Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth.”

— Janet Evanovich

102. “You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out.”

— Janet Evanovich

103. “I don’t understand how these things happen to you. They don’t happen to anyone else. Who else do you know dropped their keys in a Dumpster? No one, that’s who. Only you would do such a thing.”

— Janet Evanovich

104. “I liked you better when you had vordo.” “You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”

— Janet Evanovich

105. “Sweetie, nothing that flies looks safe, including birds.”

— Janet Evanovich

106. “Even more bothersome was the fact that Eddie Kuntz’s napkin was moving on his lap without benefit of hands. My first inclination was to shout “Snake!” and shoot, but probably that wouldn’t hold up in court. Besides, as much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

107. “Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me. It was a great kiss, but I didn’t know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue.”

— Janet Evanovich

108. “I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter.”

— Janet Evanovich

109. “I may not be the most patient woman in the world, or the most glamorous, or the most athletic, but I’m right up there at the top of the line when it comes to resiliency.”

— Janet Evanovich

110. “Morelli turned to Ranger. “If anything happens to her, I’m holding you responsible.” “Understood,” Ranger said. “Excuse me?” I said. “I’m an adult. I make my own decisions. And I’m responsible for my well-being. Is that clear?” “No,” both men said in unison.”

— Janet Evanovich

111. “Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything. -Lula.”

— Janet Evanovich

112. “Play the role,” Lula said. “That’s what we do. We pick a role and we play it. What role you want to play?” “I want to be smart, and I want to be brave.” “Go for it,” Lula said.”

— Janet Evanovich

113. “If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who’s to say?”

— Janet Evanovich

114. “Her concept of paradise was something more immediate: a book and a blanket beneath a tree, where she might read in peace.”

— Janet Evanovich

115. “Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.”

— Janet Evanovich

116. “Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped – Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

117. “Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you’re not pregnant, on account of you’re not gettin any.”

— Janet Evanovich

118. “Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don’t get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.”

— Janet Evanovich

119. “It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away.”

— Janet Evanovich

120. “I struggled to learn basic skills, get a grip on markets, find my own unique voice, create story lines and come up to speed with the industry. I struggled for ten years before having any success.”

— Janet Evanovich

121. “If you had told somebody in the year 1800 that there were invisible things called germs and that they were responsible for the common cold, he would have thought that you were crazy and believed in magic,” Emerson said. “Today, everybody simply accepts it as fact, despite that they’ve never seen or knowingly touched a germ.”

— Janet Evanovich

122. “Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.” Grandma slumped a little. “Sometimes you really gotta work at it.”

— Janet Evanovich

123. “Ranger’s Cayenne pulled in behind the SUV. Ranger got out, scooped me up off the ground, and held me close.”

— Janet Evanovich

124. “Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. “He ate it,” Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug.”

— Janet Evanovich

125. “Nice dress. Take it off.”

— Janet Evanovich

126. “I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. “Killing is wrong.” “We kill chickens,” Mr. Wexler said. “We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.” It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.”

— Janet Evanovich

127. “Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.”

— Janet Evanovich

128. “He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I’m coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.”

— Janet Evanovich

129. “Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don’t count.”

— Janet Evanovich

130. “We don’t usually write up accidents involving rabbits. – Joe Morelli.”

— Janet Evanovich

131. “There’s no tab. And there’s no price for what we give each other. Not ever. Not financial. Not emotional. I have to get back to work.”

— Janet Evanovich

132. “I had a long history of calamitous mishaps.”

— Janet Evanovich

133. “Since I write in first person and have no idea what goes on in men’s heads.”

— Janet Evanovich

134. “We got into the Explorer, and I couldn’t sit with the gun rammed into my pants. “I can’t do this,” I said to Ranger. “This dumb gun is too big. It’s poking me.” Ranger closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the wheel. “I can’t believe I hired you.”

— Janet Evanovich

135. “I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

— Janet Evanovich

136. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country’s a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He’ll be fine.”

— Janet Evanovich

137. “Stroll around and look sexy, ask annoying questions, in general get on everyone’s nerves. All those things that come naturally to you.”

— Janet Evanovich

138. “When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me.”

— Janet Evanovich

139. “Princeton isn’t actually part of New Jersey. It’s a small island of wealth and intellectual eccentricity floating in the Sea of Central Megalopolis. It’s an honest-to-god town awash in the land of the strip mall. Hair is smaller, heels are shorter, asses are tighter in Princeton.”

— Janet Evanovich

140. “Omigod,? I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. ‘You’re the big bad wolf.’ There are some similarities.”

— Janet Evanovich

141. “Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who’s knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that’s some kind of record.”

— Janet Evanovich

142. “My mother drove back to the intersection. “Who are you dating?” “Don’t ask,” I said. I wasn’t dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

143. “I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea.”

— Janet Evanovich

144. “Somewhere along the line, I realized that I liked telling stories, and I decided that I would try writing. Ten years later, I finally got a book published. It was hard. I had no skills. I knew nothing about the business of getting published. So I had to keep working at it.”

— Janet Evanovich

145. “Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes.”

— Janet Evanovich

146. “She’d wanted to grow up to be a superhero, and in a left-turn kind of way she felt like she was on track.”

— Janet Evanovich

147. “I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

148. “Be still my heart.”

— Janet Evanovich

149. “Cupcake, your middle name is trouble.”

— Janet Evanovich

150. “My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.”

— Janet Evanovich