Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “The third message was from my mother. ‘Why me?’ she said. ‘Why do I have to have a daughter who finds dead bodies? Where did I go wrong? Emily Beeber’s daughter never finds dead bodies. Joanne Melanowski’s daughter never finds dead bodies. Why me!’ News travels fast in the Burg.”

— Janet Evanovich

52. “You can’t be mad at me,” Ranger said. “I’m cute. I might even be adorable.”

— Janet Evanovich

53. “His can of pepper spray was bigger than my can of pepper spray.”

— Janet Evanovich

54. “Go figure that. Joseph Morelli with a house, a dog, a steady job, and an SUV. And on odd days of the month he woke up wanting to marry me. It turns out want to marry him on even days of the month, so to date we’ve been spared commitment.”

— Janet Evanovich

55. “Any intelligent woman would have made a dignified retreat, but this was New Jersey, where dignity always runs a poor second to the pleasure of getting in someone’s face.”

— Janet Evanovich

56. “Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It’s just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.”

— Janet Evanovich

57. “I’ve finally reached a stage in my career where I can do what I want.”

— Janet Evanovich

58. “Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I’m a white girl from Trenton. I don’t know these things. I need a rap cheat sheet.”

— Janet Evanovich

59. “I’d had a less tumultuous transition from childhood to adulthood, but somewhere in my twenties I feel like I got stalled in the process and now I’m drifting, marking time without any great passion to move forward.”

— Janet Evanovich

60. “It wasn’t exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight.” – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

61. “You deserved to get run over. And besides, I barely tapped you. The only reason you broke your leg was because you panicked and tripped over your own feet.”

— Janet Evanovich

62. “I wasn’t sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others.”

— Janet Evanovich

63. “Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn’t mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage.”

— Janet Evanovich

64. “Everyone knows you can’t see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. – Lula.”

— Janet Evanovich

65. “Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes. I fit into the last category. So sue me.”

— Janet Evanovich

66. “He pulled me toward him, lowered his mouth to mine, and kissed me. The kiss was slow and deep. His hands were firm on my back. I grasped his shirt and leaned into him. And I felt his body respond.”

— Janet Evanovich

67. “I did such a gigantic eye roll I almost fell over.”

— Janet Evanovich

68. “The mother and daughter whose roles had reversed – Grandma gladly relinquishing parental responsibility, my mother grimly accepting the task, struggling to find a place for an old woman who’d suddenly become a strange hybrid of tolerant mother and rebellious daughter. My father, in the living room, not wanting any part of it.”

— Janet Evanovich

69. “Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader.”

— Janet Evanovich

70. “I stuck my tongue out at him because I was feeling exceptionall mature.”

— Janet Evanovich

71. “I’m done with men. I have a hamster. That’s all I need.”

— Janet Evanovich

72. “I go to bars and restaurants, and I sit and I eavesdrop on people and I watch people in shopping centers and, you know, I read the newspapers and I talk to the Trenton cops, and I just get a lot of information that comes in that somehow turns into a book.”

— Janet Evanovich

73. “Gravy isn’t a food group.” “Say what?”

— Janet Evanovich

74. “Thank God for small favors.”

— Janet Evanovich

75. “Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.”

— Janet Evanovich

76. “I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese’s peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what?”

— Janet Evanovich

77. “Whoever thought a naked beach was a good idea never sat in one.”

— Janet Evanovich

78. “Whoa. Time out. It’s been a long, stressful day, but let’s not talk crazy.”

— Janet Evanovich

79. “Criminy, Emerson. That’s even worse,” Riley said. “Who asks someone he’s just met if she’d like to see his thimbles? That’s serial killer creepy.” Emerson.”

— Janet Evanovich

80. “What’s on your bucket list?” I asked. “I got six things so far,” Grandma said. “First off, I want new breasts. These ones I got are a mess.”

— Janet Evanovich

81. “Make sure your main characters are likeable. They can be flawed, but your readers need to be able to root for them.”

— Janet Evanovich

82. “There’s a difference between having maturity and being mature. I’m not ready to be mature. I don’t want to see the AARP magazine in my mailbox.”

— Janet Evanovich

83. “They got stuff here that I didn’t even know existed. Everything’s spandex and sequins. It’s a retired ho’s dream come true.”

— Janet Evanovich

84. “Einstein famously said if at first an idea is not absurd, there’s no hope for it.”

— Janet Evanovich

85. “God’s a busy guy. He don’t have time to micromanage. What are the chances he heard that? It’s early in the morning. He’s probably having breakfast with Mrs. God.”

— Janet Evanovich

86. “Powder blue is a sissy color.”

— Janet Evanovich

87. “And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. And Ozzy Osbourne.”

— Janet Evanovich

88. “Well, sure, but I don’t bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.”

— Janet Evanovich

89. “I don’t want my readers slowed down by long passages of narrative.”

— Janet Evanovich

90. “Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.”

— Janet Evanovich

91. “I wasn’t dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

92. “I’d slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I’d been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. “It was all because of the shower gel,” I said. Morelli’s eyes narrowed. “Shower gel?” I made a major effort not to sigh. “Long story. You probably don’t want to hear it.”

— Janet Evanovich

93. “I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.” -Grandma Mazur.”

— Janet Evanovich

94. “Transitions are critically important. I want the reader to turn the page without thinking she’s turning the page. It must flow seamlessly.”

— Janet Evanovich

95. “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” “You know what I do when I got stress?” Lula said. “I go shoe shopping.” “I knit,” Connie said. “Get out!” Lula said. “I never knew you knit stuff.” “I don’t knit stuff,” Connie said. “I just knit.”

— Janet Evanovich

96. “You’re a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick.”

— Janet Evanovich

97. “I think I got a bruise from landing on you. I hear bacon is real good for healing a bruise.”

— Janet Evanovich

98. “You’d tell me if we were getting married, wouldn’t you? I mean, you wouldn’t just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour.”

— Janet Evanovich

99. “Ranger removed my goggles. “Would you like to come home with me?” I stepped away from him. “Thank you for the offer, but no. I’m done with men.” Ranger smiled. “Forever?” “Until I figure some things out.” “And if you don’t figure them out?” “If I can’t figure them out on my own, I’ll ask you to help me.” “Babe, that’s like the blind leading the blind.”

— Janet Evanovich

100. “You have to step on people’s feet and kick them in the back of the leg,” Grandma said, “then they move away from you.”

— Janet Evanovich