Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “It’s wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”

— Christopher Moore

52. “May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.”

— Christopher Moore

53. “Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.”

— Christopher Moore

54. “She’s evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.”

— Christopher Moore

55. “Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind’s roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to.”

— Christopher Moore

56. “Routine feeds the illusion of safety...”

— Christopher Moore

57. “Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written.”

— Christopher Moore

58. “Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live.”

— Christopher Moore

59. “He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.”

— Christopher Moore

60. “Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him...”

— Christopher Moore

61. “I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, “Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together” and make me finish in front of everyone.”

— Christopher Moore

62. “You see, my plan is working. For it is written that ’if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.”

— Christopher Moore

63. “When war makes commerce and commerce is law, profit rules prudence and justice is flawed.”

— Christopher Moore

64. “Most of us don’t live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we’re a whole bunch of selves.”

— Christopher Moore

65. “The measure of a man’s power is the depth of his mercy.”

— Christopher Moore

66. “Sweetheart, wake up; you’ve destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.”

— Christopher Moore

67. “He has the attention span of a hummingbird.”

— Christopher Moore

68. “She laughed. My favorite music.”

— Christopher Moore

69. “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, you can’t have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that’s never going to happen again.”

— Christopher Moore

70. “They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?”

— Christopher Moore

71. “Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”

— Christopher Moore

72. “Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?”

— Christopher Moore

73. “Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.”

— Christopher Moore

74. “The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.”

— Christopher Moore

75. “Confucius is like the Torah, rules to follow. And Lao-Tzu is even more conservative, saying that if you do nothing you won’t break any rules. You have to let tradition fall sometime, you have to take action, you have to eat bacon.”

— Christopher Moore

76. “Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit.”

— Christopher Moore

77. “I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces of people – unidentified but no less real – are threatening life as we know it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence.”

— Christopher Moore

78. “It’s hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?”

— Christopher Moore

79. “The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring – much like a doctor’s waiting room.”

— Christopher Moore

80. “She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference.”

— Christopher Moore

81. “In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos.”

— Christopher Moore

82. “Back in the buffalo days, the Cheyenne prophet Sweet Medicine had seen a vision of men with hair on their faces who would come bringing a white sand that was poison to Indians. The prophecy had come true, the white sand was sugar, and Adeline blamed the white man for poisoning her right up to two hundred pounds.”

— Christopher Moore

83. “I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.”

— Christopher Moore

84. “I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation.”

— Christopher Moore

85. “Faith isn’t an act of intelligence, it’s an act of imagination.”

— Christopher Moore

86. “Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light.”

— Christopher Moore

87. “I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren’t any. I looked around for one but couldn’t find anything. So it’s a wide-open field.”

— Christopher Moore

88. “Hope is merely another face of desire.”

— Christopher Moore

89. “Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles and the kinkiest fans!”

— Christopher Moore

90. “It’s like time travel only, you know, slower...”

— Christopher Moore

91. “Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath.”

— Christopher Moore

92. “Don’t bruise the Foo!”

— Christopher Moore

93. “The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.”

— Christopher Moore

94. “It’s Christmas! Ah, Christmas, the time when all good people go about not decapitating each other.”

— Christopher Moore

95. “If you like what you’re reading, I probably wrote it.”

— Christopher Moore

96. “Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone’s ass?”

— Christopher Moore

97. “Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn’t it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative?”

— Christopher Moore

98. “What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.”

— Christopher Moore

99. “It’s like he has this power over me – like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.”

— Christopher Moore

100. “Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little “Hey, what’s up?” pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff. – Being the Journal of Abby Normal.”

— Christopher Moore