Top 300 Christopher Moore Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “The City of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, emergency backup mistress of the Greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired love monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the general public. Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.”

— Christopher Moore

152. “Tuck watched the sun bubble into the ocean. Columns of vertical cumulus clouds turned to cones of pink cotton candy, then as the sun became a red wafer on the horizon, they turned candy-apple red, with purple rays reaching out of them like searchlights. The water was neon over wet asphalt, blood-spattered gunmetal – colors from the cover of a detective novel where heroes drink hard and beauty is always treacherous.”

— Christopher Moore

153. “Tits are flushing, ma’am,” said I. Well they were! If she was going to run around in the altogether, she needed to get control over her bubbly bits or she’d never master proper royal subterfuge and guile. “Bit of a tell, love, the pinkening of the knockers, on someone as fair as thou.”

— Christopher Moore

154. “He smiled to himself. Through many centuries and many incarnations, he had learned one universal truth: bitches love them some cushions.”

— Christopher Moore

155. “They don’t cover what to do with a dead hooker. That’s a whole different program. Political science, I think.”

— Christopher Moore

156. “No, you don’t understand, young man. You couldn’t understand. Emily was my life. I got up in the morning for her, I went to work for her, I built a business for her. I couldn’t wait to get home at night to tell her about my day. I went to bed with her and I dreamed about her when I slept. She was my passion, my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. And one day, without warning, she was gone and my life is a void. You couldn’t possibly understand.”

— Christopher Moore

157. “It’s French,” she said. “They designed it like a zoo – you know, keep ’em in, but give everyone a good look at ’em...”

— Christopher Moore

158. “Take a moment to catch your breath and revel in your rhetorical mastery and achievement.”

— Christopher Moore

159. “A thousand years of torture rule, The knave who dares to harm a fool.” I.”

— Christopher Moore

160. “The devil was smaller and rather younger than I would have guessed. He danced barefoot around the fire as he stoked it in preparation for my torment. The fiend wore a tunic of rough linen, leaves and sticks clinging to it, and a bycocket hat with a single feather in the style of bow hunters back home in Blighty. Bit of a ginger fringe. Scrawny and pathetic, really, for the prince of bloody darkness.”

— Christopher Moore

161. “God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.”

— Christopher Moore

162. “Love without desire, or conditions, or limits – a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once.”

— Christopher Moore

163. “Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”

— Christopher Moore

164. “Fine, as the tailor said to the broke and naked knight, suit yourself.”

— Christopher Moore

165. “You are a disappointment to disappointments.”

— Christopher Moore

166. “Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk.”

— Christopher Moore

167. “It was the kind of kiss that he wanted to wake up to and keep refreshing periodically until he got one long last one, salty with tears, in his casket.”

— Christopher Moore

168. “Getting a rise out of him was like trying to give a handjob to a parking meter: you were going to end up frustrated and exhausted long before a cop came along to haul you away.”

— Christopher Moore

169. “It’s very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.”

— Christopher Moore

170. “Jealousy makes you feel bad, but God is jealous, so it must be good. Yet when a dog licks its balls it seems to enjoy it, but it must be bad under the law.”

— Christopher Moore

171. “Theophilus Crowe’s mobile phone played eight bars of “Tangled Up in Blue” in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.”

— Christopher Moore

172. “Disorder in here harshing my mellow.”

— Christopher Moore

173. “Abby Von Normal – And I’m like, “Don’t change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you’re ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don’t know how much that is in kilos.”

— Christopher Moore

174. “Green eggs, or not green eggs? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to eat them in a box, with a fox –.”

— Christopher Moore

175. “My ma had a record of that Moron Tallywacker Choir singin’ Christmas music. Sounded like someone hurtin’ a dog. I broke it and melted it on the radiator.”

— Christopher Moore

176. “This is the Marina. This is where you go between the fraternity or sorority house and your first divorce. Look around, except for our waitress, who I guarantee doesn’t live in this neighborhood, it’s all people who are completely self-absorbed without a shred of self-awareness.” “Wow, that’s harsh,” Mike said. “You haven’t served them,” Lily said.”

— Christopher Moore

177. “She was an alien, really – a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine – and he didn’t understand anything about her species.”

— Christopher Moore

178. “Every guy can basically be boiled down to what he wants and what he’s afraid of.”

— Christopher Moore

179. “He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity.”

— Christopher Moore

180. “I am not the blues, I am jazz. I want to be present in the moment, not wallow in it.”

— Christopher Moore

181. “From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of “big eyes” binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete.”

— Christopher Moore

182. “She doesn’t understand that a writer is a special creature – that I’m different from everyone else. I’m not saying I’m superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.”

— Christopher Moore

183. “Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.”

— Christopher Moore

184. “As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.”

— Christopher Moore

185. “Anger is the spirits telling you that you are alive.”

— Christopher Moore

186. “Yeah, and don’t think it’s easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium.”

— Christopher Moore

187. “If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.”

— Christopher Moore

188. “And I’ll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer.”

— Christopher Moore

189. “I think I’m what they call a never-was.”

— Christopher Moore

190. “What the hell good was it to be the Lord of the Underworld if there was fuzz on your underdone toast.”

— Christopher Moore

191. “A little girl’s voice said, “I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!” Audrey held the phone out for Charlie. “It’s for you.”

— Christopher Moore

192. “I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.”

— Christopher Moore

193. “So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that?”

— Christopher Moore

194. “So Now You’re Death: Here’s What You’ll Need.”

— Christopher Moore

195. “He didn’t understand religion. It was like heroin or golf: He knew a lot of people did it, but he didn’t understand why.”

— Christopher Moore

196. “One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams.”

— Christopher Moore

197. “Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet.”

— Christopher Moore

198. “We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions.”

— Christopher Moore

199. “An adventure story is fear recalled in comfort.”

— Christopher Moore

200. “When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed’s presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance.”

— Christopher Moore