W. C. Fields Quotes

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W. C. Fields Quote: “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

W. C. Fields Quote: “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “You can’t cheat an honest man.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Never work with animals or children.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I drink therefore I am.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I can do anything I want to do!”

W. C. Fields Quote: “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world’s smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I’ve been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

W. C. Fields Quote: “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

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