Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.”

— Christopher Moore

102. “It’s like he has this power over me – like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.”

— Christopher Moore

103. “Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little “Hey, what’s up?” pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff. – Being the Journal of Abby Normal.”

— Christopher Moore

104. “This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone’s faith; however, if one’s faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.”

— Christopher Moore

105. “Ack! Parables. I hate parables.”

— Christopher Moore

106. “Angels are just pretty insects.”

— Christopher Moore

107. “She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie’s bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.”

— Christopher Moore

108. “As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don’t want reviews from them, simply because I don’t need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something.”

— Christopher Moore

109. “If they’d been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can’t scratch.”

— Christopher Moore

110. “Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic.”

— Christopher Moore

111. “I fink I gots deaf on me willie.”

— Christopher Moore

112. “The medium obscured the message.”

— Christopher Moore

113. “He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.”

— Christopher Moore

114. “He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.”

— Christopher Moore

115. “And he was like “The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -” -Abby.”

— Christopher Moore

116. “Their names are Death, Disease, War, and Sparkle-Darkle Glitter-tits,” Sophie said. “They’re the four little ponies of the Apocalypse.”

— Christopher Moore

117. “All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren’t afraid.”

— Christopher Moore

118. “Like God’s own chocolate, I’d lick her shadow off a hot sidewalk.”

— Christopher Moore

119. “You sure about this writer thing son?”

— Christopher Moore

120. “San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city, with lots of great contrasts between dark and light, often overlapping each other. It’s a great setting for a horror story.”

— Christopher Moore

121. “Like most Beta Males, he didn’t realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.”

— Christopher Moore

122. “Chinatown is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a wonton, and fried.”

— Christopher Moore

123. “There’s always a bloody ghost.”

— Christopher Moore

124. “This Roberto. He no like the light.”

— Christopher Moore

125. “Why understand when you can believe?”

— Christopher Moore

126. “Wiggly Charlie lived in a big house with his friends Audrey and Big Charlie. He liked mozzarella cheese sticks, chasing his tennis ball, and putting his purple wizard hat on his willy and pretending they were friends.”

— Christopher Moore

127. “I like my tea like I like my men,” Audrey said. Jane looked at her quizzically. “Weak and green,” Charlie said.”

— Christopher Moore

128. “She had the kind of legs that kept her butt from resting on her shoes – a size-eight dame in a size-six dress and every mug in the joint was rooting for the two sizes to make a break for it as they watched her wiggle in the door and shimmy onto a barstool with her back to the door.”

— Christopher Moore

129. “LOST 2 Irish Hellhounds. Very black, like bear. Huge, like bear. Answer to Alvin and Mohammed. Like to eat everything. Like bear! REWARD!”

— Christopher Moore

130. “Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty.”

— Christopher Moore

131. “Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.”

— Christopher Moore

132. “You should never pass up an opportunity to be kind. You should never not thank someone. You should never not say something nice when you think it.”

— Christopher Moore

133. “I’m poor and my cat is huge.”

— Christopher Moore

134. “In each picture is a whole lifetime imprisoned, a whole lifetime of fears, doubts, hopes and joys.”

— Christopher Moore

135. “Will there be heinous fuckery, Pocket?”

— Christopher Moore

136. “You know, there’s a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that. Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I’ll bet I can do it in six.”

— Christopher Moore

137. “She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can’t she, sir?”

— Christopher Moore

138. “By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”

— Christopher Moore

139. “Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say “attaboy”.”

— Christopher Moore

140. “While Alpha Males are often gifted with superior physical attributes – size, strength, speed, good looks – selected by evolution over the eons by the strongest surviving and, essentially, getting all the girls, the Beta Male gene has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it.”

— Christopher Moore

141. “The dull always seek to be clever at the fool’s expense, to somehow repay him for his cutting wit, but never are they clever, and often they are cruel.”

— Christopher Moore

142. “Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl’s purpose.”

— Christopher Moore

143. “What’s a Mennonite?” Vance asked. “Amish with blenders.”

— Christopher Moore

144. “If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them. The key – and this is very relevant in our case – is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.”

— Christopher Moore

145. “You whoreson scalawag!” said I. “You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot!”

— Christopher Moore

146. “And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.”

— Christopher Moore

147. “The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.”

— Christopher Moore

148. “Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it’s a word.”

— Christopher Moore

149. “But she’s a redhead, so she’s probably evil, even at her tender age.”

— Christopher Moore

150. “Minty Fresh made a motion with his hands of leveling, as if he were smoothing an imaginary tablecloth of calm over a counter constructed of contemporary freak-out.”

— Christopher Moore