Top 160 Emo Philips Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

— Emo Philips

52. “All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.”

— Emo Philips

53. “I’ve always suffered from a complete inability to sense who’s important.”

— Emo Philips

54. “I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.”

— Emo Philips

55. “I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.”

— Emo Philips

56. “I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.”

— Emo Philips

57. “When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.”

— Emo Philips

58. “I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”

— Emo Philips

59. “I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.”

— Emo Philips

60. “My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.”

— Emo Philips

61. “Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...”

— Emo Philips

62. “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

— Emo Philips

63. “If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.”

— Emo Philips

64. “I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.”

— Emo Philips

65. “I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I’ve got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 – three times more people came to see where it used to be.”

— Emo Philips

66. “Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

— Emo Philips

67. “I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.”

— Emo Philips

68. “If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.”

— Emo Philips

69. “The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.”

— Emo Philips

70. “I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’”

— Emo Philips

71. “I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.”

— Emo Philips

72. “My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.”

— Emo Philips

73. “I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.”

— Emo Philips

74. “I don’t have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time.”

— Emo Philips

75. “People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’”

— Emo Philips

76. “I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...”

— Emo Philips

77. “I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.”

— Emo Philips

78. “I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.”

— Emo Philips

79. “Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?”

— Emo Philips

80. “I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.”

— Emo Philips

81. “A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.”

— Emo Philips

82. “I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.”

— Emo Philips

83. “I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.”

— Emo Philips

84. “Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’”

— Emo Philips

85. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”

— Emo Philips

86. “Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, ‘I’ll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I’ll be famous.’ So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.”

— Emo Philips

87. “Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th.”

— Emo Philips

88. “My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”

— Emo Philips

89. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”

— Emo Philips

90. “I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.”

— Emo Philips

91. “I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

— Emo Philips

92. “Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.”

— Emo Philips

93. “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

— Emo Philips

94. “When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.”

— Emo Philips

95. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

— Emo Philips

96. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”

— Emo Philips

97. “I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”

— Emo Philips

98. “When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it’s stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.”

— Emo Philips

99. “I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”

— Emo Philips

100. “Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.”

— Emo Philips