Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “No one can eat just one French fry.” “I bet supermodels eat just one French fry.”

— Janet Evanovich

302. “I don’t know what this country’s coming to when an old lady can’t keep a gun in her purse.”

— Janet Evanovich

303. “I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!”

— Janet Evanovich

304. “I write to entertain. When people read one of my books I want them to finish with a smile on their faces, feeling a little bit better about themselves and the people in their lives.”

— Janet Evanovich

305. “Once again, the key to true happiness is lowered expectations.”

— Janet Evanovich

306. “Ranger is Cuban-American with skin the color of a mocha latte, heavy on the mocha, and a body that can best be described as yum.”

— Janet Evanovich

307. “I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.”

— Janet Evanovich

308. “But I could end up in prison.” He waved off her concern. “I’d break you out.” “You’d do that for me?” “You’re my daughter, aren’t you?” Kate smiled. Sure, he’d missed a lot of Christmases and birthdays during her childhood, but not many fathers could be counted on to mount a prison break.”

— Janet Evanovich

309. “I was pretty sure this time “Babe” meant I was giving him a cramp in his sphincter.”

— Janet Evanovich

310. “When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.”

— Janet Evanovich

311. “So all you have to do is get in touch with Spider-Man?”

— Janet Evanovich

312. “I’m not spectral, but I’ve been told I can be pretty damn phenomenal.”

— Janet Evanovich

313. “Ranger hung my bag on my shoulder and looked at me. “Are you okay with all this?” “Actually, I feel like throwing up a lot.” “It’s the doughnuts.” “It’s my life.”

— Janet Evanovich

314. “War, famine, pestilence didn’t stop my relatives from moving forward one foot in front of the other. They were good solid plodders without grandiose expectations. And that’s the legacy they left me. The ability to plod forward, no matter the circumstances. I realize plodding isn’t glamorous, but there are times when it serves a purpose.”

— Janet Evanovich

315. “Yeah, I like that idea. Maybe he’ll shoot at us again. I was hoping someone would shoot at me today. That was the first thing I said when I got up: Boy, I hope I get shot at today.”

— Janet Evanovich

316. “There was only one way I could see managing this. I got out, ran around the car, opened his door, and straddled him with one leg outside and one foot on the console. Beeeeeep! My ass was on the horn. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beepbeepbeepbeepbeep! A bead of sweat streaked down the side of Ranger’s face. “Babe.”

— Janet Evanovich

317. “If Lula was a pastry she’d be a big chocolate cupcake with a lot of frosting. I’d be more of a croissant with a ponytail.”

— Janet Evanovich

318. “Sliced off like a chicken neck and stuck with a hatpin. Reminded me of my husband.” Lula leaned forward so she could whisper. “You talking about size? Was your man’s part that big?” “Heck no,” Grandma said. “His part was that dead.”

— Janet Evanovich

319. “One minute I was having a day like any other, and then Whack an this guy didn’t have no head“ Lula Finger Lickin 15.”

— Janet Evanovich

320. “Probably Ranger wouldn’t even mind that I was here. After all, he’s slept in my bed and used my shower. Of course, I was in them at the time.”

— Janet Evanovich

321. “Grandma ladled out oatmeal for the three of us. She and I took our bowls into the dining area, and Bob ate his in the kitchen. When Grandma and I went back to the kitchen, Bob’s bowl was empty. The cardboard box that used to hold the cake was also empty. “Guess Bob’s got a sweet tooth,” Grandma said. I shook my finger at him. “That was rude. And besides, you’ll get fat.” Bob wagged his tail.”

— Janet Evanovich

322. “Which was one reason why Revolt of the Zombie Strippers was being shot in Gallup and not in a warehouse in Van Nuys.”

— Janet Evanovich

323. “Everyone wants to be a better version of themselves,” he said. “It’s easy for you because you just needed a new jacket. For some other people the job is more complicated.”

— Janet Evanovich

324. “I don’t feel comfortable with that,” Emerson said. “I’m not actually a gun person.” “Guns don’t kill people,” Rollo said. “Pontiac GTOs being pushed off mountains kill people.”

— Janet Evanovich

325. “The problem with all that falling in love was that eventually it had to come to an end, and the end would be painful.”

— Janet Evanovich

326. “Ranger released my ponytail but kept a hand on my neck. I tried to act calm, but his touch was humming through me all the way to my toes and points in between.”

— Janet Evanovich

327. “I’ll have one of my men drop a car off for you.” “Thanks. I’ll try not to lose it.” “If you can manage to keep it intact for a week, it’s yours. If it gets stolen, blown up, crushed by a garbage truck, set on fire, filled with cement, or dies an untimely death by any other means, I’ll expect you to spend the night with me.”

— Janet Evanovich

328. “Ranger shrugged. “Things turn up.” He reached behind him and came up with a gun. My gun. “Found this in the lobby, too.” He tucked the gun under the top edge of my towel, wedging it between my breasts, his knuckles brushing against me. My breath caught in my throat, and for a moment I thought my towel might catch fire. Ranger smiled again. And I did more eye narrowing. “I’ll be in touch,” Ranger said. And then he was gone.”

— Janet Evanovich

329. “I was going to go to church, but I decided to get doughnuts instead.”

— Janet Evanovich

330. “I’ve noticed you only talk ghetto half of the time.” “I’m multi-lingual,” Ranger said.”

— Janet Evanovich

331. “There’s another part to success,” Ranger said. “You have to be brave.”

— Janet Evanovich

332. “A hollowed-out volcano is every super-villain’s dream lair. It’s all about location, location, location.” Riley.”

— Janet Evanovich

333. “My philosophy is aim high and fail big.”

— Janet Evanovich

334. “When you live in Jersey a beach isn’t enough. People have energy in Jersey. They need things to do. They need a beach with a boardwalk. And the boardwalk has to be filled with rides and games and crappy food. Add some miniature golf. Throw in a bunch of stores selling T-shirts with offensive pictures. Life doesn’t get much better than this.”

— Janet Evanovich

335. “Life is a journey, not a destination,” Emerson said. “One must live in the moment.”

— Janet Evanovich

336. “Ranger was the second biggest complication in my life, and now that Morelli was out of the picture, I supposed Ranger was elevated to numero uno. He’s close to six foot, one way or the other, is Latino, with medium brown skin and dark brown hair cut short. His teeth are white and even, and he has a killer smile that is seen only on special occasions. He dresses in black, and today he was wearing a black T-shirt and black cargo pants.”

— Janet Evanovich

337. “Altogether, there are eight types of illusions. Magic, a dream, a bubble, a rainbow, lightning, the moon reflected in water, a mirage, and a city of celestial musicians.” Vernon.”

— Janet Evanovich

338. “Will you promise to pick up after yourself?” “No, but I’ll hire a cleaning lady.”

— Janet Evanovich

339. “Ranger is a bounty hunter, like me. Only Ranger is good. He’s close to my age, give or take a few years; he’s Cuban-American; and I’m pretty sure he only kills bad guys.”

— Janet Evanovich

340. “I am just a simple monk. The sun shines on the just and unjust alike. If the sun does not judge, then who am I to do so?”

— Janet Evanovich

341. “What did you do?” “Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire.” “That would be funny, but I’m worried it’s all true.” “It’s been a long couple days.” “Did he really fart fire?” Morelli asked.”

— Janet Evanovich

342. “I could use some lunch.” “Do you have any money?” “No,” Lula said. “Do you?” “No.” “There’s only one thing to do then. Senior buffet.” Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.”

— Janet Evanovich

343. “The lights were low, and Ranger was naked and lounging on the bed, waiting for me to return. I did a slow scan of his perfect body.”

— Janet Evanovich

344. “He’s a serious babe,” Connie said. “Saw him six months ago, before all this happened. He was ordering a quarter pound of provolone at the meat market, and I had all I could do to keep from sinking my teeth into his butt.”

— Janet Evanovich

345. “She’s a former professional erectile engineer.”

— Janet Evanovich

346. “He wrapped his hand around my wrist, pulled me to him, and kissed me. The kiss was warm and short.”

— Janet Evanovich

347. “We could track down a gang guy wanted for armed robbery and assault.” “That sounds like a lot of fun, but I might have to pass on account of I don’t want to die right now.” “We could visit some of Sunny’s relatives and ask if he’s staying with them.” “Ditto for the above reason.”

— Janet Evanovich

348. “A man who does not know fear cannot die, because death has no place to enter.” Vernon.”

— Janet Evanovich

349. “I swear,” Hal said, “this place is like the Bermuda Triangle. It’s friggin’ spooky. I went out to feed the monkeys last night, and I saw the Easter Bunny walking down the road with Sasquatch. And now there are rockets shooting into the sky from nowhere.”

— Janet Evanovich

350. “I was in no rush to get back to the funeral parlor, so I called Ranger again. “Hi,” I said to his answering service. “It’s me. Things are looking up. Your wife is tailing me, but she hasn’t shot at me yet today, so that’s a good thing, right? And you need to answer your damn phone calls.”

— Janet Evanovich