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Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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Demetri Martin Quote: “It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you’d need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn’t have something that clicked right away.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?”
Demetri Martin Quote: “We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
Demetri Martin Quote: “There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I don’t want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I think they named the orange before the carrot.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I have an erratic drummer for anybody who’s just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!””
Demetri Martin Quote: “Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
Demetri Martin Quote: “The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”
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