Top 280 Eoin Colfer Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “I’m not threatening you. I’m just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.”

— Eoin Colfer

52. “Hey, if you can’t remember, don’t worry about it. I’m having a few memory problems myself in this place. Little things like how long I’ve been here, what my purpose in life is, which feet to put my shoes on. Stuff like that.”

— Eoin Colfer

53. “I don’t like lollipops.”

— Eoin Colfer

54. “Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here?”

— Eoin Colfer

55. “And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn’t get along with anyone, even themselves.”

— Eoin Colfer

56. “Artemis simple-toon.”

— Eoin Colfer

57. “It was a smart move.”

— Eoin Colfer

58. “Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks.”

— Eoin Colfer

59. “Connor Broekhart was born to fly, or more accurately he was born flying.”

— Eoin Colfer

60. “What many people don’t know about ‘Peter Pan’ is that it’s a very violent book and Hook is one of the most finely observed villains ever.”

— Eoin Colfer

61. “Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?”

— Eoin Colfer

62. “Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”

— Eoin Colfer

63. “Trust me. I haven’t been wrong yet.”

— Eoin Colfer

64. “If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.”

— Eoin Colfer

65. “Butler struggled from a tiny fairy chair. “Right, enough talk. I think it’s time Mister Vassikin was introduced to my friend, Mister Fist.”

— Eoin Colfer

66. “My bugs don’t have bugs.”

— Eoin Colfer

67. “Sometimes plans don’t translate smoothly from paper to real life.”

— Eoin Colfer

68. “No matter what dimension you’re in, there’s a big-headed male trying to take over the world.”

— Eoin Colfer

69. “The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present.”

— Eoin Colfer

70. “A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. – Angeline Fowl.”

— Eoin Colfer

71. “Artemis: I am not buoyed by that. Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized. Mulch: I’m pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I’m not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.”

— Eoin Colfer

72. “In comic books, people with gifts became superheroes; in real life they became outcasts.”

— Eoin Colfer

73. “Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.”

— Eoin Colfer

74. “You know you’re in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.”

— Eoin Colfer

75. “It was impressive, but, pretty much like the man with the exploding head, it was a one-time trick. When.”

— Eoin Colfer

76. “Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.”

— Eoin Colfer

77. “Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers’ high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn’t stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery.”

— Eoin Colfer

78. “Some people just needed to be stolen from.”

— Eoin Colfer

79. “And humans will accept any story, however outlandish, when there’s something in it for them. Preferably something green that folds.”

— Eoin Colfer

80. “Hey, look your girlfriend is saying something. Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?”

— Eoin Colfer

81. “If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma.”

— Eoin Colfer

82. “Red climbed like a monkey, I to climbed like a monkey. A very old one. With one leg. And six fingers.”

— Eoin Colfer

83. “Scientists are the enemies of tradition, and tradition own all the prisons. – Victor Vigny.”

— Eoin Colfer

84. “The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.”

— Eoin Colfer

85. “I know what the Book says,” snapped Root. “I just wish you weren’t so gung ho about it. If I didn’t know you better, I’d say there was some human blood in you.” “There’s no call for that,” pouted Cudgeon. “I’m only doing my job.” “Point taken,” conceded the commander. “I’m sorry.” You didn’t often hear Root apologizing, but then it had been a deeply offensive insult.”

— Eoin Colfer

86. “A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder.”

— Eoin Colfer

87. “Sometimes being a genius was a burden.”

— Eoin Colfer

88. “In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter – they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.”

— Eoin Colfer

89. “It can play solitaire and minesweeper,” replied Artemis innocently.”

— Eoin Colfer

90. “Fowl and fairy, friends forever.”

— Eoin Colfer

91. “Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored.”

— Eoin Colfer

92. “Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.”

— Eoin Colfer

93. “One: listen to your commander – he is always right. Two: ignore all hunches, unless suggested by your commander, who is always right. Three: if in doubt, call your commander. The one who is always right.”

— Eoin Colfer

94. “It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon. Opal tapped this into her notepad. Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?”

— Eoin Colfer

95. “I’m LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.”

— Eoin Colfer

96. “It would take less than a second for you to die. But that’s quite long enough to be in mortal agony, don’t you think?”

— Eoin Colfer

97. “Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.”

— Eoin Colfer

98. “People are afraid of you, Arty. Girls are terrified of you. You’re a fifteen-year-old in a bespoke suit, and nobody died.”

— Eoin Colfer

99. “No, I don’t think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B’wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.”

— Eoin Colfer

100. “No one’s ever really ready for a troll.”

— Eoin Colfer