Top 180 Aziz Ansari Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.”

— Aziz Ansari

52. “I’m an optimist – I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.”

— Aziz Ansari

53. “Everyone’s first thought is “These women are going to take advantage of you” or “Someone’s only going to date you because you’re famous.” That stuff’s not really an issue because that’s super-easy to see through.”

— Aziz Ansari

54. “Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.”

— Aziz Ansari

55. “No one’s trying to get with jugglers.”

— Aziz Ansari

56. “Waiting for true love was a luxury that many, especially women, could not afford. In the early 1960s, a full 76 percent of women admitted they would be willing to marry someone they didn’t love. However, only 35 percent of the men said they would do the same.3 If you were a woman, you had far less time to find a man. True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl.”

— Aziz Ansari

57. “I hope you aren’t holding an ice cream cone against your chest, ’cause your heart just warmed – and your ice cream just melted.”

— Aziz Ansari

58. “Another idea from social psychology that goes into our texting games is the scarcity principle. Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available. When you are texting someone less frequently, you are, in effect, creating a scarcity of you and making yourself more attractive.”

— Aziz Ansari

59. “It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.”

— Aziz Ansari

60. “If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed.”

— Aziz Ansari

61. “Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you’ll get hired.”

— Aziz Ansari

62. “Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.”

— Aziz Ansari

63. “I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I’ve really had.”

— Aziz Ansari

64. “Even in my stand-up, there’s a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.”

— Aziz Ansari

65. “I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.”

— Aziz Ansari

66. “It made me wonder whether our ability and desire to interact with strangers is another muscle that risks atrophy in the smartphone world. You don’t need to make small talk with strangers when you can read the Beverly Hills, 90210 Wikipedia page anytime you want. Honestly, what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that’s who.”

— Aziz Ansari

67. “Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn’t really channel them.”

— Aziz Ansari

68. “I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn’t, but I thought: ‘What the hell?’ So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.”

— Aziz Ansari

69. “Marriage was too vital an economic and political institution to be entered into solely on the basis of something as irrational as love,” writes Coontz.”

— Aziz Ansari

70. “I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an ‘ethnic comic’ or an ‘Asian comic.’ I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.”

— Aziz Ansari

71. “I’m kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it’s like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.”

— Aziz Ansari

72. “I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.”

— Aziz Ansari

73. “There’s lots of competition for attractive women, and women get much higher hit rates than men. Granted. But in the midst of this he also said something incredible: “I got approximately 350 matches in 5 months.” That’s seventy people a month. Twenty years ago, if you met a guy who said he’d met seventy women who’d expressed.”

— Aziz Ansari

74. “I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.”

— Aziz Ansari

75. “The temptation to continue to creep on your ex over the Internet is nearly universal. One study found that 88 percent of those who continued to have access to their ex’s Facebook page said they sometimes monitored their ex’s activities, while 70 percent of people who had disconnected from an ex admitted to trying to spy on the ex’s page by other means, such as through a friend’s account.”

— Aziz Ansari

76. “You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It’s a one-man play.”

— Aziz Ansari

77. “Later I check Instagram, and this clown Tanya is posting a photo of some deer. Too busy to write me back, but she has time to post a photo of some deer she saw on a hike?”

— Aziz Ansari

78. “There’s not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person.”

— Aziz Ansari

79. “There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn’t clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options.”

— Aziz Ansari

80. “Come cook food with me and do nothing.”

— Aziz Ansari

81. “Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you’re not supposed to be the coolest guy.”

— Aziz Ansari

82. “Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket. Press a few buttons at any time of the day, and you’re instantly immersed in an ocean.”

— Aziz Ansari

83. “This gets into a fundamental change in how marriage is viewed. Today we see getting married as finding a life partner. Someone we love. But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new.”

— Aziz Ansari

84. “This is why I always say: “If your mother asks you to come beat up an elderly woman on the street for feeding stray cats, JUST SAY NO, it’ll always come back to haunt you.”

— Aziz Ansari

85. “In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.”

— Aziz Ansari

86. “Why do we all say we prefer honesty but rarely give that courtesy to others?”

— Aziz Ansari

87. “I’m kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.”

— Aziz Ansari

88. “I’ve always tried to maintain that I don’t have any advice to give. I’m a curious observer.”

— Aziz Ansari

89. “I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat.”

— Aziz Ansari

90. “The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff.”

— Aziz Ansari

91. “Like most fedora wearers, he had a lot of inexplicable confidence.”

— Aziz Ansari

92. “That’s the thing about the Internet: It doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it. And in turn there are a whole bunch of inferior things that we’d be foolish to choose.”

— Aziz Ansari

93. “For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.”

— Aziz Ansari

94. “If this mentality has so pervaded our decision making, then it stands to reason that it is also affecting our search for a romantic partner, especially if it’s going to be long-term. In a sense, it already has. Remember: We are no longer the generation of the “good enough” marriage. We are now looking for our soul mates. And even after we find our soul mates, if we start feeling unhappy, we get divorced.”

— Aziz Ansari

95. “Any jokes I make I try to make sure it’s on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie.”

— Aziz Ansari

96. “I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.”

— Aziz Ansari

97. “Nowadays the Internet is my chubby friend.”

— Aziz Ansari

98. “The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the “perfect person” that simply didn’t exist in the past when “good enough” was good enough. When they’re successful, though, the payoff is incredible.”

— Aziz Ansari

99. “There are no longer any predetermined life paths. Each of us is on our own.”

— Aziz Ansari

100. “This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I’m constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I’ve been robbed twice.”

— Aziz Ansari