Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.”

— Conan O'Brien

152. “California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.”

— Conan O'Brien

153. “NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it ‘The Road To Extradition.’”

— Conan O'Brien

154. “California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.”

— Conan O'Brien

155. “It’s now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald’s. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.”

— Conan O'Brien

156. “Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said ‘Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.’”

— Conan O'Brien

157. “Time magazine announced its person of the year. It’s health workers who treat Ebola. That’s a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, ‘No need to pick up your award, we’ll mail it to you.’”

— Conan O'Brien

158. “The other day John McCain appeared on the show ‘The View,’ and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, ‘Ladies, you look beautiful.’”

— Conan O'Brien

159. “The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.”

— Conan O'Brien

160. “Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.”

— Conan O'Brien

161. “Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.”

— Conan O'Brien

162. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

163. “The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”

— Conan O'Brien

164. “Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.”

— Conan O'Brien

165. “In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.”

— Conan O'Brien

166. “According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.”

— Conan O'Brien

167. “NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.”

— Conan O'Brien

168. “In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.”

— Conan O'Brien

169. “Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, ‘George W. Bush think tank’ with a straight face.”

— Conan O'Brien

170. “The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s word ‘refudiate’ to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to ‘dismangle’ the English language.”

— Conan O'Brien

171. “Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘Hey, so was I!’”

— Conan O'Brien

172. “An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming.”

— Conan O'Brien

173. “When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It’s really something to see.”

— Conan O'Brien

174. “So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.”

— Conan O'Brien

175. “Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.’”

— Conan O'Brien

176. “President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, ‘I miss being anonymous.’ He said, ‘In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.’”

— Conan O'Brien

177. “If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, ‘That guy is worthless! He’s sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.’ It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

178. “Once you discover white paint, you’ll never wash your underwear again.”

— Conan O'Brien

179. “The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, ‘The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.’ Then he said, ‘And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.’”

— Conan O'Brien

180. “Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career.”

— Conan O'Brien

181. “Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.”

— Conan O'Brien

182. “Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.”

— Conan O'Brien

183. “Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.”

— Conan O'Brien

184. “People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They’re saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.”

— Conan O'Brien

185. “There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.”

— Conan O'Brien

186. “CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, ‘It’s not so bad.’”

— Conan O'Brien

187. “Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the ‘tush push.’”

— Conan O'Brien

188. “Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.”

— Conan O'Brien

189. “This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison.”

— Conan O'Brien

190. “Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.”

— Conan O'Brien

191. “Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID surprise his wife for Valentines Day.”

— Conan O'Brien

192. “People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.”

— Conan O'Brien

193. “Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair.”

— Conan O'Brien

194. “The top two movies at the box office this weekend were ‘High School Musical 3’ and ‘Saw V.’ One movie features gruesome onscreen torture that is difficult to watch and the other is about a guy with a saw.”

— Conan O'Brien

195. “Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.’”

— Conan O'Brien

196. “The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’”

— Conan O'Brien

197. “It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.”

— Conan O'Brien

198. “Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.”

— Conan O'Brien

199. “Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.”

— Conan O'Brien

200. “At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’”

— Conan O'Brien