Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “My kingdom for a razor-blade cowcatcher and Cuisinart wheel covers to cut my path through this herd of ignorant peasant meat, she thought. Then: Whoa, I guess I really do need the meds.”

— Christopher Moore

202. “Cry havoc, and let slip the trousers of most outrageous bonkilation!”

— Christopher Moore

203. “The entire town of Monte Rio consisted of a gas station and a tire-flattened raccoon.”

— Christopher Moore

204. “I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won’t even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them ‘parts-dropping-off challenged’ or something.”

— Christopher Moore

205. “You don’t hurry a thinker, and you don’t talk to him when he’s thinking. It’s just inconsiderate.”

— Christopher Moore

206. “So I’m like getting some perspective now – like when you’re a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercials kids with flies in their eyes, who don’t even have a sandwich – and you’re all, ‘Well, that sucks.”

— Christopher Moore

207. “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces.” “That won’t work, isn’t Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?” Charlie called. “That’s the Special Olympics,” Rivera said over his shoulder.”

— Christopher Moore

208. “No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.”

— Christopher Moore

209. “When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument.”

— Christopher Moore

210. “I know, lamb, love is a besquished toad ripening in the sun. But despair not, life in the nunnery is not completely devoid of joy. I was raised by nuns. Once a week you’ll be able to share a sumptuous raisin with your sisters, and then there’s the perpetual flicking of the bean in the dark, for which you’ll have ongoing guilt and repentance during the day, so you’ll stay busy.”

— Christopher Moore

211. “Maybe life is just easier if you’re a little goofy...”

— Christopher Moore

212. “The constable lit the bong and lost himself in the scuba bubbles of sweet comforting smoke.”

— Christopher Moore

213. “A wall is the defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them.”

— Christopher Moore

214. “Mr. Asher, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” “No, ma’am, I’m going to have to insist that you pass away, this instant. You’re overdue.”

— Christopher Moore

215. “Your soul may be more evolved than you are right now. If a kid fails tenth grade, do you make him repeat grades K through nine?” “No, I guess not.” “No, you just make him start over at the beginning of tenth grade. Well, it’s the same with souls. They only ascend. A person gets a soul when they can carry it to the next level, when they are ready to learn the next lesson.”

— Christopher Moore

216. “One can’t be free without action.”

— Christopher Moore

217. “Give in to your passions and they will lead you to the most preposterous conclusions – passions make a fool of reason.”

— Christopher Moore

218. “In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.”

— Christopher Moore

219. “This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I’m asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?”

— Christopher Moore

220. “Sometimes, methinks, a lass just needs to have a proper enraged scream.”

— Christopher Moore

221. “The visual conjured in Val’s mind – all that parched, wrinkled flesh in furious friction – culminated in flames, as if some giant cosmic Boy Scout had decided to rub two old people together to make a fire.”

— Christopher Moore

222. “He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.”

— Christopher Moore

223. “Congratulations, you have been chosen to act as Death, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.”

— Christopher Moore

224. “Die, thou badger-shagging spunk monkey,” said I.”

— Christopher Moore

225. “Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.”

— Christopher Moore

226. “Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.”

— Christopher Moore

227. “He is angry when he leave today. Like bear,” said Mrs. Korjev, who was possessed of an atavistic compulsion toward ursine simile.”

— Christopher Moore

228. “See form, see line, see light, see shadow. See relationships of lines. The model is a collection of these elements, not a body.”

— Christopher Moore

229. “True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there’s an argument to be made for that, as well.”

— Christopher Moore

230. “I don’t know,” Charlie said. “Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I’m say in’ dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?” He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin’.”

— Christopher Moore

231. “And without guilt and dread, who am I?”

— Christopher Moore

232. “Tucker Case did not play golf. He’d tried it once, and although he’d enjoyed the drinking and driving the little electric car into the lake, he just didn’t get the appeal. It seemed – and he’d examined the game closely because his father had loved it – an awful lot like a bunch of rich white guys in goofy clothing walking around on an absurdly large lawn hitting absurdly small white balls with crooked sticks.”

— Christopher Moore

233. “Of course they won’t bloody remember, they’ll be dead.′ Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to ‘poop on a stick,’ but sounded more succinct, like this: ‘Of course they won’t bloody remember, they’ll be dead, Poopstick.”

— Christopher Moore

234. “How would I feel if I woke up and she told me that we had done it while I slept? I’d be fine with it. A little sad that I missed things, but I wouldn’t be mad. I’d just ask her if I had a good time. Women are different, though.”

— Christopher Moore

235. “I’m thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.”

— Christopher Moore

236. “Just because he was pretty didn’t mean he couldn’t be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory.”

— Christopher Moore

237. “You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it.”

— Christopher Moore

238. “I’ll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”

— Christopher Moore

239. “If you are going to learn, you need to forget what you know. – Pokey.”

— Christopher Moore

240. “Don’t trust her,” shouted Helena, who was trying to stop Lysander from licking her shin. “She was a vixen when she went to school, and though she be but little, she is fierce.” “Little, is it?” said Hermia. “I will show you little, thou lumbering maypole. I shall decorate your inconstant lovers with your splattered brains.”

— Christopher Moore

241. “Multiple Personality Barbie. She’s elegant, she’s fashionable, and she’s the reason that Ken has no genitals! Have fun, but remember to hide the sharp stuff!”

— Christopher Moore

242. “Every time you smell peaches, a ghost just got his rocks off.”

— Christopher Moore

243. “What?” he said. “What? What? What?” “Master, you’re walking on the water,” said Peter. “I just ate,” Joshua said. “You can’t go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers?”

— Christopher Moore

244. “That’s it, said Cavuto. You’re too much of a nerd to be gay. I’m contacting the committee. They’ll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.”

— Christopher Moore

245. “Don’t ask me how he got here, or what he really is. I think we’ve all learned over the years that the sooner we accept the simple explanation for the unexplained, the better chance we have of surviving a crisis.”

— Christopher Moore

246. “You know, he doesn’t have to be the only one bopped in the noggin when noggin-boppin’ time rolls around.”

— Christopher Moore

247. “You’re going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can’t go home with, ‘Hi, I’m the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon.”

— Christopher Moore

248. “In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it.”

— Christopher Moore

249. “Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.”

— Christopher Moore

250. “A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord.”

— Christopher Moore