Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Time magazine announced its person of the year. It’s health workers who treat Ebola. That’s a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, ‘No need to pick up your award, we’ll mail it to you.’”

— Conan O'Brien

152. “The other day John McCain appeared on the show ‘The View,’ and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, ‘Ladies, you look beautiful.’”

— Conan O'Brien

153. “The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.”

— Conan O'Brien

154. “Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.”

— Conan O'Brien

155. “Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.”

— Conan O'Brien

156. “John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.”

— Conan O'Brien

157. “California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.”

— Conan O'Brien

158. “I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as ‘Slutty Madeleine Albright.’”

— Conan O'Brien

159. “NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it ‘The Road To Extradition.’”

— Conan O'Brien

160. “California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.”

— Conan O'Brien

161. “Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.”

— Conan O'Brien

162. “In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.”

— Conan O'Brien

163. “In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.”

— Conan O'Brien

164. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

165. “Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, ‘George W. Bush think tank’ with a straight face.”

— Conan O'Brien

166. “The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s word ‘refudiate’ to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to ‘dismangle’ the English language.”

— Conan O'Brien

167. “Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘Hey, so was I!’”

— Conan O'Brien

168. “According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.”

— Conan O'Brien

169. “An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming.”

— Conan O'Brien

170. “When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It’s really something to see.”

— Conan O'Brien

171. “NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.”

— Conan O'Brien

172. “President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, ‘I miss being anonymous.’ He said, ‘In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.’”

— Conan O'Brien

173. “If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, ‘That guy is worthless! He’s sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.’ It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

174. “Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.”

— Conan O'Brien

175. “Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.”

— Conan O'Brien

176. “People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They’re saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.”

— Conan O'Brien

177. “There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.”

— Conan O'Brien

178. “CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, ‘It’s not so bad.’”

— Conan O'Brien

179. “Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the ‘tush push.’”

— Conan O'Brien

180. “So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.”

— Conan O'Brien

181. “Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.”

— Conan O'Brien

182. “This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison.”

— Conan O'Brien

183. “Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.’”

— Conan O'Brien

184. “Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID surprise his wife for Valentines Day.”

— Conan O'Brien

185. “People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.”

— Conan O'Brien

186. “Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair.”

— Conan O'Brien

187. “The top two movies at the box office this weekend were ‘High School Musical 3’ and ‘Saw V.’ One movie features gruesome onscreen torture that is difficult to watch and the other is about a guy with a saw.”

— Conan O'Brien

188. “The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”

— Conan O'Brien

189. “The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, ‘The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.’ Then he said, ‘And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.’”

— Conan O'Brien

190. “Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career.”

— Conan O'Brien

191. “Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”

— Conan O'Brien

192. “Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.”

— Conan O'Brien

193. “President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.”

— Conan O'Brien

194. “President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?’”

— Conan O'Brien

195. “Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.”

— Conan O'Brien

196. “Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.”

— Conan O'Brien

197. “Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, ‘What? I’m looking at the baby.’”

— Conan O'Brien

198. “North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.’”

— Conan O'Brien

199. “Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.”

— Conan O'Brien

200. “Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.”

— Conan O'Brien