Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen.”

— Demetri Martin

302. “The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?”

— Demetri Martin

303. “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.”

— Demetri Martin

304. “I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.”

— Demetri Martin

305. “One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.”

— Demetri Martin

306. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

— Demetri Martin

307. “Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

— Demetri Martin

308. “I’ve never read an article of clothing.”

— Demetri Martin

309. “I like people, for a little while.”

— Demetri Martin

310. “Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.”

— Demetri Martin

311. “I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.”

— Demetri Martin

312. “Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

313. “I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don’t think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don’t often make it to the microphone.”

— Demetri Martin

314. “The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.”

— Demetri Martin

315. “Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

— Demetri Martin

316. “I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange.”

— Demetri Martin

317. “I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.”

— Demetri Martin

318. “When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.”

— Demetri Martin

319. “It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.”

— Demetri Martin

320. “I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.”

— Demetri Martin

321. “I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can’t totally blame the dancing bear.”

— Demetri Martin

322. “No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”

— Demetri Martin

323. “A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.”

— Demetri Martin

324. “I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”

— Demetri Martin

325. “Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.”

— Demetri Martin

326. “I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.”

— Demetri Martin

327. “I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”

— Demetri Martin

328. “The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”

— Demetri Martin

329. “If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”

— Demetri Martin

330. “Another thing that I like and that’s fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I’m learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it’s a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.”

— Demetri Martin

331. “But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”

— Demetri Martin

332. “It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.”

— Demetri Martin

333. “If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.”

— Demetri Martin

334. “Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.”

— Demetri Martin

335. “I just know keeping track of what I’m doing and where I’m going is important to me.”

— Demetri Martin

336. “Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.”

— Demetri Martin

337. “Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can’t get out of a tempurpedic bed.”

— Demetri Martin

338. “If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I’m not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years – if I just wait – the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it’s so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.”

— Demetri Martin

339. “I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

340. “Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”

— Demetri Martin

341. “The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.”

— Demetri Martin

342. “If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.”

— Demetri Martin

343. “To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.”

— Demetri Martin

344. “I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, “Cool, that one works”.”

— Demetri Martin

345. “To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.”

— Demetri Martin

346. “Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.”

— Demetri Martin

347. “I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

— Demetri Martin

348. “I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.”

— Demetri Martin

349. “I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

— Demetri Martin

350. “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.”

— Demetri Martin