Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Diesel grinned. “You have a choice. You can be the stupid inferior female or the stupid powerful female.” “How about if I’m just myself?” Diesel glanced at Ranger. “I’m not going to touch that one.” Ranger shook his head. “I’ll pass.” “Funny,” I said. “Very funny.”

— Janet Evanovich

252. “We’ve got to get into shape,” I said to Lula. “We should go to a gym or something.” “I’d sooner set myself on fire.” That about summed it up for me, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

253. “Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn’t fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me.”

— Janet Evanovich

254. “I exchanged my flannel shirt for a Rangers jersey and zapped the television on. Probably I should make more phone calls, but the Rangers were playing and priorities were priorities.”

— Janet Evanovich

255. “You’re such a cupcake.”

— Janet Evanovich

256. “Ranger was in his usual black – a perfectly tailored black suit, and a black dress shirt open at the neck. The Glock at the small of his back was also black. Ranger’s body is perfect. His hair is very dark brown. Cut short. His eyes are dark brown and intense. His skin is the color of hot chocolate, the lucky result of his Latino ancestry. His earbud matched his skin tone and was barely detectable.”

— Janet Evanovich

257. “And the closest I’ve come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case.”

— Janet Evanovich

258. “I wasnt always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom.”

— Janet Evanovich

259. “I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I almost fell over backward.”

— Janet Evanovich

260. “Hey,” Lula said to Ranger’s man.“You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don’t need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?”

— Janet Evanovich

261. “When you get ready to write your novel, outline it first. There’s nothing worse than getting halfway through and realizing you’ve painted yourself in a plot corner.”

— Janet Evanovich

262. “It has been my experience that the only normal people are those you don’t know very well.”

— Janet Evanovich

263. “Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”

— Janet Evanovich

264. “Your life isn’t out of control. It’s expanded.”

— Janet Evanovich

265. “He grabbed me by my jacket lapels, pulled me to him, and kissed me. His tongue touched mine and I got a rush that was just a millimeter below climax. His hands slid inside my jacket and circled my waist. He was hard against me. And suddenly nothing mattered but a Ranger-induced orgasm. I wanted one. Now. The hell with Eddie DeChooch. One of these days he’d drive himself into a bridge abutment and that’d be the end of that.”

— Janet Evanovich

266. “If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Romance Quotes

267. “Mystery creates wonder, and wonder is the basis of man’s desire to understand.”

— Janet Evanovich

268. “I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie’s eyes go wide. “Be still my heart,” Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk. I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

269. “He had a body like batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

270. “I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head I saw myself thinking.”

— Janet Evanovich

271. “I don’t have a car. How am I going to get around?” “Taxi. Skateboard. Drone pickup. Figure it out!”

— Janet Evanovich

272. “Howie’s doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie’s been on a diet he’s gained three.”

— Janet Evanovich

273. “With the exception of dessert, food is food.”

— Janet Evanovich

274. “I’ve never been in this part of Trenton before. I don’t feel comfortable driving around buildings that haven’t got gang slogans sprayed on them. Look at this place. No boarded-up windows. No garbage in the gutter. No brothers selling goods on the street. Don’t know how people can live like this.”

— Janet Evanovich

275. “In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I’ve never been a slave to good judgment.”

— Janet Evanovich

276. “My instructions were to disable the car, but one of my men bet Hal a burger he couldn’t get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”

— Janet Evanovich

277. “Sometimes I moonlight for a guy named Ranger who’s extremely bad in an incredibly good way.”

— Janet Evanovich

278. “He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.”

— Janet Evanovich

279. “Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don’t like them?” “If we can like Bob, we can like anything,” Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.”

— Janet Evanovich

280. “How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn’t show.”

— Janet Evanovich

281. “I set the box of biscuits on the counter and went to the bathroom, and when I returned the biscuits were gone. Only a slobbery, mangled corner of the box remained.”

— Janet Evanovich

282. “That’s just terrible. Obviously the woman needed a cannoli. I don’t know what this world’s coming to when you get arrested for needing a cannoli.”

— Janet Evanovich

283. “He pulled his nose out of her cleavage and turned to me. “Gaylord Brown,” he said. “It’s the perfect name because I’m gay and I’m brown.”

— Janet Evanovich

284. “I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.”

— Janet Evanovich

285. “If you want to cry, you’re not going to like my books.”

— Janet Evanovich

286. “I ordered a pitcher of beer,” Morelli said. “Hope that’s okay.” “It’s perfect. I need it now.” Morelli whistled through his teeth, and everyone jumped in the restaurant. He raised his hand and mouthed “Beer” to the waitress. “Gee, that’s smooth,” I said to Morelli. “I’m a Jersey Italian, and my girl needs a drink.”

— Janet Evanovich

287. “You’d really go all the way to Greece, and run a covert operation again, just so I can have the satisfaction of capturing Nick Fox?” “Sure,” he said. “We don’t get nearly enough quality father-daughter time.”

— Janet Evanovich

288. “It’s a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.” “Does Morelli know about this?” “It’s pretend.” “I’m not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol’ Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”

— Janet Evanovich

289. “It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don’t slow down for anything.”

— Janet Evanovich

290. “I wanted to marry Aladdin so I’d get to fly on his magic carpet. So you can see that we were coming from different places.”

— Janet Evanovich

291. “My mother is a good Christian woman who would never refuse someone a seat at her table, but I knew this was a nightmare for her. With Lula and Grandma at the table together, it’s much more likely that my father will try to stab someone with his fork.”

— Janet Evanovich

292. “I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”

— Janet Evanovich

293. “Hey,” I said, “dogs are people, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

294. “In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.”

— Janet Evanovich

295. “I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”

— Janet Evanovich

296. “I don’t know what this country’s coming to when an old lady can’t keep a gun in her purse.”

— Janet Evanovich

297. “As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.”

— Janet Evanovich

298. “I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I’d like to say I haven’t run over anyone since.”

— Janet Evanovich

299. “If you can’t fool yourself,” he said, “how can you expect to fool anybody else?”

— Janet Evanovich

300. “When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.”

— Janet Evanovich