Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.”

— Demetri Martin

302. “A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.”

— Demetri Martin

303. “Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

— Demetri Martin

304. “There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”

— Demetri Martin

305. “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.”

— Demetri Martin

306. “Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen.”

— Demetri Martin

307. “Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

— Demetri Martin

308. “One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.”

— Demetri Martin

309. “I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I’m really good at checkers. That’s the same thing as saying, I’m not good at very many things.”

— Demetri Martin

310. “It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.”

— Demetri Martin

311. “Parades are man’s attempt to make traffic exciting.”

— Demetri Martin

312. “If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”

— Demetri Martin

313. “A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”

— Demetri Martin

314. “I want to make a revolving door that says ‘Pull’ on it, just see how obedient people are.”

— Demetri Martin

315. “I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”

— Demetri Martin

316. “Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.”

— Demetri Martin

317. “I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”

— Demetri Martin

318. “No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.”

— Demetri Martin

319. “I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.”

— Demetri Martin

320. “I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

— Demetri Martin

321. “I just know keeping track of what I’m doing and where I’m going is important to me.”

— Demetri Martin

322. “I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

323. “I’ve never read an article of clothing.”

— Demetri Martin

324. “Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”

— Demetri Martin

325. “I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, “Cool, that one works”.”

— Demetri Martin

326. “To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.”

— Demetri Martin

327. “The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”

— Demetri Martin

328. “I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.”

— Demetri Martin

329. “I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

— Demetri Martin

330. “A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.”

— Demetri Martin

331. “When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.”

— Demetri Martin

332. “But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”

— Demetri Martin

333. “I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.”

— Demetri Martin

334. “The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.”

— Demetri Martin

335. “I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don’t think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don’t often make it to the microphone.”

— Demetri Martin

336. “I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.”

— Demetri Martin

337. “I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can’t totally blame the dancing bear.”

— Demetri Martin

338. “It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.”

— Demetri Martin

339. “If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.”

— Demetri Martin

340. “Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.”

— Demetri Martin

341. “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.”

— Demetri Martin

342. “A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.”

— Demetri Martin

343. “I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.”

— Demetri Martin

344. “And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.”

— Demetri Martin

345. “Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.”

— Demetri Martin

346. “I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

— Demetri Martin

347. “Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.”

— Demetri Martin

348. “If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.”

— Demetri Martin

349. “Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.”

— Demetri Martin

350. “If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I’m not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years – if I just wait – the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it’s so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.”

— Demetri Martin