Top 160 Emo Philips Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “I have a lot more things to talk about now because I’m an adult.”

— Emo Philips

52. “Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?”

— Emo Philips

53. “I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.”

— Emo Philips

54. “I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.”

— Emo Philips

55. “I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.”

— Emo Philips

56. “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.”

— Emo Philips

57. “I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.”

— Emo Philips

58. “Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’”

— Emo Philips

59. “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

— Emo Philips

60. “I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.”

— Emo Philips

61. “I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”

— Emo Philips

62. “Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.”

— Emo Philips

63. “I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.”

— Emo Philips

64. “I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.”

— Emo Philips

65. “I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?”

— Emo Philips

66. “When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.”

— Emo Philips

67. “I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?”

— Emo Philips

68. “You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children – that’s life’s greatest consolation prize.”

— Emo Philips

69. “All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.”

— Emo Philips

70. “The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.”

— Emo Philips

71. “I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

— Emo Philips

72. “How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

— Emo Philips

73. “I’ve always suffered from a complete inability to sense who’s important.”

— Emo Philips

74. “I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.”

— Emo Philips

75. “I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.”

— Emo Philips

76. “I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”

— Emo Philips

77. “I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.”

— Emo Philips

78. “Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...”

— Emo Philips

79. “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

— Emo Philips

80. “If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.”

— Emo Philips

81. “I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.”

— Emo Philips

82. “Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

— Emo Philips

83. “I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I’ve got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 – three times more people came to see where it used to be.”

— Emo Philips

84. “The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.”

— Emo Philips

85. “I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.”

— Emo Philips

86. “I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’”

— Emo Philips

87. “My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.”

— Emo Philips

88. “People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’”

— Emo Philips

89. “I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.”

— Emo Philips

90. “I don’t have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time.”

— Emo Philips

91. “I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...”

— Emo Philips

92. “A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.”

— Emo Philips

93. “I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.”

— Emo Philips

94. “Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?”

— Emo Philips

95. “I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.”

— Emo Philips

96. “Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th.”

— Emo Philips

97. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”

— Emo Philips

98. “Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, ‘I’ll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I’ll be famous.’ So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.”

— Emo Philips

99. “My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”

— Emo Philips

100. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”

— Emo Philips