Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.”

— Conan O'Brien

2. “Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

— Conan O'Brien

3. “Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you.”

— Conan O'Brien

4. “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

— Conan O'Brien

5. “Don’t be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.”

— Conan O'Brien

6. “When all else fails there’s always delusion.”

— Conan O'Brien

7. “Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.”

— Conan O'Brien

8. “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.”

— Conan O'Brien

9. “The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”

— Conan O'Brien

10. “I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world.”

— Conan O'Brien

11. “Over-thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet.”

— Conan O'Brien

12. “Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it.”

— Conan O'Brien

13. “Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.”

— Conan O'Brien

14. “If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk.”

— Conan O'Brien

15. “Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.”

— Conan O'Brien

16. “There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.”

— Conan O'Brien

17. “I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.”

— Conan O'Brien

18. “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”

— Conan O'Brien

19. “Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, ‘Just keeping my options open. It’s a dicey job market. You never know.’”

— Conan O'Brien

20. “I hate cynicism – it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.”

— Conan O'Brien

21. “There’s no cure for getting depressed. There’s no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.”

— Conan O'Brien

22. “If you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

— Conan O'Brien

23. “Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.”

— Conan O'Brien

24. “Applaud my idiocy.”

— Conan O'Brien

25. “The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.”

— Conan O'Brien

26. “Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”

— Conan O'Brien

27. “Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don’t worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

28. “The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

29. “Fish recognize a bad leader.”

— Conan O'Brien

30. “Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.”

— Conan O'Brien

31. “Don’t thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn’t be in show business. Don’t say, ‘Wow, this is heavy.’ Of course it’s heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people.”

— Conan O'Brien

32. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”

— Conan O'Brien

33. “They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick’s Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.”

— Conan O'Brien

34. “Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.”

— Conan O'Brien

35. “I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site – YouTwitFace.”

— Conan O'Brien

36. “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.”

— Conan O'Brien

37. “North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country’s military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

38. “At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the first lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

39. “Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.”

— Conan O'Brien

40. “Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn’t chop down trees to make a book that no one will read.”

— Conan O'Brien

41. “Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.”

— Conan O'Brien

42. “One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.”

— Conan O'Brien

43. “North Korea is creating its own time zone. It’s going to push the country’s time back a half hour. So it’s not bad enough that they don’t have food and they’re ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune.’”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

44. “It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.”

— Conan O'Brien

45. “A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.”

— Conan O'Brien

46. “Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.”

— Conan O'Brien

47. “Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.”

— Conan O'Brien

48. “Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.”

— Conan O'Brien

49. “Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it’s a drunk Secret Service agent.”

— Conan O'Brien

50. “Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it’s been since I have been able to wear my “Go Iran” T-shirt?”

— Conan O'Brien