Top 380 Janet Evanovich Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “We got into the Explorer, and I couldn’t sit with the gun rammed into my pants. “I can’t do this,” I said to Ranger. “This dumb gun is too big. It’s poking me.” Ranger closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the wheel. “I can’t believe I hired you.”

— Janet Evanovich

152. “I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

— Janet Evanovich

153. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country’s a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He’ll be fine.”

— Janet Evanovich

154. “Stroll around and look sexy, ask annoying questions, in general get on everyone’s nerves. All those things that come naturally to you.”

— Janet Evanovich

155. “If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.”

— Janet Evanovich

156. “I figured I’d embellish the truth a little, since the police might not be up on the finer points of bounty hunterism and might not understand about commandeering.”

— Janet Evanovich

157. “I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table.”

— Janet Evanovich

158. “I’d spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.”

— Janet Evanovich

159. “The law is for people who have nothing to hide.”

— Janet Evanovich

160. “My eyes never got lower than your nipples. If it wasn’t for the fact that Morelli would shoot me I would have taken you on his front lawn.”

— Janet Evanovich

161. “As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don’t care if he’s Jack the Ripper.”

— Janet Evanovich

162. “Lula fired off a shot that went wide, and Poletti charged Briggs. Grandma swung her purse just as Poletti swept past her. The big black patent leather bag caught Poletti on the side of the head, and Poletti staggered and crashed to the ground. Ranger cuffed him, and the three cops took over.”

— Janet Evanovich

163. “Good thing he’s dead,” Lula said, “or that would have hurt like the devil.”

— Janet Evanovich

164. “I’d kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.”

— Janet Evanovich

165. “Be still my heart.”

— Janet Evanovich

166. “Morelli opened a kitchen drawer, removed a gun, and stepped to the cellar door. “Wait,” I said, “maybe we should call the police.” “Cupcake, I am the police.”

— Janet Evanovich

167. “I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”

— Janet Evanovich

168. “I really wouldn’t classify the books as mysteries. I prefer to say that they’re adventures.”

— Janet Evanovich

169. “I knew there were no such things as death cooties. Unfortunately, that’s an intellectual fact. And death cooties are an emotional reality.”

— Janet Evanovich

170. “My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive.”

— Janet Evanovich

171. “Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”

— Janet Evanovich

172. “Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing. “It’s not funny,” I said. “Babe, I haven’t got a lot of funny in my life. Let me enjoy the moment.”

— Janet Evanovich

173. “Probably went to get a pretzel.”

— Janet Evanovich

174. “Cracker Jacks don’t count as junk food because they’re corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.”

— Janet Evanovich

175. “My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.”

— Janet Evanovich

176. “And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.”

— Janet Evanovich

177. “Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We’re simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We’re like that catfish with lungs.”

— Janet Evanovich

178. “Ranger pulled onto the shoulder and reprogrammed the GPS system. “Lucky for you, you look good in a T-shirt,” Ranger said. “Lucky for you I don’t have a gun on me.” Ranger turned to me. His voice was low and even, but there was a whisper of incredulous disbelief. “You’re not carrying a gun?” “Didn’t seem necessary for us both to have one.”

— Janet Evanovich

179. “You’re a magnet for mess. I’ve never seen anything like it. Lula to Stephanie.”

— Janet Evanovich

180. “A woman’s never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.”

— Janet Evanovich

181. “He’s the Wizard because he’s magic. He mysteriously passes through locked doors. He seems to read minds. He’s able to refuse dessert. And he can give me a hot flash with the touch of a fingertip.”

— Janet Evanovich

182. “There’s no such thing as semi-legal.”

— Janet Evanovich

183. “I think money isn’t any good sitting around, so I spend some time in the shoe department at Saks.”

— Janet Evanovich

184. “It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?” “Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips. She threatened the driver with a nail file, filled her car with bags of Fritos, and took off, leaving the driver standing there in front of his empty truck.”

— Janet Evanovich

185. “I’m so busy writing and editing two books a year that I don’t have time for painting anymore.”

— Janet Evanovich

186. “I crossed the room at a run, barreled through the door to take the stairs, and crashed into Ranger. We lost balance and rolled tangled together to the fourth-floor landing. We lay there for a moment, stunned and breathless. Ranger was flat on his back, and I was on top of him.”

— Janet Evanovich

187. “Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner?”

— Janet Evanovich

188. “Now it’s my turn,” Riley said. “What’s your first name? Where’d you grow up? Who’s your favorite Batman?”

— Janet Evanovich

189. “I cut my eyes to the alley. Ranger was still there, doubled over the steering wheel, shaking with laughter.”

— Janet Evanovich

190. “Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.”

— Janet Evanovich

191. “I can’t help it. I’m just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. “Excuse me,” she said.”

— Janet Evanovich

192. “Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear.”

— Janet Evanovich

193. “The note wasn’t signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard.”

— Janet Evanovich

194. “I took all of my rejection letters – there must have been thousands of them in a huge box – and I went out on the curb and burned them all, crying.”

— Janet Evanovich

195. “May misfortune follow us the rest of our lives, but never catch up.”

— Janet Evanovich

196. “I like my nuts,” Mooner said. “I don’t want them cut off. I’d be, like, nutless then.”

— Janet Evanovich

197. “I’m for sure a workaholic. I’m a complete control freak and I take on way too many projects.”

— Janet Evanovich

198. “It was one of those impulse things.”

— Janet Evanovich

199. “I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn’t be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother.”

— Janet Evanovich

200. “Did you pack an extra gun?” “Of course,” she said. “You can never have too many weapons.” Jake smiled. “I raised you right.”

— Janet Evanovich