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Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2025 Update)
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Conan O'Brien Quote: “During last night’s Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he’s running for president.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That’s what I did.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Earlier today, the White House released President Bush’s tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, ‘I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “I’d kill for ‘somewhat frosty.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “This morning President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place!”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, ‘Usually when I pay a person to like me, it’s my wife.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men’s wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The post office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semi-automatics to uzis...”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, ‘You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.’”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.”
Conan O'Brien Quote: “President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”
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