Create Yours

W. C. Fields Quotes
Page 3 of 4

188 wallpapers

W. C. Fields Quote: “I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.”

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.”

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.”

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.”

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!”

Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.”

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.”

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.”

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.”

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Where there is a will, there’s prosperity around the corner.”

Where there is a will, there’s prosperity around the corner.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.”

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Ain’t fit for man nor beast.”

Ain’t fit for man nor beast.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.”

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we’ll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.”

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we’ll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

— W. C. Fields



W. C. Fields Quote: “Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.”

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I never eat before breakfast.”

I never eat before breakfast.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.”

A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.”

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers.”

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The best thing to break is a contract.”

The best thing to break is a contract.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise.”

I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.”

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!”

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.”

I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.”

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.”

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.”

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.”

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.”

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.”

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.”

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.”

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.”

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.”

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.”

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either.”

It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either.

— W. C. Fields


W. C. Fields Quote: “I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.”

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

— W. C. Fields

PREV 1 2 3 4 NEXT
Bruce Lee Quotes
Cassandra Clare Quotes
Truth Quotes
Eoin Colfer Quotes
Susan Ee Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes
Positive Quotes
Startup Quotes
Albert Einstein Quotes
Success Quotes
Steve Jobs Quotes

Get Inspired. Get Motivated.

We're on a mission of turning inspiring quotes into beautiful wallpapers. Start your week with a motivational kick. Don't miss out on our next weekly batch.

Join 48,000+ other people and subscribe to Quotefancy Weekly Digest.

Subscribe