Top 180 W. C. Fields Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.”

— W. C. Fields

52. “I can do anything I want to do!”

— W. C. Fields

53. “Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”

— W. C. Fields

54. “Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.”

— W. C. Fields

55. “There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

— W. C. Fields

56. “It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.”

— W. C. Fields

57. “I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”

— W. C. Fields

58. “I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.”

— W. C. Fields

59. “A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

— W. C. Fields

60. “I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

— W. C. Fields

61. “The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world’s smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!”

— W. C. Fields

62. “How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.”

— W. C. Fields

63. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

— W. C. Fields

64. “There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

— W. C. Fields

65. “Never give a sucker an even break.”

— W. C. Fields

66. “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”

— W. C. Fields

67. “Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.”

— W. C. Fields

68. “Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”

— W. C. Fields

69. “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four-letter words.”

— W. C. Fields

70. “I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

— W. C. Fields

71. “I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.”

— W. C. Fields

72. “I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”

— W. C. Fields

73. “When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”

— W. C. Fields

74. “It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”

— W. C. Fields

75. “If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.”

— W. C. Fields

76. “Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.”

— W. C. Fields

77. “During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”

— W. C. Fields

78. “Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.”

— W. C. Fields

79. “I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.”

— W. C. Fields

80. “Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.”

— W. C. Fields

81. “I’m looking for loopholes.”

— W. C. Fields

82. “I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.”

— W. C. Fields

83. “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

— W. C. Fields

84. “California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”

— W. C. Fields

85. “Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

— W. C. Fields

86. “I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.”

— W. C. Fields

87. “Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.”

— W. C. Fields

88. “I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.”

— W. C. Fields

89. “All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.”

— W. C. Fields

90. “I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”

— W. C. Fields

91. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”

— W. C. Fields

92. “Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.”

— W. C. Fields

93. “The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.”

— W. C. Fields

94. “I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

— W. C. Fields

95. “Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.”

— W. C. Fields

96. “It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.”

— W. C. Fields

97. “I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.”

— W. C. Fields

98. “So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.”

— W. C. Fields

99. “Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.”

— W. C. Fields

100. “There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.”

— W. C. Fields