Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “He grabbed me by my jacket lapels, pulled me to him, and kissed me. His tongue touched mine and I got a rush that was just a millimeter below climax. His hands slid inside my jacket and circled my waist. He was hard against me. And suddenly nothing mattered but a Ranger-induced orgasm. I wanted one. Now. The hell with Eddie DeChooch. One of these days he’d drive himself into a bridge abutment and that’d be the end of that.”

— Janet Evanovich

252. “Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn’t fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me.”

— Janet Evanovich

253. “I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie’s eyes go wide. “Be still my heart,” Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk. I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger.”

— Janet Evanovich

254. “I don’t think his elevator went all the way to the top anymore, if you know what I mean.”

— Janet Evanovich

255. “Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. “How does he always get food stuck to him?” I asked Morelli. “I don’t know,” Morelli said. “It’s a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I’m not sure.” -Morelli And Stephanie.”

— Janet Evanovich

256. “Ranger slipped an arm around me, leaned close, and kissed me. The kiss was a further indicator that he liked the dress. In fact, the kiss suggested that while he liked the dress a lot, he wouldn’t mind getting me out of the dress as soon as possible.”

— Janet Evanovich

257. “That’s one of the things I like about Mary Lou. She’s willing to believe the worst about anyone.”

— Janet Evanovich

258. “Hey,” Lula said to Ranger’s man.“You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don’t need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?”

— Janet Evanovich

259. “I wasn’t sure exactly how prostitutes determined price, but if men bought hookers by the pound, these two would be doing okay.”

— Janet Evanovich

260. “You were worried about me?” “No,” Hal said. “I was worried Ranger would kill me if I lost you.”

— Janet Evanovich

261. “I’ll have Ella order some Rangeman shirts for you. If you decide to go back to Vinnie you can keep the shirts.” Ranger almost smiled. “I like the idea of you wearing my name on your breast.”

— Janet Evanovich

262. “You’re scum, Morelli! You’re scum!”

— Janet Evanovich

263. “Howie’s doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie’s been on a diet he’s gained three.”

— Janet Evanovich

264. “With the exception of dessert, food is food.”

— Janet Evanovich

265. “I’ve never been in this part of Trenton before. I don’t feel comfortable driving around buildings that haven’t got gang slogans sprayed on them. Look at this place. No boarded-up windows. No garbage in the gutter. No brothers selling goods on the street. Don’t know how people can live like this.”

— Janet Evanovich

266. “You hung up on me,” he said. “Don’t ever hang up on me.” His voice was quiet, but as always the authority was unmistakable. He was wearing black dress slacks, a long-sleeved lightweight black sweater pushed up on his forearms, and expensive black loafers. His hair was cut very short. I was used to seeing him in SWAT dress with long hair, and I hadn’t immediately recognized him. I guess that was the point.”

— Janet Evanovich

267. “If I gave you a pity position it wouldn’t be in my office.”

— Janet Evanovich

268. “He had a body like batman.”

— Janet Evanovich

269. “Honey, a man can’t keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn’t done.”

— Janet Evanovich

270. “Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”

— Janet Evanovich

271. “I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.”

— Janet Evanovich

272. “I don’t need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”

— Janet Evanovich

273. “Sometimes I moonlight for a guy named Ranger who’s extremely bad in an incredibly good way.”

— Janet Evanovich

274. “He pulled his nose out of her cleavage and turned to me. “Gaylord Brown,” he said. “It’s the perfect name because I’m gay and I’m brown.”

— Janet Evanovich

275. “It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don’t slow down for anything.”

— Janet Evanovich

276. “If Mickey Mouse could fly, he’d be Donald Duck.”

— Janet Evanovich

277. “I set the box of biscuits on the counter and went to the bathroom, and when I returned the biscuits were gone. Only a slobbery, mangled corner of the box remained.”

— Janet Evanovich

278. “An orgasm is an orgasm, but getting there can leave you with a herniated disc if you aren’t careful.”

— Janet Evanovich

279. “Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don’t like them?” “If we can like Bob, we can like anything,” Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.”

— Janet Evanovich

280. “Hey,” I said, “dogs are people, too.”

— Janet Evanovich

281. “My mother is a good Christian woman who would never refuse someone a seat at her table, but I knew this was a nightmare for her. With Lula and Grandma at the table together, it’s much more likely that my father will try to stab someone with his fork.”

— Janet Evanovich

282. “That’s just terrible. Obviously the woman needed a cannoli. I don’t know what this world’s coming to when you get arrested for needing a cannoli.”

— Janet Evanovich

283. “It’s a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.” “Does Morelli know about this?” “It’s pretend.” “I’m not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol’ Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”

— Janet Evanovich

284. “Ranger was in his usual black – a perfectly tailored black suit, and a black dress shirt open at the neck. The Glock at the small of his back was also black. Ranger’s body is perfect. His hair is very dark brown. Cut short. His eyes are dark brown and intense. His skin is the color of hot chocolate, the lucky result of his Latino ancestry. His earbud matched his skin tone and was barely detectable.”

— Janet Evanovich

285. “How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn’t show.”

— Janet Evanovich

286. “If you want to cry, you’re not going to like my books.”

— Janet Evanovich

287. “I ordered a pitcher of beer,” Morelli said. “Hope that’s okay.” “It’s perfect. I need it now.” Morelli whistled through his teeth, and everyone jumped in the restaurant. He raised his hand and mouthed “Beer” to the waitress. “Gee, that’s smooth,” I said to Morelli. “I’m a Jersey Italian, and my girl needs a drink.”

— Janet Evanovich

288. “You’d really go all the way to Greece, and run a covert operation again, just so I can have the satisfaction of capturing Nick Fox?” “Sure,” he said. “We don’t get nearly enough quality father-daughter time.”

— Janet Evanovich

289. “He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.”

— Janet Evanovich

290. “I wanted to marry Aladdin so I’d get to fly on his magic carpet. So you can see that we were coming from different places.”

— Janet Evanovich

291. “Are you laughing? I can feel you laughing. My life isn’t funny!” “Babe, your life should be a prime-time sitcom.”

— Janet Evanovich

292. “It’s not a good idea to mess with a woman who has a pimple.”

— Janet Evanovich

293. “No one can eat just one French fry.” “I bet supermodels eat just one French fry.”

— Janet Evanovich

294. “I don’t know what this country’s coming to when an old lady can’t keep a gun in her purse.”

— Janet Evanovich

295. “I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!”

— Janet Evanovich

296. “I almost never shoot people.”

— Janet Evanovich

297. “It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They’d just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear.”

— Janet Evanovich

298. “If you can’t fool yourself,” he said, “how can you expect to fool anybody else?”

— Janet Evanovich

299. “I could use some help with an FTA. What’s your problem? He’s old, and I’ll look like a loser if I shoot him.”

— Janet Evanovich

300. “In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.”

— Janet Evanovich