Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, ‘You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.’”

— Conan O'Brien

102. “Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.’”

— Conan O'Brien

103. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.”

— Conan O'Brien

104. “Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.”

— Conan O'Brien

105. “A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.”

— Conan O'Brien

106. “The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.”

— Conan O'Brien

107. “President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, ‘After those midterms, it’s nice to finally see a friendly face.’”

— Conan O'Brien

108. “Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.”

— Conan O'Brien

109. “Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama’s speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.”

— Conan O'Brien

110. “Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters – all of whom are late night comedians.”

— Conan O'Brien

111. “It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’”

— Conan O'Brien

112. “Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare.”

— Conan O'Brien

113. “Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.”

— Conan O'Brien

114. “Some McDonald’s restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine’s Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.”

— Conan O'Brien

115. “On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.”

— Conan O'Brien

116. “Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying ‘I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.’ Yeah, Martha then said ‘I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.’”

— Conan O'Brien

117. “Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years.”

— Conan O'Brien

118. “Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third.”

— Conan O'Brien

119. “President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.”

— Conan O'Brien

120. “In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.”

— Conan O'Brien

121. “At the State of the Union address last night, President Obama made history by using the words transgender, lesbian, and bisexual in that speech. It was the part of the speech where he was just reading Craigslist personals.”

— Conan O'Brien

122. “Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, ‘I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.’”

— Conan O'Brien

123. “Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said ‘I will not let you down.’ Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.”

— Conan O'Brien

124. “The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.”

— Conan O'Brien

125. “Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They’re drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That’s how excited they are.”

— Conan O'Brien

126. “Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know.”

— Conan O'Brien

127. “Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of ‘The Bachelor.’”

— Conan O'Brien

128. “This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.’”

— Conan O'Brien

129. “In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president’s exact quote was: ‘I ain’t make none mistakes ever.’”

— Conan O'Brien

130. “House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, ‘Now can I go to Elton John’s Oscar party?’”

— Conan O'Brien

131. “The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.”

— Conan O'Brien

132. “The Olive Garden is bringing back its ‘Pasta Pass,’ which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.”

— Conan O'Brien

133. “Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.”

— Conan O'Brien

134. “If Sony’s not going to show ‘The Interview,’ that’s it. No more North Korean movies for me.”

— Conan O'Brien

135. “Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.”

— Conan O'Brien

136. “This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that’s called in China, a job fair.”

— Conan O'Brien

137. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”

— Conan O'Brien

138. “Every comedian dreams of hosting ‘The Tonight Show’ and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.”

— Conan O'Brien

139. “Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.”

— Conan O'Brien

140. “Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it’s 22 years later, and they still haven’t lost their virginity.”

— Conan O'Brien

141. “President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as ‘Person of the Year’ by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine.”

— Conan O'Brien

142. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”

— Conan O'Brien

143. “Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week.”

— Conan O'Brien

144. “Being a Dad is the greatest, except for assembling things.”

— Conan O'Brien

145. “MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.”

— Conan O'Brien

146. “Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?”

— Conan O'Brien

147. “Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.”

— Conan O'Brien

148. “California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.”

— Conan O'Brien

149. “Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.”

— Conan O'Brien

150. “President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates.”

— Conan O'Brien