Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “What’s on your bucket list?” I asked. “I got six things so far,” Grandma said. “First off, I want new breasts. These ones I got are a mess.”

— Janet Evanovich

102. “Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything. -Lula.”

— Janet Evanovich

103. “Play the role,” Lula said. “That’s what we do. We pick a role and we play it. What role you want to play?” “I want to be smart, and I want to be brave.” “Go for it,” Lula said.”

— Janet Evanovich

104. “If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who’s to say?”

— Janet Evanovich

105. “Her concept of paradise was something more immediate: a book and a blanket beneath a tree, where she might read in peace.”

— Janet Evanovich

106. “Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.”

— Janet Evanovich

107. “Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped – Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

108. “Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you’re not pregnant, on account of you’re not gettin any.”

— Janet Evanovich

109. “Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don’t get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.”

— Janet Evanovich

110. “It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away.”

— Janet Evanovich

111. “You have to step on people’s feet and kick them in the back of the leg,” Grandma said, “then they move away from you.”

— Janet Evanovich

112. “I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth.”

— Janet Evanovich

113. “You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out.”

— Janet Evanovich

114. “I don’t understand how these things happen to you. They don’t happen to anyone else. Who else do you know dropped their keys in a Dumpster? No one, that’s who. Only you would do such a thing.”

— Janet Evanovich

115. “I liked you better when you had vordo.” “You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”

— Janet Evanovich

116. “Sweetie, nothing that flies looks safe, including birds.”

— Janet Evanovich

117. “Even more bothersome was the fact that Eddie Kuntz’s napkin was moving on his lap without benefit of hands. My first inclination was to shout “Snake!” and shoot, but probably that wouldn’t hold up in court. Besides, as much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

118. “Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.” Grandma slumped a little. “Sometimes you really gotta work at it.”

— Janet Evanovich

119. “I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter.”

— Janet Evanovich

120. “Ranger’s Cayenne pulled in behind the SUV. Ranger got out, scooped me up off the ground, and held me close.”

— Janet Evanovich

121. “Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. “He ate it,” Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug.”

— Janet Evanovich

122. “Nice dress. Take it off.”

— Janet Evanovich

123. “I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. “Killing is wrong.” “We kill chickens,” Mr. Wexler said. “We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.” It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.”

— Janet Evanovich

124. “Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.”

— Janet Evanovich

125. “He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I’m coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.”

— Janet Evanovich

126. “Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don’t count.”

— Janet Evanovich

127. “We don’t usually write up accidents involving rabbits. – Joe Morelli.”

— Janet Evanovich

128. “There’s no tab. And there’s no price for what we give each other. Not ever. Not financial. Not emotional. I have to get back to work.”

— Janet Evanovich

129. “I had a long history of calamitous mishaps.”

— Janet Evanovich

130. “I struggled to learn basic skills, get a grip on markets, find my own unique voice, create story lines and come up to speed with the industry. I struggled for ten years before having any success.”

— Janet Evanovich

131. “If you had told somebody in the year 1800 that there were invisible things called germs and that they were responsible for the common cold, he would have thought that you were crazy and believed in magic,” Emerson said. “Today, everybody simply accepts it as fact, despite that they’ve never seen or knowingly touched a germ.”

— Janet Evanovich

132. “When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me.”

— Janet Evanovich

133. “Princeton isn’t actually part of New Jersey. It’s a small island of wealth and intellectual eccentricity floating in the Sea of Central Megalopolis. It’s an honest-to-god town awash in the land of the strip mall. Hair is smaller, heels are shorter, asses are tighter in Princeton.”

— Janet Evanovich

134. “Omigod,? I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. ‘You’re the big bad wolf.’ There are some similarities.”

— Janet Evanovich

135. “Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who’s knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that’s some kind of record.”

— Janet Evanovich

136. “My mother drove back to the intersection. “Who are you dating?” “Don’t ask,” I said. I wasn’t dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

137. “I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea.”

— Janet Evanovich

138. “Somewhere along the line, I realized that I liked telling stories, and I decided that I would try writing. Ten years later, I finally got a book published. It was hard. I had no skills. I knew nothing about the business of getting published. So I had to keep working at it.”

— Janet Evanovich

139. “Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes.”

— Janet Evanovich

140. “She’d wanted to grow up to be a superhero, and in a left-turn kind of way she felt like she was on track.”

— Janet Evanovich

141. “I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

142. “Cupcake, your middle name is trouble.”

— Janet Evanovich

143. “My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.”

— Janet Evanovich

144. “Two windows,” she said with a smile. “And there’s no such word as besweatered.” “It’s like bespectacled, only with a sweater.”

— Janet Evanovich

145. “Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing.”

— Janet Evanovich

146. “Ranger was not husband material. He was a heart-stopping handsome Latino, dark-skinned and dark-eyed. He was strong inside and out, an enigma who kept his life scars pretty much hidden.”

— Janet Evanovich

147. “Holy cow!” I said. “You can’t go to the door like that!” “My gun’s in the kitchen.” “Yes, but your underwear’s on the floor in my bedroom!” And that wasn’t the biggest problem.”

— Janet Evanovich

148. “I’d hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.”

— Janet Evanovich

149. “I want to be there when you get Cubbin. And I don’t want to be left out of the television show either. Little people are sexy now. Have you seen Game of Thrones? We’re hot.”

— Janet Evanovich

150. “Since I write in first person and have no idea what goes on in men’s heads.”

— Janet Evanovich