Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.”

— Conan O'Brien

302. “A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.”

— Conan O'Brien

303. “Spread your hate. It’ll last a lifetime.”

— Conan O'Brien

304. “This morning President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.”

— Conan O'Brien

305. “The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.”

— Conan O'Brien

306. “Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.”

— Conan O'Brien

307. “Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

308. “It’s a mistake to read. Television is the only way.”

— Conan O'Brien

309. “A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.”

— Conan O'Brien

310. “The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment.’ Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.”

— Conan O'Brien

311. “President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.”

— Conan O'Brien

312. “North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.”

— Conan O'Brien

313. “Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

314. “The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.”

— Conan O'Brien

315. “Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”

— Conan O'Brien

316. “Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.”

— Conan O'Brien

317. “The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’”

— Conan O'Brien

318. “Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”

— Conan O'Brien

319. “Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

— Conan O'Brien

320. “Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration.”

— Conan O'Brien

321. “A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.”

— Conan O'Brien

322. “I’d kill for ‘somewhat frosty.’”

— Conan O'Brien

323. “President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”

— Conan O'Brien

324. “Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.”

— Conan O'Brien

325. “I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.”

— Conan O'Brien

326. “In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.”

— Conan O'Brien

327. “Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.”

— Conan O'Brien

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328. “Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.”

— Conan O'Brien

329. “According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.”

— Conan O'Brien

330. “The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.”

— Conan O'Brien

331. “Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.”

— Conan O'Brien

332. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.”

— Conan O'Brien

333. “A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.”

— Conan O'Brien

334. “Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.’”

— Conan O'Brien

335. “In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.”

— Conan O'Brien

336. “The post office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semi-automatics to uzis...”

— Conan O'Brien

337. “People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.”

— Conan O'Brien

338. “People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.”

— Conan O'Brien

339. “Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.”

— Conan O'Brien

340. “Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

341. “Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.”

— Conan O'Brien

342. “Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

343. “Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men’s wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.”

— Conan O'Brien

344. “On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.”

— Conan O'Brien

345. “President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

— Conan O'Brien

346. “For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, ‘You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.’”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

347. “The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.”

— Conan O'Brien

348. “The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.”

— Conan O'Brien

349. “It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.”

— Conan O'Brien

350. “NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.”

— Conan O'Brien