Top 160 Emo Philips Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

— Emo Philips

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2. “Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.”

— Emo Philips

3. “Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

— Emo Philips

4. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

— Emo Philips

5. “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

— Emo Philips

6. “I pray a simple prayer every morning. It’s an ecumenical prayer. Whether you’re Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.””

— Emo Philips

7. “My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”

— Emo Philips

8. “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

— Emo Philips

9. “So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”

— Emo Philips

10. “I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.”

— Emo Philips

11. “I’m from Downer’s Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.”

— Emo Philips

12. “Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?”

— Emo Philips

13. “Ambiguity – the Devil’s volleyball.”

— Emo Philips

14. “I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.”

— Emo Philips

15. “You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.”

— Emo Philips

16. “When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.”

— Emo Philips

17. “At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”

— Emo Philips

18. “My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.”

— Emo Philips

19. “I went into the gas station, said, Fill ’er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.”

— Emo Philips

20. “I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.”

— Emo Philips

21. “I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.”

— Emo Philips

22. “I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.”

— Emo Philips

23. “Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.”

— Emo Philips

24. “I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.”

— Emo Philips

25. “My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn’t have his hands tied to his ankles?”

— Emo Philips

26. “Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?”

— Emo Philips

27. “Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.”

— Emo Philips

28. “Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.”

— Emo Philips

29. “If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.”

— Emo Philips

30. “I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.”

— Emo Philips

31. “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

— Emo Philips

32. “Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

— Emo Philips

33. “Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.”

— Emo Philips

34. “I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk – I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’”

— Emo Philips

35. “I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.”

— Emo Philips

36. “I have a lot more things to talk about now because I’m an adult.”

— Emo Philips

37. “I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’”

— Emo Philips

38. “I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’”

— Emo Philips

39. “Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?”

— Emo Philips

40. “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.”

— Emo Philips

41. “I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.”

— Emo Philips

42. “Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.”

— Emo Philips

43. “I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.”

— Emo Philips

44. “They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.”

— Emo Philips

45. “The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.”

— Emo Philips

46. “I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.”

— Emo Philips

47. “Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.”

— Emo Philips

48. “I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.”

— Emo Philips

49. “My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.”

— Emo Philips

50. “I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.”

— Emo Philips