Top 380 Conan O'Brien Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.”

— Conan O'Brien

252. “In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said ‘Hey, she stole my speech.’”

— Conan O'Brien

253. “Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.”

— Conan O'Brien

254. “A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.”

— Conan O'Brien

255. “In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called ‘GI Joe Millionaire.’”

— Conan O'Brien

256. “According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.”

— Conan O'Brien

257. “In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.”

— Conan O'Brien

258. “Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.”

— Conan O'Brien

259. “California’s 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline ‘74-Year-Old Boxer,’ I assumed they were making another ‘Rocky’ movie.”

— Conan O'Brien

260. “Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.’”

— Conan O'Brien

261. “Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is ‘a totally unqualified nuisance.’ In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.”

— Conan O'Brien

262. “After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are – and I will eliminate them.’”

— Conan O'Brien

263. “The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday’s midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don’t ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show’s band.”

— Conan O'Brien

264. “Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.”

— Conan O'Brien

265. “Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.”

— Conan O'Brien

266. “Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.”

— Conan O'Brien

267. “Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.”

— Conan O'Brien

268. “Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

— Conan O'Brien

269. “Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.”

— Conan O'Brien

270. “Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he’s getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: ‘Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.’”

— Conan O'Brien

271. “Spread your hate. It’ll last a lifetime.”

— Conan O'Brien

272. “Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr.”

— Conan O'Brien

273. “A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.”

— Conan O'Brien

274. “Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools.’ It wasn’t his best joke.”

— Conan O'Brien

275. “Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.”

— Conan O'Brien

276. “In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.”

— Conan O'Brien

277. “It’s been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.”

— Conan O'Brien

278. “It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

— Conan O'Brien

279. “Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”

— Conan O'Brien

280. “Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.”

— Conan O'Brien

281. “Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

— Conan O'Brien

282. “The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment.’ Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.”

— Conan O'Brien

283. “Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’”

— Conan O'Brien

284. “Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

285. “Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.”

— Conan O'Brien

286. “Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.”

— Conan O'Brien

287. “President Obama announced that he’s going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.”

— Conan O'Brien

288. “President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.”

— Conan O'Brien

289. “All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.”

— Conan O'Brien

290. “Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.”

— Conan O'Brien

291. “California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.”

— Conan O'Brien

292. “Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.”

— Conan O'Brien

293. “Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.”

— Conan O'Brien

294. “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.”

— Conan O'Brien

295. “President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.”

— Conan O'Brien

296. “North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.”

— Conan O'Brien

297. “Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’”

— Conan O'Brien

298. “Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans.”

— Conan O'Brien

299. “The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.”

— Conan O'Brien

300. “It’s a mistake to read. Television is the only way.”

— Conan O'Brien