Top 180 Aziz Ansari Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.”

— Aziz Ansari

102. “Sheena Iyengar, a Columbia University professor who specializes in research on choice, put it to me another way: “People are not products,” she said bluntly. “But, essentially, when you say, ‘I want a guy that’s six foot tall and has blah, blah, blah characteristics,’ you’re treating a human being like one.”

— Aziz Ansari

103. “People who own iPhones are twice as likely to sext as people who use Androids.”

— Aziz Ansari

104. “I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.”

— Aziz Ansari

105. “Let’s have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting ‘Gangnam style!’ yelled at them by bros around the world.”

— Aziz Ansari

106. “It’s the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.”

— Aziz Ansari

107. “I have an amazing metabolism. I’m sure that’ll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don’t think I’ll ever get really fat.”

— Aziz Ansari

108. “London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up.”

— Aziz Ansari

109. “Your most casual encounter could lead to something bigger, so treat those interactions with that level of respect.”

— Aziz Ansari

110. “Even if you say you “don’t play games,” that is a type of game – it is the “I don’t play games” game.”

— Aziz Ansari

111. “In her book Alone Together, MIT social psychologist Sherry Turkle convincingly makes the case that younger people are so used to text-based communications, where they have time to gather their thoughts and precisely plan what they are going to say, that they are losing their ability to have spontaneous conversation. She argues that the muscles in our brain that help us with spontaneous conversation are getting less exercise in the text-filled world, so our skills are declining.”

— Aziz Ansari

112. “Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.”

— Aziz Ansari

113. “We have two selves: a real-world self and a phone self, and the nonsense our phone selves do can make our real-world selves look like idiots.”

— Aziz Ansari

114. “On a side note, is there any place on earth that sounds like it has a more chill vibe than Hawaiian Brian’s? Or for that matter, is there a chiller name than “Hawaiian Brian”? “Damnit! Hawaiian Brian just stole my debit card and liquidated all my bank accounts!” I can’t ever see someone having to utter that sentence.”

— Aziz Ansari

115. “True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl.”

— Aziz Ansari

116. “Comedians don’t have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.”

— Aziz Ansari

117. “Carol, I can’t describe how you make me feel. Wait, no, I can – you make my mind release pleasure-inducing neurotransmitters and you’ve flooded my mind with dopamine. If the experience of snorting cocaine and getting so high out of my mind that I want to climb a telephone pole with my bare hands just to see if I can do it were a person, it would be you.”

— Aziz Ansari

118. “If you are in a big city or on an online dating site, you are flooded with options. Seeing all these options, like the people in the job example, are we now comparing our potential partners not to other potential partners but rather to an idealized person whom no one could measure up to?”

— Aziz Ansari

119. “When I’ve really been in love with someone, it’s not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or a certain cuisine. It’s more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.”

— Aziz Ansari

120. “Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.”

— Aziz Ansari

121. “A few decades ago, if I wanted to research vanilla ice cream, what would I have even done? Cold-approach chubby guys and then slowly steer the convo toward ice cream to get their take? No, thanks. Nowadays the Internet is my chubby friend. It is the whole world’s chubby friend.”

— Aziz Ansari

122. “With stand-up, it’s more interesting to hear about people’s failures than their successes.”

— Aziz Ansari

123. “Initially, we are attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize. But the things that really make us fall for someone are their deeper, more unique qualities, and usually those only come out during sustained interactions.”

— Aziz Ansari

124. “In a sense we are all like a Flo Rida song: The more time you spend with us, the more you see how special we are. Social scientists refer to this as the Flo Rida Theory of Acquired Likability Through Repetition.”

— Aziz Ansari

125. “Do I call? Do I text? Do I send a Facebook message? Do I send up a smoke signal? How does one do that? Will I set my rented house on fire? How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell the home’s owner, actor James Earl Jones, that I burned his house down trying to send a smoke signal?”

— Aziz Ansari

126. “No matter how many options we have, the real challenge is figuring out how to evaluate them.”

— Aziz Ansari

127. “Often, when you’re out in the single world meeting people, you meet someone you like, get their number, and put it right in your phone, transforming them into an ‘option’ that lives in your device. Sometimes you and that option engage in some phone-based interaction and you meet up in person. But sometimes that exchange never happens. That potentially cool, exciting person dies there, buried in your phone.”

— Aziz Ansari

128. “This is my favorite. I just love the idea of the guy opening up his phone, seeing the boobs, and thinking, “Ahhhh. Okay, you got this, Phil! Let’s nail this PowerPoint presentation.”

— Aziz Ansari

129. “I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the “nerd” moniker. But I don’t get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a “racist” comedian.”

— Aziz Ansari

130. “A century ago people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after they decided neither party seemed like a murderer, the couple would get married and have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-two. Today people spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.”

— Aziz Ansari

131. “After the rings, the priest should just say, “Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain’s tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won’t feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where’s the pigs in a blanket? I’m outta here.”

— Aziz Ansari

132. “At certain times, though, this “I need the best” mentality can be debilitating.”

— Aziz Ansari

133. “The key, Dinesh said, is to have friends who hang out in different groups in different places, and to mix up the nights so that you’re spending some time with all of them. Whether it’s in church, with volunteer groups, at office parties, or on a sports field, it’s always a place where people meet organically.”

— Aziz Ansari

134. “I am a sexually confident woman who made a video for someone she cared about. If someone I knew saw the images and judged me negatively for making them, I feel confident that the problem is with them, not with me... So when I sext with my boyfriend, the main goal is to get us off. But it’s also my little way of reassuring myself that I decide what to do with my body, and I get to decide which risky behaviors are worth taking.”

— Aziz Ansari

135. “Let’s say you are a handsome, charming stud who really made a great first impression. If your first text is “Hey we shud hang out sumtimez,” you may just destroy any goodwill you have built up.”

— Aziz Ansari

136. “While we may think we know what we want, we’re often wrong.”

— Aziz Ansari

137. “Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.”1 Neurologically it’s similar to the kind of love you feel for an old friend or a family member.”

— Aziz Ansari

138. “One reason it’s so hard to imagine marrying the people we grew up with is that these days we marry much later than people in previous generations.”

— Aziz Ansari

139. “There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it.”

— Aziz Ansari

140. “Wouldn’t it be cool to be single in a bygone area? I take a girl to a drive-in movie, we go have a cheeseburger and a malt at the diner, and then we make out under the stars in my old-timey convertible. Granted, this might have been tough in the fifties given my brown skin tone and racial tensions at the time, but in my fantasy, racial harmony is also part of the deal.”

— Aziz Ansari

141. “But our research also convinced me that too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part. After.”

— Aziz Ansari

142. “The world is available to us, but that may be the problem.”

— Aziz Ansari

143. “Making sure the person shared your interest in sushi and Wes Anderson movies and made you get a boner anytime you touched her hair would seem far too picky.”

— Aziz Ansari

144. “Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available.”

— Aziz Ansari

145. “By the 1980s, 86 percent of American men and 91 percent of American women said they would not marry someone without the presence of romantic love.”

— Aziz Ansari

146. “Hi, I’m Jane. I’m twenty-four and I have a similar experience with Tinder where I was, like, at a party with friends and they were like, “This is the funnest game ever. Let’s play this.” And I downloaded it. And then, like, started seeing way too many people I knew. So I deleted it.”

— Aziz Ansari

147. “As a medium, it’s safe to say, texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits that would not be expressed in a phone call or an in-person interaction.”

— Aziz Ansari

148. “Scheduling chatter is merely one of the many forms of useless banter that makes dating in the digital age so frustrating, especially for women over twenty-five, since they have less patience for constant text exchanges.”

— Aziz Ansari

149. “Now most young people spend their twenties and thirties in another stage of life, where they go to university, start a career, and experience being an adult outside of their parents’ home before marriage.”

— Aziz Ansari

150. “When you look at your phone and see a text from a potential partner, you don’t always see another person – you often see a little bubble with text in it. And it’s easy to forget that this bubble is actually a person.”

— Aziz Ansari