Top 500 Terry Pratchett Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god’s idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.”

— Terry Pratchett

402. “What’s a philosopher?? said Brutha. Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,? said a voice in his head.”

— Terry Pratchett

403. “You know what I’d really, really like? What I’d pay MONEY for? A ZX81 with a disc drive. I understood the ZX81. It was so easy to interface stuff to it.”

— Terry Pratchett

404. “Never build a dungeon you wouldn’t be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.”

— Terry Pratchett

405. “I reckon responsible behavior is something to get when you grow older. Like varicose veins.”

— Terry Pratchett

406. “I had a deprived childhood, you see. I had lots of other kids to play with and my parents bought me outdoor toys and refused to ill-treat me, so it never occurred to me to seek solitary consolation with a good book.”

— Terry Pratchett

407. “The man gave a shrug which indicated that, although the world did indeed have many problems, this was one of them that was not his.”

— Terry Pratchett

408. “Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.”

— Terry Pratchett

409. “Tragic heroes always moan when the gods take an interest in them, but it’s the people the gods ignore who get the really tough deals.”

— Terry Pratchett

410. “Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”

— Terry Pratchett

411. “But in his experience it was only a matter of time before the normal balance of the universe restored itself and started doing the usual terrible things to him.”

— Terry Pratchett

412. “Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where’s your coffee? You’ve got coffee, haven’t you? C’mon, everyone’s got coffee! Spill the beans!”

— Terry Pratchett

413. “Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.”

— Terry Pratchett

414. “Magrat had used a lot of powder to make her face pale and interesting. It combined with the lavishly applied mascara to give the guard the impression that he was looking at two flies that had crashed into a sugar bowl.”

— Terry Pratchett

415. “I’m up to my neck in the real world, every day. Just you try doing your VAT return with a head full of goblins.”

— Terry Pratchett

416. “I express preference for a chronological sequence of events which precludes a violence.”

— Terry Pratchett

417. “Maurice watched them argue again. Humans, eh? Think they’re lords of creation. Not like us cats. We know we are. Ever see a cat feed a human? Case proven.”

— Terry Pratchett

418. “Soon to come in licorice, orange, cinnamon, and banana, but not strawberry, because I hate strawberries.”

— Terry Pratchett

419. “I know it’s a very human thing to say ‘Is there anything I can do,’ but in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry.”

— Terry Pratchett

420. “Once you gave a thing a name, you gave it life.”

— Terry Pratchett

421. “A push-and-go wooden duck on wheels can cause quite a lot of damage if wielded with enough force.”

— Terry Pratchett

422. “It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases – one was Alzheimers, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimers.”

— Terry Pratchett

423. “Even a really bad creator would at least have started with Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Surprise.”

— Terry Pratchett

424. “You have so many sources to draw on when you’re a fantasy writer.”

— Terry Pratchett

425. “Sometimes you had to take a look at yourself and then look away.”

— Terry Pratchett

426. “Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.”

— Terry Pratchett

427. “Sometimes you can think that ‘I’ve had enough of wizards!’ And sometimes fantasy is not just about wizards.”

— Terry Pratchett

428. “Many feel they are called to the priesthood, but what they really hear is an inner voice saying, ‘It’s indoor work with no heavy lifting, do you want to be a ploughman like your father?’”

— Terry Pratchett

429. “Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving.”

— Terry Pratchett

430. “It’s tough at the top. It’s tough at the bottom. But in between you could use them for horse-shoes.”

— Terry Pratchett

431. “No real sunrise could paint the sky Surgical Appliance Pink.”

— Terry Pratchett

432. “Raising the flag and singing the anthem are, while somewhat suspicious, not in themselves acts of treason.”

— Terry Pratchett

433. “Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?”

— Terry Pratchett

434. “It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes. This is broadly true. But Heaven has the best choreographers.”

— Terry Pratchett

435. “Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o’course.”

— Terry Pratchett

436. “In order to have a change of fortune at the last minute, you have to take your fortune to the last minute.”

— Terry Pratchett

437. “Never trust any complicated cocktail that remains perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.”

— Terry Pratchett

438. “Of course, Ankh-Morpork’s citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.”

— Terry Pratchett

439. “Logic is a wonderful thing but doesn’t always beat actual thought.”

— Terry Pratchett

440. “Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.”

— Terry Pratchett

441. “Oh, come on. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion.”

— Terry Pratchett

442. “There are thousands of good reasons why magic doesn’t rule the world. They’re called Witches and Wizards.”

— Terry Pratchett

443. “Yes, sir, thank you, sir, and I wouldn’t trust me one little inch, sir. I knows a bad one when I sees them. I have a mirror.”

— Terry Pratchett

444. “What’s the good of having mastery over cosmic balance and knowing the secrets of fate if you can’t blow something up?”

— Terry Pratchett

445. “Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: ‘Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?’”

— Terry Pratchett

446. “I must confess the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occurred to him.”

— Terry Pratchett

447. “Incidentally, it’s best not to argue with the nursing staff. I find the best course of action is to throw some chocolates in one direction and hurry off in the other while their attention is distracted.”

— Terry Pratchett

448. “If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.”

— Terry Pratchett

449. “Nothing has to be true forever. Just for long enough, to tell you the truth.”

— Terry Pratchett

450. “Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong.”

— Terry Pratchett