Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he’ll call them criminal Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

202. “First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.”

— Conan O'Brien

203. “Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.’”

— Conan O'Brien

204. “It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.”

— Conan O'Brien

205. “Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.”

— Conan O'Brien

206. “Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.”

— Conan O'Brien

207. “At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’”

— Conan O'Brien

208. “Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

— Conan O'Brien

209. “NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.”

— Conan O'Brien

210. “A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It’s not helping that he apologized to Hitler.”

— Conan O'Brien

211. “Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.’”

— Conan O'Brien

212. “I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.”

— Conan O'Brien

213. “Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.’”

— Conan O'Brien

214. “According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.”

— Conan O'Brien

215. “Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, ‘When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.’”

— Conan O'Brien

216. “Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it’s known in Utah, Monday.”

— Conan O'Brien

217. “A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it’s gotten so bad he can’t afford to buy his wife her own car that she’s not allowed to drive.”

— Conan O'Brien

218. “Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.”

— Conan O'Brien

219. “Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.”

— Conan O'Brien

220. “Once you discover white paint, you’ll never wash your underwear again.”

— Conan O'Brien

221. “It’s now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald’s. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.”

— Conan O'Brien

222. “President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.”

— Conan O'Brien

223. “The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.”

— Conan O'Brien

224. “In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat?’ THE OCEAN.”

— Conan O'Brien

225. “In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?”

— Conan O'Brien

226. “I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, ‘You should be getting to bed now.’”

— Conan O'Brien

227. “McDonald’s released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken. They’re made out of people who ask too many questions.”

— Conan O'Brien

228. “President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.’”

— Conan O'Brien

229. “The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.”

— Conan O'Brien

230. “It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.”

— Conan O'Brien

231. “According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.”

— Conan O'Brien

232. “According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a ‘jackass.’ Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.”

— Conan O'Brien

233. “Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, “Back-to-back number ones!””

— Conan O'Brien

234. “A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.”

— Conan O'Brien

235. “In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called ‘GI Joe Millionaire.’”

— Conan O'Brien

236. “According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.”

— Conan O'Brien

237. “In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.”

— Conan O'Brien

238. “Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.”

— Conan O'Brien

239. “California’s 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline ‘74-Year-Old Boxer,’ I assumed they were making another ‘Rocky’ movie.”

— Conan O'Brien

240. “The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”

— Conan O'Brien

241. “Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.’”

— Conan O'Brien

242. “Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is ‘a totally unqualified nuisance.’ In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.”

— Conan O'Brien

243. “After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are – and I will eliminate them.’”

— Conan O'Brien

244. “The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday’s midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don’t ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show’s band.”

— Conan O'Brien

245. “Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.”

— Conan O'Brien

246. “Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.”

— Conan O'Brien

247. “Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

248. “Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.”

— Conan O'Brien

249. “Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

— Conan O'Brien

250. “Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.”

— Conan O'Brien