Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who’s knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that’s some kind of record.”

— Janet Evanovich

152. “Holy cow!” I said. “You can’t go to the door like that!” “My gun’s in the kitchen.” “Yes, but your underwear’s on the floor in my bedroom!” And that wasn’t the biggest problem.”

— Janet Evanovich

153. “When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

154. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country’s a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He’ll be fine.”

— Janet Evanovich

155. “I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. – Stephanie Plum.”

— Janet Evanovich

156. “Since I write in first person and have no idea what goes on in men’s heads.”

— Janet Evanovich

157. “As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don’t care if he’s Jack the Ripper.”

— Janet Evanovich

158. “Ranger was not husband material. He was a heart-stopping handsome Latino, dark-skinned and dark-eyed. He was strong inside and out, an enigma who kept his life scars pretty much hidden.”

— Janet Evanovich

159. “Stroll around and look sexy, ask annoying questions, in general get on everyone’s nerves. All those things that come naturally to you.”

— Janet Evanovich

160. “I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”

— Janet Evanovich

161. “I’m so busy writing and editing two books a year that I don’t have time for painting anymore.”

— Janet Evanovich

162. “A woman’s never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.”

— Janet Evanovich

163. “There’s no such thing as semi-legal.”

— Janet Evanovich

164. “My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.”

— Janet Evanovich

165. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs.”

— Janet Evanovich

166. “Ranger pulled onto the shoulder and reprogrammed the GPS system. “Lucky for you, you look good in a T-shirt,” Ranger said. “Lucky for you I don’t have a gun on me.” Ranger turned to me. His voice was low and even, but there was a whisper of incredulous disbelief. “You’re not carrying a gun?” “Didn’t seem necessary for us both to have one.”

— Janet Evanovich

167. “Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing. “It’s not funny,” I said. “Babe, I haven’t got a lot of funny in my life. Let me enjoy the moment.”

— Janet Evanovich

168. “Morelli opened a kitchen drawer, removed a gun, and stepped to the cellar door. “Wait,” I said, “maybe we should call the police.” “Cupcake, I am the police.”

— Janet Evanovich

169. “That’s why I’m not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don’t need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.”

— Janet Evanovich

170. “I think money isn’t any good sitting around, so I spend some time in the shoe department at Saks.”

— Janet Evanovich

171. “Lula fired off a shot that went wide, and Poletti charged Briggs. Grandma swung her purse just as Poletti swept past her. The big black patent leather bag caught Poletti on the side of the head, and Poletti staggered and crashed to the ground. Ranger cuffed him, and the three cops took over.”

— Janet Evanovich

172. “I’d spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Romance Quotes

173. “An orgasm is an orgasm, but getting there can leave you with a herniated disc if you aren’t careful.”

— Janet Evanovich

174. “Cracker Jacks don’t count as junk food because they’re corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.”

— Janet Evanovich

175. “I cut my eyes to the alley. Ranger was still there, doubled over the steering wheel, shaking with laughter.”

— Janet Evanovich

176. “Hell, bravery didn’t have anything to do with it. I was shitfaced.”

— Janet Evanovich

177. “I really wouldn’t classify the books as mysteries. I prefer to say that they’re adventures.”

— Janet Evanovich

178. “I knew there were no such things as death cooties. Unfortunately, that’s an intellectual fact. And death cooties are an emotional reality.”

— Janet Evanovich

179. “My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive.”

— Janet Evanovich

180. “I crossed the room at a run, barreled through the door to take the stairs, and crashed into Ranger. We lost balance and rolled tangled together to the fourth-floor landing. We lay there for a moment, stunned and breathless. Ranger was flat on his back, and I was on top of him.”

— Janet Evanovich

181. “Good thing he’s dead,” Lula said, “or that would have hurt like the devil.”

— Janet Evanovich

182. “I’d kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.”

— Janet Evanovich

183. “You’re a magnet for mess. I’ve never seen anything like it. Lula to Stephanie.”

— Janet Evanovich

184. “He’s the Wizard because he’s magic. He mysteriously passes through locked doors. He seems to read minds. He’s able to refuse dessert. And he can give me a hot flash with the touch of a fingertip.”

— Janet Evanovich

185. “The law is for people who have nothing to hide.”

— Janet Evanovich

186. “My eyes never got lower than your nipples. If it wasn’t for the fact that Morelli would shoot me I would have taken you on his front lawn.”

— Janet Evanovich

187. “And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.”

— Janet Evanovich

188. “If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.”

— Janet Evanovich

189. “Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”

— Janet Evanovich

190. “Probably went to get a pretzel.”

— Janet Evanovich

191. “It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?” “Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips. She threatened the driver with a nail file, filled her car with bags of Fritos, and took off, leaving the driver standing there in front of his empty truck.”

— Janet Evanovich

192. “I figured I’d embellish the truth a little, since the police might not be up on the finer points of bounty hunterism and might not understand about commandeering.”

— Janet Evanovich

193. “I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table.”

— Janet Evanovich

194. “You hung up on me,” he said. “Don’t ever hang up on me.” His voice was quiet, but as always the authority was unmistakable. He was wearing black dress slacks, a long-sleeved lightweight black sweater pushed up on his forearms, and expensive black loafers. His hair was cut very short. I was used to seeing him in SWAT dress with long hair, and I hadn’t immediately recognized him. I guess that was the point.”

— Janet Evanovich

195. “Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner?”

— Janet Evanovich

196. “I think that some books are more successful than others to certain readers. People who read my books for the humor, they’re going to love one book. People who read my books for the mystery, they might not like that book quite as much.”

— Janet Evanovich

197. “Now it’s my turn,” Riley said. “What’s your first name? Where’d you grow up? Who’s your favorite Batman?”

— Janet Evanovich

198. “Turns out, that’s how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up.”

— Janet Evanovich

199. “Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while.”

— Janet Evanovich

Featured in: Reading Quotes

200. “When people ask what you do, tell them you’re a writer. Put yourself on the line. Make a commitment.”

— Janet Evanovich