Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?”

— Demetri Martin

302. “The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.”

— Demetri Martin

303. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

— Demetri Martin

304. “I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange.”

— Demetri Martin

305. “If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.’”

— Demetri Martin

306. “I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.”

— Demetri Martin

307. “Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.”

— Demetri Martin

308. “Parades are man’s attempt to make traffic exciting.”

— Demetri Martin

309. “If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”

— Demetri Martin

310. “A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”

— Demetri Martin

311. “I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”

— Demetri Martin

312. “Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.”

— Demetri Martin

313. “I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”

— Demetri Martin

314. “No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”

— Demetri Martin

315. “I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.”

— Demetri Martin

316. “I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

— Demetri Martin

317. “One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.”

— Demetri Martin

318. “I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I’m really good at checkers. That’s the same thing as saying, I’m not good at very many things.”

— Demetri Martin

319. “It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.”

— Demetri Martin

320. “When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.”

— Demetri Martin

321. “But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”

— Demetri Martin

322. “I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.”

— Demetri Martin

323. “The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.”

— Demetri Martin

324. “I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don’t think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don’t often make it to the microphone.”

— Demetri Martin

325. “I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.”

— Demetri Martin

326. “I want to make a revolving door that says ‘Pull’ on it, just see how obedient people are.”

— Demetri Martin

327. “I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can’t totally blame the dancing bear.”

— Demetri Martin

328. “It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.”

— Demetri Martin

329. “If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.”

— Demetri Martin

330. “Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.”

— Demetri Martin

331. “I just know keeping track of what I’m doing and where I’m going is important to me.”

— Demetri Martin

332. “I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

333. “I’ve never read an article of clothing.”

— Demetri Martin

334. “Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”

— Demetri Martin

335. “I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, “Cool, that one works”.”

— Demetri Martin

336. “To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.”

— Demetri Martin

337. “The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”

— Demetri Martin

338. “I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.”

— Demetri Martin

339. “I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

— Demetri Martin

340. “A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.”

— Demetri Martin

341. “Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.”

— Demetri Martin

342. “I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

— Demetri Martin

343. “Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.”

— Demetri Martin

344. “If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.”

— Demetri Martin

345. “Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.”

— Demetri Martin

346. “If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I’m not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years – if I just wait – the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it’s so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.”

— Demetri Martin

347. “I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn’t understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.”

— Demetri Martin

348. “Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.”

— Demetri Martin

349. “Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can’t get out of a tempurpedic bed.”

— Demetri Martin

350. “Another thing that I like and that’s fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I’m learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it’s a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.”

— Demetri Martin