Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.”

— Janet Evanovich

152. “I figured I’d embellish the truth a little, since the police might not be up on the finer points of bounty hunterism and might not understand about commandeering.”

— Janet Evanovich

153. “I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table.”

— Janet Evanovich

154. “I’d spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.”

— Janet Evanovich

155. “The law is for people who have nothing to hide.”

— Janet Evanovich

156. “My eyes never got lower than your nipples. If it wasn’t for the fact that Morelli would shoot me I would have taken you on his front lawn.”

— Janet Evanovich

157. “Lula fired off a shot that went wide, and Poletti charged Briggs. Grandma swung her purse just as Poletti swept past her. The big black patent leather bag caught Poletti on the side of the head, and Poletti staggered and crashed to the ground. Ranger cuffed him, and the three cops took over.”

— Janet Evanovich

158. “Good thing he’s dead,” Lula said, “or that would have hurt like the devil.”

— Janet Evanovich

159. “I’d kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.”

— Janet Evanovich

160. “My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.”

— Janet Evanovich

161. “Morelli opened a kitchen drawer, removed a gun, and stepped to the cellar door. “Wait,” I said, “maybe we should call the police.” “Cupcake, I am the police.”

— Janet Evanovich

162. “I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”

— Janet Evanovich

163. “I really wouldn’t classify the books as mysteries. I prefer to say that they’re adventures.”

— Janet Evanovich

164. “I knew there were no such things as death cooties. Unfortunately, that’s an intellectual fact. And death cooties are an emotional reality.”

— Janet Evanovich

165. “My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive.”

— Janet Evanovich

166. “Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing. “It’s not funny,” I said. “Babe, I haven’t got a lot of funny in my life. Let me enjoy the moment.”

— Janet Evanovich

167. “Probably went to get a pretzel.”

— Janet Evanovich

168. “Cracker Jacks don’t count as junk food because they’re corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.”

— Janet Evanovich

169. “My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.”

— Janet Evanovich

170. “And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.”

— Janet Evanovich

171. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs.”

— Janet Evanovich

172. “Ranger pulled onto the shoulder and reprogrammed the GPS system. “Lucky for you, you look good in a T-shirt,” Ranger said. “Lucky for you I don’t have a gun on me.” Ranger turned to me. His voice was low and even, but there was a whisper of incredulous disbelief. “You’re not carrying a gun?” “Didn’t seem necessary for us both to have one.”

— Janet Evanovich

173. “I’d hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.”

— Janet Evanovich

174. “I want to be there when you get Cubbin. And I don’t want to be left out of the television show either. Little people are sexy now. Have you seen Game of Thrones? We’re hot.”

— Janet Evanovich

175. “You’re a magnet for mess. I’ve never seen anything like it. Lula to Stephanie.”

— Janet Evanovich

176. “A woman’s never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.”

— Janet Evanovich

177. “He’s the Wizard because he’s magic. He mysteriously passes through locked doors. He seems to read minds. He’s able to refuse dessert. And he can give me a hot flash with the touch of a fingertip.”

— Janet Evanovich

178. “There’s no such thing as semi-legal.”

— Janet Evanovich

179. “I think money isn’t any good sitting around, so I spend some time in the shoe department at Saks.”

— Janet Evanovich

180. “It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?” “Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips. She threatened the driver with a nail file, filled her car with bags of Fritos, and took off, leaving the driver standing there in front of his empty truck.”

— Janet Evanovich

181. “I’m so busy writing and editing two books a year that I don’t have time for painting anymore.”

— Janet Evanovich

182. “Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner?”

— Janet Evanovich

183. “Now it’s my turn,” Riley said. “What’s your first name? Where’d you grow up? Who’s your favorite Batman?”

— Janet Evanovich

184. “I cut my eyes to the alley. Ranger was still there, doubled over the steering wheel, shaking with laughter.”

— Janet Evanovich

185. “Stroll around and look sexy, ask annoying questions, in general get on everyone’s nerves. All those things that come naturally to you.”

— Janet Evanovich

186. “Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.”

— Janet Evanovich

187. “I can’t help it. I’m just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. “Excuse me,” she said.”

— Janet Evanovich

188. “Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear.”

— Janet Evanovich

189. “The note wasn’t signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard.”

— Janet Evanovich

190. “I took all of my rejection letters – there must have been thousands of them in a huge box – and I went out on the curb and burned them all, crying.”

— Janet Evanovich

191. “May misfortune follow us the rest of our lives, but never catch up.”

— Janet Evanovich

192. “I like my nuts,” Mooner said. “I don’t want them cut off. I’d be, like, nutless then.”

— Janet Evanovich

193. “I’m for sure a workaholic. I’m a complete control freak and I take on way too many projects.”

— Janet Evanovich

194. “As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don’t care if he’s Jack the Ripper.”

— Janet Evanovich

195. “I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn’t be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother.”

— Janet Evanovich

196. “Did you pack an extra gun?” “Of course,” she said. “You can never have too many weapons.” Jake smiled. “I raised you right.”

— Janet Evanovich

197. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea to give a woman a box of bullets when she’s got a pimple.”

— Janet Evanovich

198. “My father was in the kitchen putting a new washer in the kitchen faucet. He looked relieved to see Morelli standing in the hallway. He’d probably prefer I bring home someone useful, like a butcher or a car mechanic, but I guess cops are a step up from undertakers.”

— Janet Evanovich

199. “I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I’ll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That’s just who I am.”

— Janet Evanovich

200. “That’s why I’m not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don’t need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.”

— Janet Evanovich