Top 180 W. C. Fields Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”

— W. C. Fields

102. “After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.”

— W. C. Fields

103. “Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.”

— W. C. Fields

104. “Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.”

— W. C. Fields

105. “I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.”

— W. C. Fields

106. “Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.”

— W. C. Fields

107. “Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”

— W. C. Fields

108. “The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.”

— W. C. Fields

109. “I like children – fried.”

— W. C. Fields

110. “Ain’t fit for man nor beast.”

— W. C. Fields

111. “My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”

— W. C. Fields

112. “Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.”

— W. C. Fields

113. “I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”

— W. C. Fields

114. “I’ve been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”

— W. C. Fields

115. “Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”

— W. C. Fields

116. “The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

— W. C. Fields

117. “Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.”

— W. C. Fields

118. “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

— W. C. Fields

119. “Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.”

— W. C. Fields

120. “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

— W. C. Fields

121. “I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.”

— W. C. Fields

122. “I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

— W. C. Fields

123. “If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”

— W. C. Fields

124. “I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.”

— W. C. Fields

125. “There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.”

— W. C. Fields

126. “I never eat before breakfast.”

— W. C. Fields

127. “The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”

— W. C. Fields

128. “No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we’ll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.”

— W. C. Fields

129. “Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!”

— W. C. Fields

130. “I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.”

— W. C. Fields

131. “Where there is a will, there’s prosperity around the corner.”

— W. C. Fields

132. “Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”

— W. C. Fields

133. “Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.”

— W. C. Fields

134. “Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”

— W. C. Fields

135. “Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.”

— W. C. Fields

136. “I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.”

— W. C. Fields

137. “The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.”

— W. C. Fields

138. “In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.”

— W. C. Fields

139. “I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers.”

— W. C. Fields

140. “The best thing to break is a contract.”

— W. C. Fields

141. “Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.”

— W. C. Fields

142. “A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.”

— W. C. Fields

143. “It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.”

— W. C. Fields

144. “I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.”

— W. C. Fields

145. “The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”

— W. C. Fields

146. “All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.”

— W. C. Fields

147. “I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.”

— W. C. Fields

148. “Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

— W. C. Fields

149. “I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise.”

— W. C. Fields

150. “When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.”

— W. C. Fields