Top 400 Demetri Martin Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.”

— Demetri Martin

102. “Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.”

— Demetri Martin

103. “I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.”

— Demetri Martin

104. “In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful.”

— Demetri Martin

105. “I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.”

— Demetri Martin

106. “The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”

— Demetri Martin

107. “I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’”

— Demetri Martin

108. “Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that’s the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. “That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics” “Oh yeah, that’s cool, i wanna watch the fat guy” “Come on dude, you can take that hill””

— Demetri Martin

109. “I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzaz. Let’s kick his ass!’”

— Demetri Martin

110. “I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.”

— Demetri Martin

111. “Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows.”

— Demetri Martin

112. “It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.”

— Demetri Martin

113. “I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.”

— Demetri Martin

114. “Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.”

— Demetri Martin

115. “My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.”

— Demetri Martin

116. “Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.”

— Demetri Martin

117. “I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.”

— Demetri Martin

118. “I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.”

— Demetri Martin

119. “A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.”

— Demetri Martin

120. “A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.”

— Demetri Martin

121. “The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.”

— Demetri Martin

122. “Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.”

— Demetri Martin

123. “If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.”

— Demetri Martin

124. “A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, ‘Good for you.’”

— Demetri Martin

125. “I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.”

— Demetri Martin

126. “Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.”

— Demetri Martin

127. “Most stick people are black.”

— Demetri Martin

128. “The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons.”

— Demetri Martin

129. “A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.”

— Demetri Martin

130. “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’”

— Demetri Martin

131. “I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’”

— Demetri Martin

132. “Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.”

— Demetri Martin

133. “My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.”

— Demetri Martin

134. “I’ve heard of many chocoholics, but I ain’t never seen no “chocohol”. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don’t understand word endings. They’re probably “over-workaholled”.”

— Demetri Martin

135. “Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else...”

— Demetri Martin

136. “There are two kinds of jackets – reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.”

— Demetri Martin

137. “The problem with most people, is that they are most people.”

— Demetri Martin

138. “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”

— Demetri Martin

139. “I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous ’cause dogs don’t have arms. If you’re going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.”

— Demetri Martin

140. “It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.”

— Demetri Martin

141. “Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.”

— Demetri Martin

142. “A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn’t one of them.”

— Demetri Martin

143. “I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don’t want tacos! Maybe.”

— Demetri Martin

144. “Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.”

— Demetri Martin

145. “It’s interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.”

— Demetri Martin

146. “My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”

— Demetri Martin

147. “I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.”

— Demetri Martin

148. “I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

— Demetri Martin

149. “I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away.”

— Demetri Martin

150. “Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.”

— Demetri Martin