Top 25 Funny Monday Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes, Sweet Quotes, Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes

2. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

3. “Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Different Quotes, Witty Quotes

4. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

5. “There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Being Happy Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

6. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

— George Carlin

7. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

8. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes

9. “Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Science Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

10. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”

— Cassandra Clare

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Coffee Quotes

11. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

— Andy Rooney

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

12. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

13. “What fresh hell is this?”

— Dorothy Parker

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

14. “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

— Catherine Aird

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

15. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

16. “Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Sexy Quotes

17. “I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

18. “Make love, not war. Unless you’re Loki, in which case: do what you want.”

— Tom Hiddleston

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

19. “Of course I’m sane, when trees start talking to me, I don’t talk back.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

20. “Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

— Garrison Keillor

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Storytelling Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

21. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

22. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

23. “Learn to laugh at your problems, cause everybody else does.”

— Jared Leto

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

24. “Even the best weeks start with Monday.”

— Nice Peter

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Monday Morning Quotes, Happy Monday Quotes, Monday Quotes

25. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

26. “For your own safety, do not ever tell an astrophysicist, I hope all your stars are twinkling.”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

Also featured in: Science Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Quotes About Stars

27. “The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Quotes About Humanity, Hilarious Quotes

28. “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

— Emo Philips

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

29. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes