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Top 400 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2026 Update)
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Janet Evanovich Quote: “Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.”

101. “Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you’re not pregnant, on account of you’re not gettin any.”

102. “Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you’re not pregnant, on account of you’re not gettin any.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out.”

103. “You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Her concept of paradise was something more immediate: a book and a blanket beneath a tree, where she might read in peace.”

104. “Her concept of paradise was something more immediate: a book and a blanket beneath a tree, where she might read in peace.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “You’re a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick.”

105. “You’re a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “If you had told somebody in the year 1800 that there were invisible things called germs and that they were responsible for the common cold, he would have thought that you were crazy and believed in magic,” Emerson said. “Today, everybody simply accepts it as fact, despite that they’ve never seen or knowingly touched a germ.”

106. “If you had told somebody in the year 1800 that there were invisible things called germs and that they were responsible for the common cold, he would have thought that you were crazy and believed in magic,” Emerson said. “Today, everybody simply accepts it as fact, despite that they’ve never seen or knowingly touched a germ.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away.”

107. “It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Ranger removed my goggles. “Would you like to come home with me?” I stepped away from him. “Thank you for the offer, but no. I’m done with men.” Ranger smiled. “Forever?” “Until I figure some things out.” “And if you don’t figure them out?” “If I can’t figure them out on my own, I’ll ask you to help me.” “Babe, that’s like the blind leading the blind.”

108. “Ranger removed my goggles. “Would you like to come home with me?” I stepped away from him. “Thank you for the offer, but no. I’m done with men.” Ranger smiled. “Forever?” “Until I figure some things out.” “And if you don’t figure them out?” “If I can’t figure them out on my own, I’ll ask you to help me.” “Babe, that’s like the blind leading the blind.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “You’d tell me if we were getting married, wouldn’t you? I mean, you wouldn’t just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour.”

109. “You’d tell me if we were getting married, wouldn’t you? I mean, you wouldn’t just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “There’s no tab. And there’s no price for what we give each other. Not ever. Not financial. Not emotional. I have to get back to work.”

110. “There’s no tab. And there’s no price for what we give each other. Not ever. Not financial. Not emotional. I have to get back to work.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I don’t want my readers slowed down by long passages of narrative.”

111. “I don’t want my readers slowed down by long passages of narrative.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Well, sure, but I don’t bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.”

112. “Well, sure, but I don’t bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I’d slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I’d been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. “It was all because of the shower gel,” I said. Morelli’s eyes narrowed. “Shower gel?” I made a major effort not to sigh. “Long story. You probably don’t want to hear it.”

113. “I’d slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I’d been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. “It was all because of the shower gel,” I said. Morelli’s eyes narrowed. “Shower gel?” I made a major effort not to sigh. “Long story. You probably don’t want to hear it.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I’d hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.”

114. “I’d hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “An orgasm is an orgasm, but getting there can leave you with a herniated disc if you aren’t careful.”

115. “An orgasm is an orgasm, but getting there can leave you with a herniated disc if you aren’t careful.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped – Ranger.”

116. “Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped – Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Even more bothersome was the fact that Eddie Kuntz’s napkin was moving on his lap without benefit of hands. My first inclination was to shout “Snake!” and shoot, but probably that wouldn’t hold up in court. Besides, as much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

117. “Even more bothersome was the fact that Eddie Kuntz’s napkin was moving on his lap without benefit of hands. My first inclination was to shout “Snake!” and shoot, but probably that wouldn’t hold up in court. Besides, as much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I liked you better when you had vordo.” “You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”

118. “I liked you better when you had vordo.” “You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Morelli turned to Ranger. “If anything happens to her, I’m holding you responsible.” “Understood,” Ranger said. “Excuse me?” I said. “I’m an adult. I make my own decisions. And I’m responsible for my well-being. Is that clear?” “No,” both men said in unison.”

119. “Morelli turned to Ranger. “If anything happens to her, I’m holding you responsible.” “Understood,” Ranger said. “Excuse me?” I said. “I’m an adult. I make my own decisions. And I’m responsible for my well-being. Is that clear?” “No,” both men said in unison.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country’s a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He’ll be fine.”

120. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country’s a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He’ll be fine.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I don’t understand how these things happen to you. They don’t happen to anyone else. Who else do you know dropped their keys in a Dumpster? No one, that’s who. Only you would do such a thing.”

121. “I don’t understand how these things happen to you. They don’t happen to anyone else. Who else do you know dropped their keys in a Dumpster? No one, that’s who. Only you would do such a thing.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth.”

122. “I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don’t care if he’s Jack the Ripper.”

123. “As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don’t care if he’s Jack the Ripper.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don’t get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.”

124. “Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don’t get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don’t count.”

125. “Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don’t count.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. “Killing is wrong.” “We kill chickens,” Mr. Wexler said. “We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.” It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.”

126. “I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. “Killing is wrong.” “We kill chickens,” Mr. Wexler said. “We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.” It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Play the role,” Lula said. “That’s what we do. We pick a role and we play it. What role you want to play?” “I want to be smart, and I want to be brave.” “Go for it,” Lula said.”

127. “Play the role,” Lula said. “That’s what we do. We pick a role and we play it. What role you want to play?” “I want to be smart, and I want to be brave.” “Go for it,” Lula said.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me. It was a great kiss, but I didn’t know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue.”

128. “Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me. It was a great kiss, but I didn’t know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.”

129. “Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who’s to say?”

130. “If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who’s to say?”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything. -Lula.”

131. “Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything. -Lula.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. “He ate it,” Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug.”

132. “Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. “He ate it,” Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “We don’t usually write up accidents involving rabbits. – Joe Morelli.”

133. “We don’t usually write up accidents involving rabbits. – Joe Morelli.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes.”

134. “Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who’s knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that’s some kind of record.”

135. “Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who’s knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that’s some kind of record.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.” Grandma slumped a little. “Sometimes you really gotta work at it.”

136. “Truth is I’ll be relieved when all this is over, and I can move on to what’s in front of me instead of what’s behind me. It’s not like I want to forget Jimmy. It’s just that he’s in a different spot in my life now. He’s in the good memories spot. If I didn’t put him there, I’d be sad all the time, and I don’t like being sad. I figure happiness is a choice that you make. Even in terrible times.” Grandma slumped a little. “Sometimes you really gotta work at it.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me.”

137. “When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

Janet Evanovich Quote: “He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I’m coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.”

138. “He’s going to jail. He can’t see. He can’t hear. He can’t take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I’m coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Probably went to get a pretzel.”

139. “Probably went to get a pretzel.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.”

140. “My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I struggled to learn basic skills, get a grip on markets, find my own unique voice, create story lines and come up to speed with the industry. I struggled for ten years before having any success.”

141. “I struggled to learn basic skills, get a grip on markets, find my own unique voice, create story lines and come up to speed with the industry. I struggled for ten years before having any success.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Ranger’s Cayenne pulled in behind the SUV. Ranger got out, scooped me up off the ground, and held me close.”

142. “Ranger’s Cayenne pulled in behind the SUV. Ranger got out, scooped me up off the ground, and held me close.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Nice dress. Take it off.”

143. “Nice dress. Take it off.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Romance Quotes

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I had a long history of calamitous mishaps.”

144. “I had a long history of calamitous mishaps.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Princeton isn’t actually part of New Jersey. It’s a small island of wealth and intellectual eccentricity floating in the Sea of Central Megalopolis. It’s an honest-to-god town awash in the land of the strip mall. Hair is smaller, heels are shorter, asses are tighter in Princeton.”

145. “Princeton isn’t actually part of New Jersey. It’s a small island of wealth and intellectual eccentricity floating in the Sea of Central Megalopolis. It’s an honest-to-god town awash in the land of the strip mall. Hair is smaller, heels are shorter, asses are tighter in Princeton.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “You’re scum, Morelli! You’re scum!”

146. “You’re scum, Morelli! You’re scum!”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

147. “I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “It was one of those impulse things.”

148. “It was one of those impulse things.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Omigod,? I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. ‘You’re the big bad wolf.’ There are some similarities.”

149. “Omigod,? I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. ‘You’re the big bad wolf.’ There are some similarities.”

— Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Quote: “Cracker Jacks don’t count as junk food because they’re corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.”

150. “Cracker Jacks don’t count as junk food because they’re corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.”

— Janet Evanovich

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