“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
— W. C. Fields
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
“Never work with animals or children.”
“A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”
“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”
“You can’t cheat an honest man.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.”
“You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.”
“Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”
“I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”
“First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.”
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”
“Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”
“Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”
“I drink therefore I am.”
“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
“Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”
“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.”
“I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
“I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
“I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”
“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”
“Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”
“I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
“Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”
“It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
“Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”
“When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”
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