Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

302. “California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.”

— Conan O'Brien

303. “Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.”

— Conan O'Brien

304. “Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.”

— Conan O'Brien

305. “President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

306. “All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.”

— Conan O'Brien

307. “Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.”

— Conan O'Brien

308. “Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’”

— Conan O'Brien

309. “Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

310. “Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans.”

— Conan O'Brien

311. “The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.”

— Conan O'Brien

312. “It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

313. “Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.”

— Conan O'Brien

314. “President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”

— Conan O'Brien

315. “I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.”

— Conan O'Brien

316. “Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.”

— Conan O'Brien

317. “In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.”

— Conan O'Brien

318. “Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

319. “Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.”

— Conan O'Brien

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320. “Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.”

— Conan O'Brien

321. “According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.”

— Conan O'Brien

322. “The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.”

— Conan O'Brien

323. “Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.”

— Conan O'Brien

324. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.”

— Conan O'Brien

325. “A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.”

— Conan O'Brien

326. “Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.’”

— Conan O'Brien

327. “Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”

— Conan O'Brien

328. “The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.”

— Conan O'Brien

329. “Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.”

— Conan O'Brien

330. “Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”

— Conan O'Brien

331. “Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

— Conan O'Brien

332. “Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration.”

— Conan O'Brien

333. “The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’”

— Conan O'Brien

334. “A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.”

— Conan O'Brien

335. “I’d kill for ‘somewhat frosty.’”

— Conan O'Brien

336. “Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.”

— Conan O'Brien

337. “People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.”

— Conan O'Brien

338. “Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there’s been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney.”

— Conan O'Brien

339. “Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.”

— Conan O'Brien

340. “Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

341. “Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men’s wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.”

— Conan O'Brien

342. “On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.”

— Conan O'Brien

343. “President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

— Conan O'Brien

344. “The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.”

— Conan O'Brien

345. “For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, ‘You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.’”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

346. “The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.”

— Conan O'Brien

347. “NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.”

— Conan O'Brien

348. “It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.”

— Conan O'Brien

349. “Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.”

— Conan O'Brien

350. “In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.”

— Conan O'Brien