Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’”

— Conan O'Brien

202. “Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.”

— Conan O'Brien

203. “President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.”

— Conan O'Brien

204. “The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’”

— Conan O'Brien

205. “The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we’re giving the Iranians Netflix.”

— Conan O'Brien

206. “McDonald’s released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken. They’re made out of people who ask too many questions.”

— Conan O'Brien

207. “It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.”

— Conan O'Brien

208. “Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.”

— Conan O'Brien

209. “Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.”

— Conan O'Brien

210. “Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he’ll call them criminal Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

211. “Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

— Conan O'Brien

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212. “North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.’”

— Conan O'Brien

213. “Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.’”

— Conan O'Brien

214. “In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat?’ THE OCEAN.”

— Conan O'Brien

215. “President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?’”

— Conan O'Brien

216. “First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.”

— Conan O'Brien

217. “The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.”

— Conan O'Brien

218. “According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.”

— Conan O'Brien

219. “A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it’s gotten so bad he can’t afford to buy his wife her own car that she’s not allowed to drive.”

— Conan O'Brien

220. “In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?”

— Conan O'Brien

221. “According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a ‘jackass.’ Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.”

— Conan O'Brien

222. “Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, “Back-to-back number ones!””

— Conan O'Brien

223. “President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.’”

— Conan O'Brien

224. “The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.”

— Conan O'Brien

225. “I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.”

— Conan O'Brien

226. “NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.”

— Conan O'Brien

227. “Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.”

— Conan O'Brien

228. “Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.”

— Conan O'Brien

229. “Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, ‘When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.’”

— Conan O'Brien

230. “Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it’s known in Utah, Monday.”

— Conan O'Brien

231. “The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”

— Conan O'Brien

232. “A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It’s not helping that he apologized to Hitler.”

— Conan O'Brien

233. “I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, ‘You should be getting to bed now.’”

— Conan O'Brien

234. “Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is ‘a totally unqualified nuisance.’ In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.”

— Conan O'Brien

235. “After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are – and I will eliminate them.’”

— Conan O'Brien

236. “According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.”

— Conan O'Brien

237. “President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.”

— Conan O'Brien

238. “Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.’”

— Conan O'Brien

239. “Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.”

— Conan O'Brien

240. “Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.”

— Conan O'Brien

241. “Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.”

— Conan O'Brien

242. “Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here’s the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

243. “During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam.”

— Conan O'Brien

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244. “President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.”

— Conan O'Brien

245. “Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.”

— Conan O'Brien

246. “A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.”

— Conan O'Brien

247. “During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’”

— Conan O'Brien

248. “A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’”

— Conan O'Brien

249. “Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word ‘president.’ Political experts say it’s all part of Hunter’s plan to attract Bush supporters.”

— Conan O'Brien

250. “Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.”

— Conan O'Brien