Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 6 of 8

251. “Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.”

— Conan O'Brien

252. “The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday’s midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don’t ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show’s band.”

— Conan O'Brien

253. “In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called ‘GI Joe Millionaire.’”

— Conan O'Brien

254. “According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.”

— Conan O'Brien

255. “Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.”

— Conan O'Brien

256. “Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.”

— Conan O'Brien

257. “Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

258. “Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen.’ One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.”

— Conan O'Brien

259. “Let’s just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a ‘cumberbatch.’”

— Conan O'Brien

260. “Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.”

— Conan O'Brien

261. “A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.”

— Conan O'Brien

262. “Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private.”

— Conan O'Brien

263. “In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said ‘Hey, she stole my speech.’”

— Conan O'Brien

264. “I’ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.”

— Conan O'Brien

265. “Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.’”

— Conan O'Brien

266. “California’s 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline ‘74-Year-Old Boxer,’ I assumed they were making another ‘Rocky’ movie.”

— Conan O'Brien

267. “In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.”

— Conan O'Brien

268. “Link Wray is the all-time legend.”

— Conan O'Brien

269. “Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Country Quotes

270. “Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”

— Conan O'Brien

271. “Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’”

— Conan O'Brien

272. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place!”

— Conan O'Brien

273. “Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”

— Conan O'Brien

274. “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.”

— Conan O'Brien

275. “A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.”

— Conan O'Brien

276. “Spread your hate. It’ll last a lifetime.”

— Conan O'Brien

277. “This morning President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.”

— Conan O'Brien

278. “The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.”

— Conan O'Brien

279. “Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.”

— Conan O'Brien

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

280. “Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.”

— Conan O'Brien

281. “It’s a mistake to read. Television is the only way.”

— Conan O'Brien

282. “A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.”

— Conan O'Brien

283. “The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment.’ Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.”

— Conan O'Brien

284. “President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.”

— Conan O'Brien

285. “North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.”

— Conan O'Brien

286. “Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

287. “California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.”

— Conan O'Brien

288. “Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.”

— Conan O'Brien

289. “Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.”

— Conan O'Brien

290. “President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

291. “All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.”

— Conan O'Brien

292. “Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.”

— Conan O'Brien

293. “Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’”

— Conan O'Brien

294. “Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

295. “The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.”

— Conan O'Brien

296. “Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans.”

— Conan O'Brien

297. “It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

298. “Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.”

— Conan O'Brien

299. “Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he’s getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: ‘Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.’”

— Conan O'Brien

300. “Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr.”

— Conan O'Brien