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W. C. Fields Quotes

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W. C. Fields Quote: “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Never work with animals or children.”

Never work with animals or children.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “You can’t cheat an honest man.”

You can’t cheat an honest man.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.”

If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.”

You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.”

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I drink therefore I am.”

I drink therefore I am.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.”

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.”

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

— W. C. Fields

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