Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.”

— Conan O'Brien

252. “Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.”

— Conan O'Brien

253. “Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

254. “Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.”

— Conan O'Brien

255. “Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

— Conan O'Brien

256. “Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.”

— Conan O'Brien

257. “A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’”

— Conan O'Brien

258. “A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.”

— Conan O'Brien

259. “Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word ‘president.’ Political experts say it’s all part of Hunter’s plan to attract Bush supporters.”

— Conan O'Brien

260. “Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private.”

— Conan O'Brien

261. “The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’”

— Conan O'Brien

262. “Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.”

— Conan O'Brien

263. “Link Wray is the all-time legend.”

— Conan O'Brien

264. “Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.”

— Conan O'Brien

265. “Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen.’ One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.”

— Conan O'Brien

266. “President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.”

— Conan O'Brien

267. “Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.”

— Conan O'Brien

268. “Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Conan O'Brien

269. “The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment.’ Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.”

— Conan O'Brien

270. “Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’”

— Conan O'Brien

271. “Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

272. “Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.”

— Conan O'Brien

273. “Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.”

— Conan O'Brien

274. “President Obama announced that he’s going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.”

— Conan O'Brien

275. “Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.”

— Conan O'Brien

276. “President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

277. “All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.”

— Conan O'Brien

278. “Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.”

— Conan O'Brien

279. “California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.”

— Conan O'Brien

280. “Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.”

— Conan O'Brien

281. “Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.”

— Conan O'Brien

282. “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.”

— Conan O'Brien

283. “President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.”

— Conan O'Brien

284. “North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.”

— Conan O'Brien

285. “Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’”

— Conan O'Brien

286. “Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans.”

— Conan O'Brien

287. “The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.”

— Conan O'Brien

288. “It’s a mistake to read. Television is the only way.”

— Conan O'Brien

289. “During last night’s Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he’s running for president.”

— Conan O'Brien

290. “A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.”

— Conan O'Brien

291. “Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.”

— Conan O'Brien

292. “Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”

— Conan O'Brien

293. “The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That’s what I did.”

— Conan O'Brien

294. “Earlier today, the White House released President Bush’s tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.”

— Conan O'Brien

295. “President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, ‘I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.’”

— Conan O'Brien

296. “Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.”

— Conan O'Brien

297. “Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.”

— Conan O'Brien

298. “Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he’s getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: ‘Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.’”

— Conan O'Brien

299. “Spread your hate. It’ll last a lifetime.”

— Conan O'Brien

300. “Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr.”

— Conan O'Brien