Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.”

— Demetri Martin

252. “My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.”

— Demetri Martin

253. “Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

— Demetri Martin

254. “Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.”

— Demetri Martin

255. “It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.”

— Demetri Martin

256. “They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

— Demetri Martin

257. “I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.”

— Demetri Martin

258. “Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”

— Demetri Martin

259. “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”

— Demetri Martin

260. “I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

261. “When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!”

— Demetri Martin

262. “I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.”

— Demetri Martin

263. “Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

— Demetri Martin

264. “I love Steven Wright.”

— Demetri Martin

265. “I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.”

— Demetri Martin

266. “To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.”

— Demetri Martin

267. “Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.”

— Demetri Martin

268. “Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.”

— Demetri Martin

269. “But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

— Demetri Martin

270. “I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

— Demetri Martin

271. “I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.”

— Demetri Martin

272. “Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.”

— Demetri Martin

273. “Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

274. “A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.”

— Demetri Martin

275. “I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.”

— Demetri Martin

276. “You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.”

— Demetri Martin

277. “I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

— Demetri Martin

278. “One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.”

— Demetri Martin

279. “It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.”

— Demetri Martin

280. “I just found out that I have more allies than America!”

— Demetri Martin

281. “Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.”

— Demetri Martin

282. “I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.”

— Demetri Martin

283. “There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”

— Demetri Martin

284. “Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.”

— Demetri Martin

285. “I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.”

— Demetri Martin

286. “When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?”

— Demetri Martin

287. “It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

— Demetri Martin

288. “I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.”

— Demetri Martin

289. “The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.”

— Demetri Martin

290. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

— Demetri Martin

291. “I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange.”

— Demetri Martin

292. “If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.’”

— Demetri Martin

293. “I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.”

— Demetri Martin

294. “Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.”

— Demetri Martin

295. “The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?”

— Demetri Martin

296. “Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.”

— Demetri Martin

297. “If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”

— Demetri Martin

298. “I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?”

— Demetri Martin

299. “I like people, for a little while.”

— Demetri Martin

300. “Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.”

— Demetri Martin