Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.”

— Conan O'Brien

352. “Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.”

— Conan O'Brien

353. “Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.”

— Conan O'Brien

354. “The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.”

— Conan O'Brien

355. “Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy’s to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump’s hair nearly killed two people.”

— Conan O'Brien

356. “Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.”

— Conan O'Brien

357. “Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush’s nickname for Kerry is math.”

— Conan O'Brien

358. “After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet.”

— Conan O'Brien

359. “Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVPshouted, ‘No way am I going to Disneyland!’”

— Conan O'Brien

360. “Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.’”

— Conan O'Brien

361. “Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.”

— Conan O'Brien

362. “The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie.”

— Conan O'Brien

363. “Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He’s tired of all this.”

— Conan O'Brien

364. “A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, ‘Hey, both of those games went into overtime.’”

— Conan O'Brien

365. “Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there’s a huge sale at K-Mart.”

— Conan O'Brien

366. “One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she’d like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she’d like to recall where she left her teeth.”

— Conan O'Brien

367. “President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.”

— Conan O'Brien

368. “In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.’”

— Conan O'Brien

369. “Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, ‘I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.’”

— Conan O'Brien

370. “According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers.”

— Conan O'Brien

371. “Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.”

— Conan O'Brien

372. “This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T-shirts.”

— Conan O'Brien

373. “Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there’s been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney.”

— Conan O'Brien

374. “On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.”

— Conan O'Brien

375. “A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.”

— Conan O'Brien

376. “Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that’s not going to happen.”

— Conan O'Brien

377. “This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it’s going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama’s not black enough!”

— Conan O'Brien

378. “A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote.”

— Conan O'Brien

379. “Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.”

— Conan O'Brien

380. “Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.”

— Conan O'Brien

381. “Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it.”

— Conan O'Brien

382. “Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn’t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he’s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.”

— Conan O'Brien

383. “This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.”

— Conan O'Brien

384. “Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.”

— Conan O'Brien

385. “A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they’re not hiring liberal arts majors.”

— Conan O'Brien

386. “Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’”

— Conan O'Brien