Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “Yeah, and don’t think it’s easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium.”

— Christopher Moore

202. “What the hell good was it to be the Lord of the Underworld if there was fuzz on your underdone toast.”

— Christopher Moore

203. “Cry havoc, and let slip the trousers of most outrageous bonkilation!”

— Christopher Moore

204. “No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.”

— Christopher Moore

205. “You don’t hurry a thinker, and you don’t talk to him when he’s thinking. It’s just inconsiderate.”

— Christopher Moore

206. “An adventure story is fear recalled in comfort.”

— Christopher Moore

207. “When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed’s presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance.”

— Christopher Moore

208. “The entire town of Monte Rio consisted of a gas station and a tire-flattened raccoon.”

— Christopher Moore

209. “One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams.”

— Christopher Moore

210. “So I’m like getting some perspective now – like when you’re a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercials kids with flies in their eyes, who don’t even have a sandwich – and you’re all, ‘Well, that sucks.”

— Christopher Moore

211. “We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions.”

— Christopher Moore

212. “Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet.”

— Christopher Moore

213. “The constable lit the bong and lost himself in the scuba bubbles of sweet comforting smoke.”

— Christopher Moore

214. “There’s no such thing as a conservative hero.’ He was wise, that old man.”

— Christopher Moore

215. “Mr. Asher, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” “No, ma’am, I’m going to have to insist that you pass away, this instant. You’re overdue.”

— Christopher Moore

216. “In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.”

— Christopher Moore

217. “Give in to your passions and they will lead you to the most preposterous conclusions – passions make a fool of reason.”

— Christopher Moore

218. “Maybe life is just easier if you’re a little goofy...”

— Christopher Moore

219. “True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there’s an argument to be made for that, as well.”

— Christopher Moore

220. “A wall is the defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them.”

— Christopher Moore

221. “When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument.”

— Christopher Moore

222. “This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I’m asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?”

— Christopher Moore

223. “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces.” “That won’t work, isn’t Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?” Charlie called. “That’s the Special Olympics,” Rivera said over his shoulder.”

— Christopher Moore

224. “One can’t be free without action.”

— Christopher Moore

225. “Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.”

— Christopher Moore

226. “Die, thou badger-shagging spunk monkey,” said I.”

— Christopher Moore

227. “Congratulations, you have been chosen to act as Death, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.”

— Christopher Moore

228. “The visual conjured in Val’s mind – all that parched, wrinkled flesh in furious friction – culminated in flames, as if some giant cosmic Boy Scout had decided to rub two old people together to make a fire.”

— Christopher Moore

229. “Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.”

— Christopher Moore

230. “Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.”

— Christopher Moore

231. “You’re going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can’t go home with, ‘Hi, I’m the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon.”

— Christopher Moore

232. “He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.”

— Christopher Moore

233. “That’s it, said Cavuto. You’re too much of a nerd to be gay. I’m contacting the committee. They’ll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade.”

— Christopher Moore

234. “Sometimes, methinks, a lass just needs to have a proper enraged scream.”

— Christopher Moore

235. “Inside, I was like: “Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!”

— Christopher Moore

236. “See form, see line, see light, see shadow. See relationships of lines. The model is a collection of these elements, not a body.”

— Christopher Moore

237. “How would I feel if I woke up and she told me that we had done it while I slept? I’d be fine with it. A little sad that I missed things, but I wouldn’t be mad. I’d just ask her if I had a good time. Women are different, though.”

— Christopher Moore

238. “Tucker Case did not play golf. He’d tried it once, and although he’d enjoyed the drinking and driving the little electric car into the lake, he just didn’t get the appeal. It seemed – and he’d examined the game closely because his father had loved it – an awful lot like a bunch of rich white guys in goofy clothing walking around on an absurdly large lawn hitting absurdly small white balls with crooked sticks.”

— Christopher Moore

239. “You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it.”

— Christopher Moore

240. “Of course they won’t bloody remember, they’ll be dead.′ Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to ‘poop on a stick,’ but sounded more succinct, like this: ‘Of course they won’t bloody remember, they’ll be dead, Poopstick.”

— Christopher Moore

241. “Tommy moved on. “Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It’s time to strike back. Look, you don’t have your MBA yet – they haven’t completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don’t you have a dream? Don’t you feel good, like you knew that you would, now?”

— Christopher Moore

242. “Just because he was pretty didn’t mean he couldn’t be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory.”

— Christopher Moore

243. “I don’t know,” Charlie said. “Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I’m say in’ dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?” He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin’.”

— Christopher Moore

244. “Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn’t it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer’s bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there’s no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?” “Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves.”

— Christopher Moore

245. “Go away. Your feet are misshapen and your eyebrows grow together in a threatening way.”

— Christopher Moore

246. “So, I guess we’re going to kill this guy, she thought. Then she said, “How does Thursday look for you?”

— Christopher Moore

247. “You do not cause death, you do not prevent death, you are a servant of Destiny, not its agent. Get over yourself.”

— Christopher Moore

248. “Don’t trust her,” shouted Helena, who was trying to stop Lysander from licking her shin. “She was a vixen when she went to school, and though she be but little, she is fierce.” “Little, is it?” said Hermia. “I will show you little, thou lumbering maypole. I shall decorate your inconstant lovers with your splattered brains.”

— Christopher Moore

249. “I’ll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”

— Christopher Moore

250. “What?” he said. “What? What? What?” “Master, you’re walking on the water,” said Peter. “I just ate,” Joshua said. “You can’t go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers?”

— Christopher Moore