Top 40 Funny Motivational Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Positive Quotes, Startup Quotes, Funny Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Powerful Motivational Quotes

2. “And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

— Dr. Seuss

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Expectations Quotes, Quotes About Kids

3. “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”

— Steve Jobs

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes

4. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes, Forgiveness Quotes

5. “Life is too short to learn German.”

— Richard Porson

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes

6. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

7. “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

8. “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

— Rick Cook

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Programming Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Technology Quotes

9. “They don’t think it is like it is, but it is.”

— Oscar Gamble

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sports Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

10. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.”

— Bill Murray

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Movie Quotes

11. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Short Quotes, Short Quotes About Life

12. “Be the Mick Jagger of the Mailroom, the Warren Buffett of Bookkeeping and the Bono of stapler selling”

— Robin S. Sharma

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Positive Work Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

13. “For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.”

— Larry Eisenberg

Also featured in: Mind Quotes, Peace Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

14. “If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large.”

— Jeff Bezos

Also featured in: Silly Quotes

15. “Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Procrastination Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

16. “Creativity is great-but not in accounting.”

— Charles Scott

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

17. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

18. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

19. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

20. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

21. “Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”

— Howard Nemerov

Also featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

22. “Free your mind and your ass will follow.”

— George Clinton

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

23. “Don’t hate the player; change the game.”

— Steve Harvey

24. “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

— Unknown

Also featured in: Cheer Quotes, Motivational Workout Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

25. “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me – no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Volunteer Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

26. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

27. “If you want milk, don’t sit on a stool in the middle of a field in the hope that a cow will back up to you.”

— Richard Branson

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Silly Quotes

28. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

— Mae West

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Famous Movie Quotes, Funny Movie Quotes

29. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

— Aziz Ansari

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

30. “Suit up!”

— Barney Stinson

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Epic Quotes

31. “They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.”

— Brian Clough

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Soccer Quotes

32. “Comedy is acting out optimism.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

33. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”

— Isaac Asimov

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

34. “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.”

— Milton Berle

Also featured in: Cheer Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Smile Quotes

35. “If plan A fails, remember there are 25 more letters.”

— Chris Guillebeau

Also featured in: Silly Quotes

36. “You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.”

— Ethel Barrymore

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Quotes About Growing Up

37. “Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun.”

— Randy Pausch

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Fun Quotes

38. “No one has ever drowned in sweat.”

— Lou Holtz

Also featured in: Football Quotes, Exercise Quotes

39. “Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.”

— Doug Larson

Also featured in: Impossible Quotes, Smart Quotes

40. “My motto is water off a duck’s back. Meaning: don’t let negativity weigh you down, perpetuate positive thinking.”

— Jinkx Monsoon