Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

— Demetri Martin

252. “I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

— Demetri Martin

253. “Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”

— Demetri Martin

254. “My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.”

— Demetri Martin

255. “The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

— Demetri Martin

256. “To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.”

— Demetri Martin

257. “Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.”

— Demetri Martin

258. “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

— Demetri Martin

259. “I love Steven Wright.”

— Demetri Martin

260. “I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.”

— Demetri Martin

261. “To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.”

— Demetri Martin

262. “Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.”

— Demetri Martin

263. “Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.”

— Demetri Martin

264. “But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

— Demetri Martin

265. “I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.”

— Demetri Martin

266. “Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.”

— Demetri Martin

267. “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”

— Demetri Martin

268. “I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

269. “When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!”

— Demetri Martin

270. “I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.”

— Demetri Martin

271. “Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

— Demetri Martin

272. “One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.”

— Demetri Martin

273. “It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.”

— Demetri Martin

274. “I just found out that I have more allies than America!”

— Demetri Martin

275. “Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.”

— Demetri Martin

276. “There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”

— Demetri Martin

277. “Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.”

— Demetri Martin

278. “I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.”

— Demetri Martin

279. “I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

— Demetri Martin

280. “It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

— Demetri Martin

281. “I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.”

— Demetri Martin

282. “Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

283. “A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.”

— Demetri Martin

284. “I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.”

— Demetri Martin

285. “You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.”

— Demetri Martin

286. “I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

— Demetri Martin

287. “The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?”

— Demetri Martin

288. “Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

289. “If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”

— Demetri Martin

290. “I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?”

— Demetri Martin

291. “I like people, for a little while.”

— Demetri Martin

292. “Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.”

— Demetri Martin

293. “I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.”

— Demetri Martin

294. “I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.”

— Demetri Martin

295. “A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.”

— Demetri Martin

296. “Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

— Demetri Martin

297. “There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”

— Demetri Martin

298. “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.”

— Demetri Martin

299. “Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen.”

— Demetri Martin

300. “Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

— Demetri Martin