Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.”

— Demetri Martin

252. “Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!””

— Demetri Martin

253. “Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.”

— Demetri Martin

254. “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

— Demetri Martin

255. “The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”

— Demetri Martin

256. “Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.”

— Demetri Martin

257. “I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”

— Demetri Martin

258. “My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.”

— Demetri Martin

259. “Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”

— Demetri Martin

260. “When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?”

— Demetri Martin

261. “Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.”

— Demetri Martin

262. “The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

— Demetri Martin

263. “There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.”

— Demetri Martin

264. “But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

— Demetri Martin

265. “Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.”

— Demetri Martin

266. “It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.”

— Demetri Martin

267. “Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.”

— Demetri Martin

268. “I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

269. “I love Steven Wright.”

— Demetri Martin

270. “Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

— Demetri Martin

271. “Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.”

— Demetri Martin

272. “I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.”

— Demetri Martin

273. “I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.”

— Demetri Martin

274. “If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”

— Demetri Martin

275. “If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.’”

— Demetri Martin

276. “To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.”

— Demetri Martin

277. “I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.”

— Demetri Martin

278. “I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.”

— Demetri Martin

279. “It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.”

— Demetri Martin

280. “You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.”

— Demetri Martin

281. “I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

— Demetri Martin

282. “There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”

— Demetri Martin

283. “A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.”

— Demetri Martin

284. “It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

— Demetri Martin

285. “I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.”

— Demetri Martin

286. “Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.”

— Demetri Martin

287. “One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.”

— Demetri Martin

288. “I just found out that I have more allies than America!”

— Demetri Martin

289. “Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.”

— Demetri Martin

290. “I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.”

— Demetri Martin

291. “Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.”

— Demetri Martin

292. “Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.”

— Demetri Martin

293. “There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”

— Demetri Martin

294. “I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.”

— Demetri Martin

295. “A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”

— Demetri Martin

296. “I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.”

— Demetri Martin

297. “One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.”

— Demetri Martin

298. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

— Demetri Martin

299. “Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

— Demetri Martin

300. “I like people, for a little while.”

— Demetri Martin