Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2025 Update)
Page 5 of 8

201. “In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat?’ THE OCEAN.”

— Conan O'Brien

202. “It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.”

— Conan O'Brien

203. “Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

— Conan O'Brien

204. “Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.”

— Conan O'Brien

205. “President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.”

— Conan O'Brien

206. “Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.’”

— Conan O'Brien

207. “President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?’”

— Conan O'Brien

208. “Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.”

— Conan O'Brien

209. “Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, ‘What? I’m looking at the baby.’”

— Conan O'Brien

210. “North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.’”

— Conan O'Brien

211. “Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.”

— Conan O'Brien

212. “Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.”

— Conan O'Brien

213. “The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we’re giving the Iranians Netflix.”

— Conan O'Brien

214. “Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he’ll call them criminal Americans.”

— Conan O'Brien

215. “First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.”

— Conan O'Brien

216. “President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.”

— Conan O'Brien

217. “The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.”

— Conan O'Brien

218. “In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?”

— Conan O'Brien

219. “I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, ‘You should be getting to bed now.’”

— Conan O'Brien

220. “McDonald’s released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken. They’re made out of people who ask too many questions.”

— Conan O'Brien

221. “President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.’”

— Conan O'Brien

222. “The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.”

— Conan O'Brien

223. “According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.”

— Conan O'Brien

224. “According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a ‘jackass.’ Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.”

— Conan O'Brien

225. “Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, “Back-to-back number ones!””

— Conan O'Brien

226. “NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.”

— Conan O'Brien

227. “A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It’s not helping that he apologized to Hitler.”

— Conan O'Brien

228. “I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.”

— Conan O'Brien

229. “Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.’”

— Conan O'Brien

230. “The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”

— Conan O'Brien

231. “According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.”

— Conan O'Brien

232. “Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, ‘When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.’”

— Conan O'Brien

233. “Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it’s known in Utah, Monday.”

— Conan O'Brien

234. “A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it’s gotten so bad he can’t afford to buy his wife her own car that she’s not allowed to drive.”

— Conan O'Brien

235. “Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.”

— Conan O'Brien

236. “Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.”

— Conan O'Brien

237. “A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’”

— Conan O'Brien

238. “A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.”

— Conan O'Brien

239. “Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word ‘president.’ Political experts say it’s all part of Hunter’s plan to attract Bush supporters.”

— Conan O'Brien

240. “Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private.”

— Conan O'Brien

241. “During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’”

— Conan O'Brien

242. “Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.”

— Conan O'Brien

243. “Link Wray is the all-time legend.”

— Conan O'Brien

244. “Let’s just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a ‘cumberbatch.’”

— Conan O'Brien

245. “Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.”

— Conan O'Brien

246. “Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen.’ One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.”

— Conan O'Brien

247. “President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.”

— Conan O'Brien

248. “Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here’s the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

249. “During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam.”

— Conan O'Brien

250. “I’ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.”

— Conan O'Brien