Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.”

— Conan O'Brien

302. “During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’”

— Conan O'Brien

303. “Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

304. “Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.”

— Conan O'Brien

305. “In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.”

— Conan O'Brien

306. “It’s been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.”

— Conan O'Brien

307. “Let’s just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a ‘cumberbatch.’”

— Conan O'Brien

308. “It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

309. “Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”

— Conan O'Brien

310. “A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.”

— Conan O'Brien

311. “Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”

— Conan O'Brien

312. “Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

— Conan O'Brien

313. “Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration.”

— Conan O'Brien

314. “Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.”

— Conan O'Brien

315. “The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.”

— Conan O'Brien

316. “This morning President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.”

— Conan O'Brien

317. “Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.”

— Conan O'Brien

318. “Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.”

— Conan O'Brien

319. “Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.”

— Conan O'Brien

320. “President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”

— Conan O'Brien

321. “Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.’”

— Conan O'Brien

322. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place!”

— Conan O'Brien

323. “A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.”

— Conan O'Brien

324. “Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.”

— Conan O'Brien

325. “I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.”

— Conan O'Brien

326. “In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.”

— Conan O'Brien

327. “Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”

— Conan O'Brien

328. “According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.”

— Conan O'Brien

329. “The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.”

— Conan O'Brien

330. “The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.”

— Conan O'Brien

331. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.”

— Conan O'Brien

332. “I’d kill for ‘somewhat frosty.’”

— Conan O'Brien

333. “Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.”

— Conan O'Brien

334. “In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.”

— Conan O'Brien

335. “The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’”

— Conan O'Brien

336. “In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.”

— Conan O'Brien

337. “Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

338. “People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.”

— Conan O'Brien

339. “NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.”

— Conan O'Brien

340. “It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.”

— Conan O'Brien

341. “The post office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semi-automatics to uzis...”

— Conan O'Brien

342. “In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.”

— Conan O'Brien

343. “People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.”

— Conan O'Brien

344. “The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.”

— Conan O'Brien

345. “For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, ‘You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.’”

— Conan O'Brien

346. “Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.”

— Conan O'Brien

347. “President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

— Conan O'Brien

348. “On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.”

— Conan O'Brien

349. “Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.”

— Conan O'Brien

350. “Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.”

— Conan O'Brien