Top 400 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “I exchanged my flannel shirt for a Rangers jersey and zapped the television on. Probably I should make more phone calls, but the Rangers were playing and priorities were priorities.”

— Janet Evanovich

252. “You’re such a cupcake.”

— Janet Evanovich

253. “Ranger was in his usual black – a perfectly tailored black suit, and a black dress shirt open at the neck. The Glock at the small of his back was also black. Ranger’s body is perfect. His hair is very dark brown. Cut short. His eyes are dark brown and intense. His skin is the color of hot chocolate, the lucky result of his Latino ancestry. His earbud matched his skin tone and was barely detectable.”

— Janet Evanovich

254. “And the closest I’ve come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case.”

— Janet Evanovich

255. “I wasnt always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom.”

— Janet Evanovich

256. “Hey,” Lula said to Ranger’s man.“You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don’t need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?”

— Janet Evanovich

257. “It has been my experience that the only normal people are those you don’t know very well.”

— Janet Evanovich

258. “When you get ready to write your novel, outline it first. There’s nothing worse than getting halfway through and realizing you’ve painted yourself in a plot corner.”

— Janet Evanovich

259. “Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”

— Janet Evanovich

260. “He grabbed me by my jacket lapels, pulled me to him, and kissed me. His tongue touched mine and I got a rush that was just a millimeter below climax. His hands slid inside my jacket and circled my waist. He was hard against me. And suddenly nothing mattered but a Ranger-induced orgasm. I wanted one. Now. The hell with Eddie DeChooch. One of these days he’d drive himself into a bridge abutment and that’d be the end of that.”

— Janet Evanovich

261. “If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Romance Quotes

262. “Mystery creates wonder, and wonder is the basis of man’s desire to understand.”

— Janet Evanovich

263. “I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie’s eyes go wide. “Be still my heart,” Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk. I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

264. “He had a body like batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

265. “I don’t have a car. How am I going to get around?” “Taxi. Skateboard. Drone pickup. Figure it out!”

— Janet Evanovich

266. “Howie’s doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie’s been on a diet he’s gained three.”

— Janet Evanovich

267. “With the exception of dessert, food is food.”

— Janet Evanovich

268. “I’ve never been in this part of Trenton before. I don’t feel comfortable driving around buildings that haven’t got gang slogans sprayed on them. Look at this place. No boarded-up windows. No garbage in the gutter. No brothers selling goods on the street. Don’t know how people can live like this.”

— Janet Evanovich

269. “My instructions were to disable the car, but one of my men bet Hal a burger he couldn’t get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”

— Janet Evanovich

270. “In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.”

— Janet Evanovich

271. “You were worried about me?” “No,” Hal said. “I was worried Ranger would kill me if I lost you.”

— Janet Evanovich

272. “I’ll have Ella order some Rangeman shirts for you. If you decide to go back to Vinnie you can keep the shirts.” Ranger almost smiled. “I like the idea of you wearing my name on your breast.”

— Janet Evanovich

273. “I wasn’t sure exactly how prostitutes determined price, but if men bought hookers by the pound, these two would be doing okay.”

— Janet Evanovich

274. “Ranger slipped an arm around me, leaned close, and kissed me. The kiss was a further indicator that he liked the dress. In fact, the kiss suggested that while he liked the dress a lot, he wouldn’t mind getting me out of the dress as soon as possible.”

— Janet Evanovich

275. “I don’t think his elevator went all the way to the top anymore, if you know what I mean.”

— Janet Evanovich

276. “Sometimes when a plan is right, everything else, all the things you can’t control, falls into place just the way it should.”

— Janet Evanovich

277. “Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don’t like them?” “If we can like Bob, we can like anything,” Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.”

— Janet Evanovich

278. “How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn’t show.”

— Janet Evanovich

279. “I set the box of biscuits on the counter and went to the bathroom, and when I returned the biscuits were gone. Only a slobbery, mangled corner of the box remained.”

— Janet Evanovich

280. “That’s just terrible. Obviously the woman needed a cannoli. I don’t know what this world’s coming to when you get arrested for needing a cannoli.”

— Janet Evanovich

281. “He pulled his nose out of her cleavage and turned to me. “Gaylord Brown,” he said. “It’s the perfect name because I’m gay and I’m brown.”

— Janet Evanovich

282. “I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.”

— Janet Evanovich

283. “I ordered a pitcher of beer,” Morelli said. “Hope that’s okay.” “It’s perfect. I need it now.” Morelli whistled through his teeth, and everyone jumped in the restaurant. He raised his hand and mouthed “Beer” to the waitress. “Gee, that’s smooth,” I said to Morelli. “I’m a Jersey Italian, and my girl needs a drink.”

— Janet Evanovich

284. “You’d really go all the way to Greece, and run a covert operation again, just so I can have the satisfaction of capturing Nick Fox?” “Sure,” he said. “We don’t get nearly enough quality father-daughter time.”

— Janet Evanovich

285. “I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.”

— Janet Evanovich

286. “If you want to cry, you’re not going to like my books.”

— Janet Evanovich

287. “It’s a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.” “Does Morelli know about this?” “It’s pretend.” “I’m not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol’ Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”

— Janet Evanovich

288. “It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don’t slow down for anything.”

— Janet Evanovich

289. “I wanted to marry Aladdin so I’d get to fly on his magic carpet. So you can see that we were coming from different places.”

— Janet Evanovich

290. “My mother is a good Christian woman who would never refuse someone a seat at her table, but I knew this was a nightmare for her. With Lula and Grandma at the table together, it’s much more likely that my father will try to stab someone with his fork.”

— Janet Evanovich

291. “I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”

— Janet Evanovich

292. “Hey,” I said, “dogs are people, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

293. “Sometimes I moonlight for a guy named Ranger who’s extremely bad in an incredibly good way.”

— Janet Evanovich

294. “I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”

— Janet Evanovich

295. “He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.”

— Janet Evanovich

296. “I don’t know what this country’s coming to when an old lady can’t keep a gun in her purse.”

— Janet Evanovich

297. “As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

298. “If you can’t fool yourself,” he said, “how can you expect to fool anybody else?”

— Janet Evanovich

299. “When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.”

— Janet Evanovich

300. “I almost never shoot people.”

— Janet Evanovich