Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “The only way to control the faithful is to not become one of them.”

— Christopher Moore

252. “Sometimes, it turned out, art was what you had to say, not how you said it.”

— Christopher Moore

253. “Tommy moved on. “Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It’s time to strike back. Look, you don’t have your MBA yet – they haven’t completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don’t you have a dream? Don’t you feel good, like you knew that you would, now?”

— Christopher Moore

254. “There’s no such thing as a conservative hero.’ He was wise, that old man.”

— Christopher Moore

255. “Go away. Your feet are misshapen and your eyebrows grow together in a threatening way.”

— Christopher Moore

256. “Blessed are the minimarshmallows,” the angel said, swooning a little.”

— Christopher Moore

257. “In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it.”

— Christopher Moore

258. “A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord.”

— Christopher Moore

259. “In the ancient world, blue was a breed of darkness.”

— Christopher Moore

260. “I’m very insecure, actually, but I have found that if you roll up screaming like a madwoman, hair on fire, guns blazing, no one is going to mention the zit on your forehead.” Which.”

— Christopher Moore

261. “Why are you lying on the floor?” “Solidarity. And we ran out of cognac. This is my preferred out of cognac posture.”

— Christopher Moore

262. “Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. This is not only the beta male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions.”

— Christopher Moore

263. “For the tourist, immersed in the oblivion of vacation spending, Cypress Street provided a bonanza of curious gifts to prove to the folks back home that they had been somewhere. Somewhere where they had obviously forgotten that soon they would return home to a mortgage, dental bills, and an American Express bill that would descend at the end of the month like a financial Angel of Death. And they bought. They bought effigies of.”

— Christopher Moore

264. “What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart’s desire by action: Put money in thy purse.”

— Christopher Moore

265. “Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.”

— Christopher Moore

266. “Amy called the whale punkin.”

— Christopher Moore

267. “Multiple Personality Barbie. She’s elegant, she’s fashionable, and she’s the reason that Ken has no genitals! Have fun, but remember to hide the sharp stuff!”

— Christopher Moore

268. “You do not cause death, you do not prevent death, you are a servant of Destiny, not its agent. Get over yourself.”

— Christopher Moore

269. “Inside, I was like: “Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!”

— Christopher Moore

270. “You were supposed to empathize with your friend’s problem, but they were, after all, your friend’s problems...”

— Christopher Moore

271. “Who goes out without a phone? This guy was a complete loser.”

— Christopher Moore

272. “Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.”

— Christopher Moore

273. “I’m more visual than verbal, really. The painting and so forth.”

— Christopher Moore

274. “An air force general with so many campaign medals on his uniform that it looked like someone was losing a game of mah-jongg on his chest.”

— Christopher Moore

275. “That’s what I’m saying,” said Charlie, who wasn’t saying that at all.”

— Christopher Moore

276. “Okay, the kingdom is like a monkey.” Joshua was hoarse and his voice was breaking. “How?” “A Jewish monkey, right?” “Is it like a monkey eating a mustard seed?” I stood up and went to Joshua and put my arm around his shoulder. “Josh, take a break.” I led him down the beach toward the village. He shook his head. “Those are the dumbest sons of bitches on earth.” “They’ve become like little children, as you told them to.” “Stupid little children,” Joshua said.”

— Christopher Moore

277. “So, have you seen Flood?” she asked. “Cop?” She added “cop” with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession.”

— Christopher Moore

278. “Isolate ’em. That’s why all your loony-toon cult guys have to get their people out in the boonies somewhere where no one can talk any sense into ’em. Just.”

— Christopher Moore

279. “I would paint more farms,” said Toulouse-Lautrec, “but they always put them so far from the bar.”

— Christopher Moore

280. “Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn’t it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer’s bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there’s no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?” “Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves.”

— Christopher Moore

281. “Molly stood over the stove, naked, except for a wide sash from which was slung the scabbard for her broadsword at the center of her back, giving the impression that she had won honors in the Miss Nude Random Violence Pageant. Her.”

— Christopher Moore

282. “You are a disappointment to disappointments.”

— Christopher Moore

283. “From Dickens’s cockneys to Salinger’s phonies, from Kerouac’s beatniks to Cheech and Chong’s freaks, and on to hip hop’s homies, dialect has always been used as a way for generations to distinguish themselves.”

— Christopher Moore

284. “Every time you give them a new metaphor for the kingdom they see the metaphor, a mustard seed, a field, a garden, a vineyard, it’s like pointing something out to a cat – the cat looks at your finger, not at what you’re pointing at.”

— Christopher Moore

285. “Religion in Chinatown, as in most places, is based less on a cogent theology and more on a collection of random fears, superstitions, prejudices, forgotten customs, vestigial animism, and social control. Mrs. Ling, while a professed Buddhist of the Pure Land tradition, also kept waving cat charms, lucky coins, and put great faith in the good fortune of the color red... and was very much in favor of any tradition, superstition, or ritual that involved fireworks...”

— Christopher Moore

286. “Oh, I get it,” I said. “It’s a parable. Cute. Let’s go eat.”

— Christopher Moore

287. “To be safe is to be afraid.”

— Christopher Moore

288. “Losers can only flourish until a dominant species appears.”

— Christopher Moore

289. “She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent – Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps.”

— Christopher Moore

290. “He was a LEPER, you idiot! Not a leopard.”

— Christopher Moore

291. “Raziel! Go forth into the land and lay waste unto two good-size Wal-Marts, slay until blood doth flow from all bargains and all the buildings are but rubble – and pick up a few Snickers bars for yourself.”

— Christopher Moore

292. “So safe,” Coyote said, “that you can lose it in a day? To be safe is to be afraid. Is that what you want: to be afraid?”

— Christopher Moore

293. “Nothing says Christmas like a burning meth lab.”

— Christopher Moore

294. “Look, I’ve always had an empty place in my life that I’ve alternatively tried to fill with food and penises, but now I have something.”

— Christopher Moore

295. “Parables were never my strong suit. If you wan to say something, say it. So, of course, Joshua and Buddhists were the perfect people to hang out with, straight talkers that they were.”

— Christopher Moore

296. “We will bring your guilt as well. You wouldn’t have escaped it anyway. It is a parent’s gift.”

— Christopher Moore

297. “Not the scream of a startled little girl, mind you, but a manly scream: the scream of a fellow who has caught his enormous dong in a revolving door while charging.”

— Christopher Moore

298. “You tell soldiers what they need to hear to go to war. Bitches need a mission, not a goal.”

— Christopher Moore

299. “Hey, you ever feel like you might just be the construct of an unyielding, all-seeing bureaucracy beyond our perception that is molding humanity to its own will and pleasure?”

— Christopher Moore

300. “I like big butts,” Renoir explained to Toulouse-Lautrec.”

— Christopher Moore