Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.”

— Demetri Martin

352. “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.”

— Demetri Martin

353. “A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.”

— Demetri Martin

354. “I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.”

— Demetri Martin

355. “And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.”

— Demetri Martin

356. “Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.”

— Demetri Martin

357. “One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’”

— Demetri Martin

358. “After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.”

— Demetri Martin

359. “A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.”

— Demetri Martin

360. “Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.”

— Demetri Martin

361. “The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers...”

— Demetri Martin

362. “I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.”

— Demetri Martin

363. “As a comic, I think I’m very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I’ve written or thought up and how I say it.”

— Demetri Martin

364. “I didn’t play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn’t even have any books at my house. I think about it and I’m like, I don’t know how I climbed out of there.”

— Demetri Martin

365. “I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”

— Demetri Martin

366. “I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.”

— Demetri Martin

367. “As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.”

— Demetri Martin

368. “As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.”

— Demetri Martin

369. “Vampires probably don’t have great breath.”

— Demetri Martin

370. “But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.”

— Demetri Martin

371. “What I’ve learned about my self over the years is that I’m pretty restless. If I multitask it’s probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.”

— Demetri Martin

372. “I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”

— Demetri Martin

373. “I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.”

— Demetri Martin

374. “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”

— Demetri Martin

375. “I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”

— Demetri Martin

376. “When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.”

— Demetri Martin

377. “I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.”

— Demetri Martin

378. “Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.”

— Demetri Martin

379. “History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.”

— Demetri Martin

380. “It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.”

— Demetri Martin

381. “A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.”

— Demetri Martin

382. “Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.”

— Demetri Martin

383. “The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

384. “And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”

— Demetri Martin

385. “The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.”

— Demetri Martin

386. “To me, comedy is a game.”

— Demetri Martin

387. “And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.”

— Demetri Martin

388. “Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.”

— Demetri Martin

389. “Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.”

— Demetri Martin

390. “You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.”

— Demetri Martin

391. “Once I started to look i finally began to see.”

— Demetri Martin

392. “I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.”

— Demetri Martin

393. “I think, at first blush, the ’60s always enticed me. There’s something about the ’60s, it’s not hard to like it.”

— Demetri Martin

394. “You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special – or even just what’s worth touring with.”

— Demetri Martin

395. “I never set out to do a sketch show.”

— Demetri Martin

396. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be a master at anything, but I think that’s a mistake for me personally. I don’t know how much it’s about the journey, but it’s more about the process.”

— Demetri Martin

397. “I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.”

— Demetri Martin

398. “When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.”

— Demetri Martin

399. “My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films – writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.”

— Demetri Martin

400. “I’m very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy – probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.”

— Demetri Martin