“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
— W. C. Fields
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”
“A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”
“You can’t cheat an honest man.”
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“Never work with animals or children.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.”
“You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.”
“Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”
“I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”
“Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”
“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
“Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”
“Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”
“I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”
“I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.”
“I drink therefore I am.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
“I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”
“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.”
“I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
“Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”
“It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.”
“Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
“When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”
“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”
“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.”
“There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.”
“Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.”
“I can do anything I want to do!”
“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”
“Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.”
“Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”
“It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.”
“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.”
“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.”
“Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.”
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”
“There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.”
“How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.”
“It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”
“I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.”
“This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”
“What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.”
“The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world’s smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!”
“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.”
“I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.”
“Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.”
“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”
“Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.”
“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
“My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”
“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”
“Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.”
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”
“The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.”
“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”
“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
“There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
“So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.”
“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.”
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”
“I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.”
“After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.”
“There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.”
“I’ve been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”
“The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.”
“I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.”
“In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.”
“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”
“All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.”
“My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”
“Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.”
“California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”
“I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.”
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