Top 180 W. C. Fields Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

— W. C. Fields

152. “Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!”

— W. C. Fields

153. “Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.”

— W. C. Fields

154. “The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”

— W. C. Fields

155. “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.”

— W. C. Fields

156. “If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.”

— W. C. Fields

157. “A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.”

— W. C. Fields

158. “I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.”

— W. C. Fields

159. “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”

— W. C. Fields

160. “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

— W. C. Fields

161. “I’ve been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.”

— W. C. Fields

162. “The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.”

— W. C. Fields

163. “Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”

— W. C. Fields

164. “It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either.”

— W. C. Fields

165. “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

— W. C. Fields

166. “I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.”

— W. C. Fields

167. “My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?”

— W. C. Fields

168. “No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.”

— W. C. Fields

169. “I must have a drink of breakfast.”

— W. C. Fields

170. “I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”

— W. C. Fields

171. “Ultimately chess is just chess – not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.”

— W. C. Fields

172. “Happiness means quiet nerves.”

— W. C. Fields

173. “If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.”

— W. C. Fields

174. “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philidelphia.”

— W. C. Fields

175. “A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

— W. C. Fields

176. “I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.”

— W. C. Fields

177. “I never met a kid I liked.”

— W. C. Fields

178. “Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.”

— W. C. Fields

179. “I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

— W. C. Fields

180. “To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I’m not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I’m asked to believe.”

— W. C. Fields

181. “The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .”

— W. C. Fields

182. “Marriage is better than leprosy only because it’s easier to get rid of.”

— W. C. Fields

183. “The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.”

— W. C. Fields

184. “I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.”

— W. C. Fields

185. “There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.”

— W. C. Fields

186. “I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.”

— W. C. Fields

187. “Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.”

— W. C. Fields

188. “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

— W. C. Fields

189. “I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.”

— W. C. Fields

190. “I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.”

— W. C. Fields