Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Howie’s doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie’s been on a diet he’s gained three.”

— Janet Evanovich

252. “With the exception of dessert, food is food.”

— Janet Evanovich

253. “I’ve never been in this part of Trenton before. I don’t feel comfortable driving around buildings that haven’t got gang slogans sprayed on them. Look at this place. No boarded-up windows. No garbage in the gutter. No brothers selling goods on the street. Don’t know how people can live like this.”

— Janet Evanovich

254. “You hung up on me,” he said. “Don’t ever hang up on me.” His voice was quiet, but as always the authority was unmistakable. He was wearing black dress slacks, a long-sleeved lightweight black sweater pushed up on his forearms, and expensive black loafers. His hair was cut very short. I was used to seeing him in SWAT dress with long hair, and I hadn’t immediately recognized him. I guess that was the point.”

— Janet Evanovich

255. “If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.”

— Janet Evanovich

256. “He had a body like batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

257. “Honey, a man can’t keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn’t done.”

— Janet Evanovich

258. “Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”

— Janet Evanovich

259. “I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot.”

— Janet Evanovich

260. “Diesel grinned. “You have a choice. You can be the stupid inferior female or the stupid powerful female.” “How about if I’m just myself?” Diesel glanced at Ranger. “I’m not going to touch that one.” Ranger shook his head. “I’ll pass.” “Funny,” I said. “Very funny.”

— Janet Evanovich

261. “Mystery creates wonder, and wonder is the basis of man’s desire to understand.”

— Janet Evanovich

262. “We’ve got to get into shape,” I said to Lula. “We should go to a gym or something.” “I’d sooner set myself on fire.” That about summed it up for me, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

263. “When you get ready to write your novel, outline it first. There’s nothing worse than getting halfway through and realizing you’ve painted yourself in a plot corner.”

— Janet Evanovich

264. “It has been my experience that the only normal people are those you don’t know very well.”

— Janet Evanovich

265. “And the closest I’ve come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case.”

— Janet Evanovich

266. “In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.”

— Janet Evanovich

267. “I wasnt always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom.”

— Janet Evanovich

268. “I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I almost fell over backward.”

— Janet Evanovich

269. “My instructions were to disable the car, but one of my men bet Hal a burger he couldn’t get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”

— Janet Evanovich

270. “If Mickey Mouse could fly, he’d be Donald Duck.”

— Janet Evanovich

271. “I set the box of biscuits on the counter and went to the bathroom, and when I returned the biscuits were gone. Only a slobbery, mangled corner of the box remained.”

— Janet Evanovich

272. “An orgasm is an orgasm, but getting there can leave you with a herniated disc if you aren’t careful.”

— Janet Evanovich

273. “Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don’t like them?” “If we can like Bob, we can like anything,” Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.”

— Janet Evanovich

274. “Hey,” I said, “dogs are people, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

275. “My mother is a good Christian woman who would never refuse someone a seat at her table, but I knew this was a nightmare for her. With Lula and Grandma at the table together, it’s much more likely that my father will try to stab someone with his fork.”

— Janet Evanovich

276. “That’s just terrible. Obviously the woman needed a cannoli. I don’t know what this world’s coming to when you get arrested for needing a cannoli.”

— Janet Evanovich

277. “It’s a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.” “Does Morelli know about this?” “It’s pretend.” “I’m not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol’ Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”

— Janet Evanovich

278. “Ranger was in his usual black – a perfectly tailored black suit, and a black dress shirt open at the neck. The Glock at the small of his back was also black. Ranger’s body is perfect. His hair is very dark brown. Cut short. His eyes are dark brown and intense. His skin is the color of hot chocolate, the lucky result of his Latino ancestry. His earbud matched his skin tone and was barely detectable.”

— Janet Evanovich

279. “How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn’t show.”

— Janet Evanovich

280. “If you want to cry, you’re not going to like my books.”

— Janet Evanovich

281. “I ordered a pitcher of beer,” Morelli said. “Hope that’s okay.” “It’s perfect. I need it now.” Morelli whistled through his teeth, and everyone jumped in the restaurant. He raised his hand and mouthed “Beer” to the waitress. “Gee, that’s smooth,” I said to Morelli. “I’m a Jersey Italian, and my girl needs a drink.”

— Janet Evanovich

282. “You’d really go all the way to Greece, and run a covert operation again, just so I can have the satisfaction of capturing Nick Fox?” “Sure,” he said. “We don’t get nearly enough quality father-daughter time.”

— Janet Evanovich

283. “He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.”

— Janet Evanovich

284. “I wanted to marry Aladdin so I’d get to fly on his magic carpet. So you can see that we were coming from different places.”

— Janet Evanovich

285. “I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.”

— Janet Evanovich

286. “I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”

— Janet Evanovich

287. “Sometimes I moonlight for a guy named Ranger who’s extremely bad in an incredibly good way.”

— Janet Evanovich

288. “He pulled his nose out of her cleavage and turned to me. “Gaylord Brown,” he said. “It’s the perfect name because I’m gay and I’m brown.”

— Janet Evanovich

289. “It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don’t slow down for anything.”

— Janet Evanovich

290. “I almost never shoot people.”

— Janet Evanovich

291. “It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They’d just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear.”

— Janet Evanovich

292. “If you can’t fool yourself,” he said, “how can you expect to fool anybody else?”

— Janet Evanovich

293. “I could use some help with an FTA. What’s your problem? He’s old, and I’ll look like a loser if I shoot him.”

— Janet Evanovich

294. “In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.”

— Janet Evanovich

295. “I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”

— Janet Evanovich

296. “He rooted for the Mets, he wore Foot of the Loom underwear, and he drove a Buick. His loyalties were carved in stone and he wasn’t about to be impressed with some upstart of a toaster salesman who drove a Bonneville.”

— Janet Evanovich

297. “As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

298. “Sometimes when a plan is right, everything else, all the things you can’t control, falls into place just the way it should.”

— Janet Evanovich

299. “Are you laughing? I can feel you laughing. My life isn’t funny!” “Babe, your life should be a prime-time sitcom.”

— Janet Evanovich

300. “It’s not a good idea to mess with a woman who has a pimple.”

— Janet Evanovich