Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “The difference between adventure and adversity is attitude.”

— Janet Evanovich

2. “I hate mornings. They start so early.”

— Janet Evanovich

3. “Three things cannot be long hidden. The sun, the moon, and the truth.”

— Janet Evanovich

4. “I’m short. I have to think tall.”

— Janet Evanovich

5. “No one expected a first year engineering student to build the perfect bridge.”

— Janet Evanovich

6. “Stop the planet. I want to get off.”

— Janet Evanovich

7. “Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table.”

— Janet Evanovich

8. “My professional aspirations were simple – I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”

— Janet Evanovich

9. “Personally, I’m a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don’t have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It’s magic. End of discussion.”

— Janet Evanovich

10. “If anything happened to you, I’d be so destroyed they’d have to strap me to a bed and feed me through a tube. After five or six years, I might be capable of taking care of Rex. In the interim, you should assign a guardian.”

— Janet Evanovich

11. “My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think.”

— Janet Evanovich

12. “You don’t even need to go to college no more because you could learn how to do everything on YouTube.”

— Janet Evanovich

13. “If I let her in I’m doomed. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you’ve invite them in, that’s it, you’re good as dead!”

— Janet Evanovich

14. “Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don’t go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.”

— Janet Evanovich

15. “These are desparate times.” – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

16. “Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.”

— Janet Evanovich

17. “Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there’s the curiosity thing. I guess it’s another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you’ll be horrified.”

— Janet Evanovich

18. “Grandma pulled a .44 magnum out of her purse. Everybody duck, and I’ll shoot out his tires.”

— Janet Evanovich

19. “You don’t wear responsibility like clothes. You can’t take it off and put it on when you feel like. You wear responsibility on the inside, and it isn’t that easy to remove. You have to learn how to live with it.”

— Janet Evanovich

20. “I got out of the tub and had to squelch a scream when I saw my reflection in the vanity mirror. My hair looked like it had taken 2000 volts and been spray starched.”

— Janet Evanovich

21. “I’m a glass-is-half-full person now, and your sorry ass is still in half-empty country.”

— Janet Evanovich

22. “He opened two blouse buttons and traced a line along the top of my bra with his fingertip. He bent his head, brushed a kiss across my breast, and slipped his hand inside my bra. I think I might have moaned a little, and I steadied myself by sliding my hand up the inside of his thigh. It turns out that just because I think I could have a future with Morelli doesn’t mean I’m entirely immune to Ranger’s hotness.”

— Janet Evanovich

23. “For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple – I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. I didn’t care much about ruling hordes of space people. Mostly I wanted to wear the cape and the sexy boots and carry a cool weapon.”

— Janet Evanovich

24. “He tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingertips brushing feather light across my temple, his thumb at the line of my jaw. “I have my own team.”

— Janet Evanovich

25. “You come from a long line of scary women” Ranger finally said.”

— Janet Evanovich

26. “On the bright side, I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’ll ever get firebombed, so maybe you’ll have better luck next time.”

— Janet Evanovich

27. “Lula’s borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn’t exactly that Lula is fat; it’s more that she’s too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries.”

— Janet Evanovich

28. “Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?? That’s what the psychiatrist said, but I think he’s wrong. There’s an evil flying pizza out there, and it’s got Brenda’s name on it.”

— Janet Evanovich

29. “I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you’re bent over about the color, don’t leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want.”

— Janet Evanovich

30. “Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn’t going to be disappointing.”

— Janet Evanovich

31. “It wasn’t my fault.”

— Janet Evanovich

32. “Life is about survival of the fittest, and Jersey is producing the master race.”

— Janet Evanovich

33. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s love and what’s only indigestion.”

— Janet Evanovich

34. “Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

35. “Ranger declined the butterscotch pudding, not wanting to disrupt the consistency of his blood sugar level. I had two puddings and coffee, choosing to keep my pancreas at peak performance. Use it or lose it is my philosophy.”

— Janet Evanovich

36. “One Ranger is all you’ll ever need. – Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

37. “Truth is, I’m a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable.”

— Janet Evanovich

38. “Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.”

— Janet Evanovich

39. “A gift card says I feel obligated to get you something, but I don’t care enough to put any effort into finding just the right gift.”

— Janet Evanovich

40. “At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera.”

— Janet Evanovich

41. “I can’t squeeze to keep the breezers in.”

— Janet Evanovich

42. “Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.”

— Janet Evanovich

43. “Money isn’t everything.’’The only people who say that are people who have enough money to pay the rent.”

— Janet Evanovich

44. “Holy Crap,′ Carolli said. ‘You shot Jesus. That’s gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.”

— Janet Evanovich

45. “Ranger slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the top of my head. “Someday I need to talk to you about car care.” “I know about car care. I kept a case of motor oil in the back.” “That’s my girl.”

— Janet Evanovich

46. “We don’t appreciate the value of humor sometimes.”

— Janet Evanovich

47. “I try hard not to make the same mistake more than 3 or 4 times in a row.”

— Janet Evanovich

48. “I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.”

— Janet Evanovich

49. “Cupcake, you’ve been breaking my heart for as long as I’ve known you.”

— Janet Evanovich

50. “There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It’s been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.”

— Janet Evanovich