “I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”

— Demetri Martin

240. “My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.”

— Demetri Martin

241. “Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

— Demetri Martin

242. “Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

— Demetri Martin

243. “I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

— Demetri Martin

244. “I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

— Demetri Martin

245. “My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.”

— Demetri Martin

246. “When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!”

— Demetri Martin

247. “Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

248. “To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.”

— Demetri Martin

249. “I have an erratic drummer for anybody who’s just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”

— Demetri Martin

250. “To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.”

— Demetri Martin