Top 180 W. C. Fields Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Haters Quotes

2. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

3. “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”

— W. C. Fields

4. “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes

5. “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”

— W. C. Fields

6. “Never work with animals or children.”

— W. C. Fields

7. “Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”

— W. C. Fields

8. “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

— W. C. Fields

9. “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”

— W. C. Fields

10. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

— W. C. Fields

11. “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”

— W. C. Fields

12. “You can’t cheat an honest man.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Truth Quotes

13. “First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

14. “When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

— W. C. Fields

15. “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

— W. C. Fields

16. “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”

— W. C. Fields

17. “You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.”

— W. C. Fields

18. “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”

— W. C. Fields

19. “Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

20. “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”

— W. C. Fields

21. “Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.”

— W. C. Fields

22. “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”

— W. C. Fields

23. “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Book Quotes

24. “Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”

— W. C. Fields

25. “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

— W. C. Fields

26. “If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.”

— W. C. Fields

27. “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”

— W. C. Fields

28. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

— W. C. Fields

29. “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Book Quotes

30. “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”

— W. C. Fields

31. “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

— W. C. Fields

32. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

— W. C. Fields

33. “It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.”

— W. C. Fields

34. “What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.”

— W. C. Fields

35. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

— W. C. Fields

36. “I drink therefore I am.”

— W. C. Fields

37. “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

— W. C. Fields

38. “You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

— W. C. Fields

39. “It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

— W. C. Fields

40. “I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

— W. C. Fields

Featured in: Strong Quotes

41. “I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”

— W. C. Fields

42. “Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.”

— W. C. Fields

43. “Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”

— W. C. Fields

44. “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”

— W. C. Fields

45. “Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

— W. C. Fields

46. “I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

— W. C. Fields

47. “Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

— W. C. Fields

48. “It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.”

— W. C. Fields

49. “I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”

— W. C. Fields

50. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

— W. C. Fields