Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.”

— Demetri Martin

352. “If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.”

— Demetri Martin

353. “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.”

— Demetri Martin

354. “As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.”

— Demetri Martin

355. “As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.”

— Demetri Martin

356. “Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.”

— Demetri Martin

357. “One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’”

— Demetri Martin

358. “After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.”

— Demetri Martin

359. “If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.”

— Demetri Martin

360. “Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.”

— Demetri Martin

361. “The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers...”

— Demetri Martin

362. “I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.”

— Demetri Martin

363. “As a comic, I think I’m very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I’ve written or thought up and how I say it.”

— Demetri Martin

364. “I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”

— Demetri Martin

365. “I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.”

— Demetri Martin

366. “A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.”

— Demetri Martin

367. “Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.”

— Demetri Martin

368. “History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.”

— Demetri Martin

369. “Vampires probably don’t have great breath.”

— Demetri Martin

370. “A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.”

— Demetri Martin

371. “But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.”

— Demetri Martin

372. “What I’ve learned about my self over the years is that I’m pretty restless. If I multitask it’s probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.”

— Demetri Martin

373. “I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”

— Demetri Martin

374. “I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.”

— Demetri Martin

375. “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”

— Demetri Martin

376. “I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”

— Demetri Martin

377. “When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.”

— Demetri Martin

378. “I didn’t play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn’t even have any books at my house. I think about it and I’m like, I don’t know how I climbed out of there.”

— Demetri Martin

379. “I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.”

— Demetri Martin

380. “The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.”

— Demetri Martin

381. “It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.”

— Demetri Martin

382. “A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.”

— Demetri Martin

383. “Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.”

— Demetri Martin

384. “The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

385. “And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”

— Demetri Martin

386. “To me, comedy is a game.”

— Demetri Martin

387. “And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.”

— Demetri Martin

388. “Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.”

— Demetri Martin

389. “Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.”

— Demetri Martin

390. “You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.”

— Demetri Martin

391. “Once I started to look i finally began to see.”

— Demetri Martin

392. “I never set out to do a sketch show.”

— Demetri Martin

393. “I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.”

— Demetri Martin

394. “I think, at first blush, the ’60s always enticed me. There’s something about the ’60s, it’s not hard to like it.”

— Demetri Martin

395. “You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special – or even just what’s worth touring with.”

— Demetri Martin

396. “I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.”

— Demetri Martin

397. “When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.”

— Demetri Martin

398. “My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films – writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.”

— Demetri Martin

399. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be a master at anything, but I think that’s a mistake for me personally. I don’t know how much it’s about the journey, but it’s more about the process.”

— Demetri Martin

400. “Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.”

— Demetri Martin