Top 180 Aziz Ansari Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

— Aziz Ansari

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

2. “The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you’re gay.”

— Aziz Ansari

3. “When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that’s very special, and not to be taken for granted.”

— Aziz Ansari

4. “When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.”

— Aziz Ansari

5. “Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.”

— Aziz Ansari

Featured in: Fun Quotes

6. “Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.”

— Aziz Ansari

7. “I’m like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.”

— Aziz Ansari

8. “At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”

— Aziz Ansari

9. “I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”

— Aziz Ansari

10. “I’m so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That’s such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.”

— Aziz Ansari

11. “Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.”

— Aziz Ansari

12. “My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.”

— Aziz Ansari

13. “If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you’re feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.”

— Aziz Ansari

14. “One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it’s Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.”

— Aziz Ansari

15. “I’ve never done online dating.”

— Aziz Ansari

16. “So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.”

— Aziz Ansari

17. “Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.”

— Aziz Ansari

18. “If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights...”

— Aziz Ansari

19. “I prefer being totally sober myself.”

— Aziz Ansari

20. “Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.”

— Aziz Ansari

21. “The four sweetest words in the English language – ‘You wore me down.’”

— Aziz Ansari

22. “She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.”

— Aziz Ansari

23. “I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.”

— Aziz Ansari

Featured in: Being Single Quotes

24. “I have no interest in art. Let me clarify – I have no interest in non-nude images.”

— Aziz Ansari

25. “Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”

— Aziz Ansari

26. “I just think it’s sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs...”

— Aziz Ansari

27. “We each sit alone, staring at this black screen with a whole range of emotions. But in a strange way, we are all doing it together, and we should take solace in the fact that no one has a clue what’s going on.”

— Aziz Ansari

28. “One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.”

— Aziz Ansari

29. “Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.”

— Aziz Ansari

30. “If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.”

— Aziz Ansari

31. “I think absurdist humor is funny...”

— Aziz Ansari

32. “What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!”

— Aziz Ansari

33. “Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!”

— Aziz Ansari

34. “To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.”

— Aziz Ansari

35. “Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.”

— Aziz Ansari

36. “I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.”

— Aziz Ansari

37. “Come on, man, I got a full beard!”

— Aziz Ansari

38. “I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba – little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!”

— Aziz Ansari

39. “I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.”

— Aziz Ansari

40. “Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide:.”

— Aziz Ansari

41. “You don’t know Jay-Z’s scedule. He’s a renaissance man.”

— Aziz Ansari

42. “Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?”

— Aziz Ansari

43. “I can’t think of any bank robbery comedy where it’s about two normal guys. It’s kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it’s just fun doing a normal guy that’s robbing a bank.”

— Aziz Ansari

Featured in: Fun Quotes

44. “You didn’t marry each other because you were madly in love; you married because you could make a family together. While some people said they were getting married for love, the pressure to get married and start a family was such that not every match could be a love match, so instead we had the “good enough marriage.”

— Aziz Ansari

45. “I’m the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.”

— Aziz Ansari

46. “It’s much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.”

— Aziz Ansari

Featured in: Fun Quotes

47. “Why would anyone get married and have babies? That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

— Aziz Ansari

48. “For me the takeaway of these stories is that, no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them. We’re better off spending quality time getting to know actual people than spending hours with our devices, seeing who else is out there.”

— Aziz Ansari

49. “I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”

— Aziz Ansari

50. “I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.”

— Aziz Ansari