Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “When I first heard the term ‘training bra,’ I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, ‘Did you just say training bra? They’re training their chests? I had no idea.’ See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. ‘What’s her deal?’ Those are untrained titties.”

— Demetri Martin

102. “How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.”

— Demetri Martin

103. “I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.”

— Demetri Martin

104. “Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.”

— Demetri Martin

105. “Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.”

— Demetri Martin

106. “I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’”

— Demetri Martin

107. “I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.”

— Demetri Martin

108. “It’s not enough to say I’m sorry. You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying I’m single.”

— Demetri Martin

109. “When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don’t want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.”

— Demetri Martin

110. “Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.”

— Demetri Martin

111. “This is a pie chart about procrastination.”

— Demetri Martin

112. “Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.”

— Demetri Martin

113. “I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over...”

— Demetri Martin

114. “I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.”

— Demetri Martin

115. “A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.”

— Demetri Martin

116. “Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?”

— Demetri Martin

117. “In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful.”

— Demetri Martin

118. “I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.”

— Demetri Martin

119. “It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.”

— Demetri Martin

120. “I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.”

— Demetri Martin

121. “Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that’s the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. “That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics” “Oh yeah, that’s cool, i wanna watch the fat guy” “Come on dude, you can take that hill””

— Demetri Martin

122. “The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”

— Demetri Martin

123. “I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzaz. Let’s kick his ass!’”

— Demetri Martin

124. “I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’”

— Demetri Martin

125. “I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.”

— Demetri Martin

126. “Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.”

— Demetri Martin

127. “I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.”

— Demetri Martin

128. “A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.”

— Demetri Martin

129. “Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.”

— Demetri Martin

130. “My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.”

— Demetri Martin

131. “A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, ‘Good for you.’”

— Demetri Martin

132. “If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.”

— Demetri Martin

133. “I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.”

— Demetri Martin

134. “Most stick people are black.”

— Demetri Martin

135. “I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.”

— Demetri Martin

136. “Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.”

— Demetri Martin

137. “A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.”

— Demetri Martin

138. “Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.”

— Demetri Martin

139. “I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.”

— Demetri Martin

140. “The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons.”

— Demetri Martin

141. “A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.”

— Demetri Martin

142. “I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’”

— Demetri Martin

143. “Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.”

— Demetri Martin

144. “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’”

— Demetri Martin

145. “I’ve heard of many chocoholics, but I ain’t never seen no “chocohol”. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don’t understand word endings. They’re probably “over-workaholled”.”

— Demetri Martin

146. “My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.”

— Demetri Martin

147. “Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else...”

— Demetri Martin

148. “Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It’s essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.”

— Demetri Martin

149. “There are two kinds of jackets – reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.”

— Demetri Martin

150. “I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.”

— Demetri Martin