Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.”

— Demetri Martin

252. “I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.”

— Demetri Martin

253. “Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.”

— Demetri Martin

254. “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”

— Demetri Martin

255. “Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.”

— Demetri Martin

256. “When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!”

— Demetri Martin

257. “Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

— Demetri Martin

258. “There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.”

— Demetri Martin

259. “I love Steven Wright.”

— Demetri Martin

260. “There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”

— Demetri Martin

261. “In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.”

— Demetri Martin

262. “Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.”

— Demetri Martin

263. “Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.”

— Demetri Martin

264. “But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

— Demetri Martin

265. “It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.”

— Demetri Martin

266. “THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”

— Demetri Martin

267. “I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.”

— Demetri Martin

268. “I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

— Demetri Martin

269. “I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.”

— Demetri Martin

270. “I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

271. “Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

272. “A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.”

— Demetri Martin

273. “I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.”

— Demetri Martin

274. “I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

— Demetri Martin

275. “One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.”

— Demetri Martin

276. “It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.”

— Demetri Martin

277. “I just found out that I have more allies than America!”

— Demetri Martin

278. “A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.”

— Demetri Martin

279. “Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

— Demetri Martin

280. “There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”

— Demetri Martin

281. “When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?”

— Demetri Martin

282. “The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.”

— Demetri Martin

283. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

— Demetri Martin

284. “I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.”

— Demetri Martin

285. “If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.’”

— Demetri Martin

286. “You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.”

— Demetri Martin

287. “I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.”

— Demetri Martin

288. “Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.”

— Demetri Martin

289. “The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?”

— Demetri Martin

290. “Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

291. “If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”

— Demetri Martin

292. “Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.”

— Demetri Martin

293. “I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?”

— Demetri Martin

294. “I like people, for a little while.”

— Demetri Martin

295. “I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.”

— Demetri Martin

296. “I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.”

— Demetri Martin

297. “If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”

— Demetri Martin

298. “When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.”

— Demetri Martin

299. “A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”

— Demetri Martin

300. “I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”

— Demetri Martin