Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it’s been since I have been able to wear my “Go Iran” T-shirt?”

— Conan O'Brien

52. “Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.”

— Conan O'Brien

53. “An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, ‘What are we fighting for, man?’”

— Conan O'Brien

54. “A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous. My daughter isn’t marrying a lawyer.’”

— Conan O'Brien

55. “Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.”

— Conan O'Brien

56. “Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.”

— Conan O'Brien

57. “In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.”

— Conan O'Brien

58. “Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump’s Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.”

— Conan O'Brien

59. “The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.”

— Conan O'Brien

60. “Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington.”

— Conan O'Brien

61. “People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, ‘Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I’m a huge douche.’”

— Conan O'Brien

62. “Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles.”

— Conan O'Brien

63. “I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.”

— Conan O'Brien

64. “San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.”

— Conan O'Brien

65. “Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn’t like things that are filled with too much air.”

— Conan O'Brien

66. “The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out.”

— Conan O'Brien

67. “In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.”

— Conan O'Brien

68. “The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there’s one thing that family needs, it’s more gold.”

— Conan O'Brien

69. “Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.”

— Conan O'Brien

70. “The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It’s historic – the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.”

— Conan O'Brien

71. “In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.”

— Conan O'Brien

72. “Eventually, all our graves go unattended.”

— Conan O'Brien

73. “George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.”

— Conan O'Brien

74. “On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’”

— Conan O'Brien

75. “I’m a paranoid person. And I think – I’m the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like – that was a stretch even for me.”

— Conan O'Brien

76. “Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress.”

— Conan O'Brien

77. “This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.”

— Conan O'Brien

78. “Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn’t cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.”

— Conan O'Brien

79. “Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.”

— Conan O'Brien

80. “It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy.’”

— Conan O'Brien

81. “Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.”

— Conan O'Brien

82. “By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom.”

— Conan O'Brien

83. “My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.”

— Conan O'Brien

84. “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.”

— Conan O'Brien

85. “CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez.”

— Conan O'Brien

86. “For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.”

— Conan O'Brien

87. “I have an abacus at home.”

— Conan O'Brien

88. “According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found that most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.”

— Conan O'Brien

89. “This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don’t have the courage to show their faces.”

— Conan O'Brien

90. “Dropkick Murphys, everybody! That’s a band!”

— Conan O'Brien

91. “Tomorrow is Election Day. That’s the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn’t register to vote.”

— Conan O'Brien

92. “Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.”

— Conan O'Brien

93. “According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does.”

— Conan O'Brien

94. “Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they’ll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.”

— Conan O'Brien

95. “A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.”

— Conan O'Brien

96. “Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name ‘Microsoft Windows.’”

— Conan O'Brien

97. “North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to ‘Gangnam Style.’”

— Conan O'Brien

98. “For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.”

— Conan O'Brien

99. “No charm, no humor, no wit – and a personality which can only be described as ‘icky.’ .”

— Conan O'Brien

100. “Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”

— Conan O'Brien