Top 25 Funny Tuesday Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes

2. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About People

3. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

4. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

5. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

6. “If you have enough book space, I don't want to talk to you.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

7. “Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.”

— Hunter S. Thompson

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Short Quotes About Life, Funny Quotes About Life, Fun Quotes

8. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

9. “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes

10. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes

11. “A cup of tea would restore my normality.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

12. “Things just happen. What the hell.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

13. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

— Jay Leno

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Valentine's Day Quotes, Funny Love Quotes

14. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

15. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

16. “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

17. “Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Mistake Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

18. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

19. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

20. “What you see is what you get.”

— Flip Wilson

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes

21. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

— Arthur C. Clarke

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

22. “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.”

— John Glenn

Also featured in: Mind Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Space Quotes

23. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

— Aziz Ansari

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

24. “Comedy is acting out optimism.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

25. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”

— Isaac Asimov

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

26. “Learn to laugh at your problems, cause everybody else does.”

— Jared Leto

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Quotes About Laughing

27. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes