Top 280 Eoin Colfer Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “No, I don’t think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B’wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.”

— Eoin Colfer

102. “Artemis turned and stared at his friend with the blue eyes. Holly was staring back, and she was smiling. “I remember,” she said aloud. “You saved me.” Artemis smiled back. “It never happened,” he said.”

— Eoin Colfer

103. “Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: “But I don’t want to go among mad people,” said Alice. “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the cat. “We’re all mad here.”

— Eoin Colfer

104. “Certainly, Doctor. Let’s talk about your chair. Victorian?”

— Eoin Colfer

105. “The lucky ones hit partitions and went straight through. The unlucky ones collided with solid cinderblock walls. Things broke. Not the cinderblocks.”

— Eoin Colfer

106. “Man is the biggest threat to Earth. We gut the planet of its fossil fuels then turn those same fuels against the planet through global warming... The world’s glaciers are losing as much as six feet of ice cover per annum, that’s half a million square miles in the Arctic Ocean alone in the past thirty years.”

— Eoin Colfer

107. “The craft’s occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn’t. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf’s word for what lay at the other end.”

— Eoin Colfer

108. “No self-respecting criminal mastermind would be caught dead even using the word lollipops. He really would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such as this. It.”

— Eoin Colfer

109. “Lollipop!”

— Eoin Colfer

110. “You wouldn’t know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read ‘I’m a clue.”

— Eoin Colfer

111. “My truffles? You took them? That’s just mean!”

— Eoin Colfer

112. “The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you’re not going to stop just because one series is over; you’re going to go and find something else.”

— Eoin Colfer

113. “No one’s ever really ready for a troll.”

— Eoin Colfer

114. “There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B’wa Kell.”

— Eoin Colfer

115. “She cast her eyes toward the heavens. “Help,” she cried. And it began to rain diamonds.”

— Eoin Colfer

116. “Mona began firing with deadly accuracy, also with a stream of Spanish words that Cosmo suspected were not taught in kindergarten.”

— Eoin Colfer

117. “Scopes were sending high-res shots.”

— Eoin Colfer

118. “Really, I’m trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she’s singing, but it doesn’t appear to be over.”

— Eoin Colfer

119. “The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.”

— Eoin Colfer

120. “That’s not how it works, Foaly. Consultants don’t give orders to captains.” “We have a Koboi sighting coming through on a satellite. It’s a live feed,” countered the technical consultant. “We’re on our way,” said Holly, severing the connection.”

— Eoin Colfer

121. “Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet.”

— Eoin Colfer

122. “The two of them went down in a heap, with not even a turkey to break their fall.”

— Eoin Colfer

123. “Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.”

— Eoin Colfer

124. “I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.”

— Eoin Colfer

125. “Wasn’t there a plasma cannon back here somewhere?” “No. You donated that to the orphanage.” Foaly did not waste time wondering why he would have donated a plasma cannon to an orphanage but instead kept digging through the junk in the van.”

— Eoin Colfer

126. “Giving evidence against one’s employers was the first step to unemployment.”

— Eoin Colfer

127. “That’s the problem with being a semi-reformed criminal: you are never free from guilt. Exposure is always just a phone call away.”

— Eoin Colfer

128. “Look at those two. Wasting time. You wouldn’t catch me doing that.”

— Eoin Colfer

129. “The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.”

— Eoin Colfer

130. “Holly frowned at her. “Glad to see you’ve forgiven yourself so quickly.” “Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health.” “Child geniuses,” growled Holly. “Genii,” said Minerva.”

— Eoin Colfer

131. “What I did was shameful. I was weak and I will carry regret for the rest of my life.”

— Eoin Colfer

132. “Exactly, Artemis,” confirmed the bodyguard. “Or, as we used to say in the Delta: we are running blindfolded into the kill box.” Artemis’s face fell. Kill box? Holly shot Butler a withering glance. Nicely put, big guy. Artemis’s family lives in that kill box.”

— Eoin Colfer

133. “You didn’t foresee a troll-riding dwarf pushing your plane down the runway. You must be losing your touch, Artemis.” He.”

— Eoin Colfer

134. “Commander: What’s that? Foaly: It’s a finger, what does look like?”

— Eoin Colfer

135. “Why no aggressive action?” Foaly squirmed in a harness built for two-legged creatures. “Oh yes, why no aggressive action? How I long for aggressive action.” “I live for aggressive action!” thundered Orion squeakily which was unusual. “Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn ‘round that I may smite it.” “Smite it with what?” wandered Foaly “Your secret birthmark?” “Don’t you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.”

— Eoin Colfer

136. “I know what dissipate means, Arty. I’m not three, for heaven’s sake.”

— Eoin Colfer

137. “According to the Book, they had once been equipped with wings of their own, but evolution had stripped them of this power. All but the sprites. One school of thought believed that the People were descended from airborne dinosaurs. Possibly pterodactyls. Much of the upper-body skeletal structure was the same. This theory would certainly explain the tiny nub of bone on each shoulder blade.”

— Eoin Colfer

138. “We get an apartment together, and after a whirlwind courtship you marry my sister and honeymoon in Vegas.”

— Eoin Colfer

139. “The commander had decided to take offense at the fact that the first female officer in Recon’s history had been assigned to his squad. Recon was a notoriously dangerous posting with a high fatality rate, and Root didn’t think it was any place for a girlie. Well, he was just going to have to get used to the idea, because Holly Short had no intention of quitting for him or anybody else.”

— Eoin Colfer

140. “Artemis had once seen Holly get into a fistfight with another elf who said her hair looked pretty, because she thought he was being sarcastic, as she was sporting a fresh crew cut on that particular day. Holly didn’t go on many dates. Holly.”

— Eoin Colfer

141. “When it had all become too much for the pixie, her brain had simply shut down, all except the most vital functions. She still breathed, and occasionally the monitors registered a dream spike in her brainwaves. But other than that, for all intents and purposes, Opal Koboi was no more.”

— Eoin Colfer

142. “When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn’t.”

— Eoin Colfer

143. “I miss my suits...”

— Eoin Colfer

144. “I know what you’re thinking,” said Root. “Why am I picking on you every day? Why don’t I ever bawl out those other layabouts?” Holly said nothing, but agreement was written all over her face. “I’ll tell you why, shall I?” Holly risked a nod. “It’s because you’re a girl.”

— Eoin Colfer

145. “She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. -Artemis Fowl.”

— Eoin Colfer

146. “Artemis was propped on his elbows. “You hit me,” he said in disbelief.”

— Eoin Colfer

147. “Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn’t believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby’s for ten thousand a term.”

— Eoin Colfer

148. “This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several miles underwater, with a murdering band of fugitives at one end and an enthralled but still highly skilled police officer at the other.”

— Eoin Colfer

149. “Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.”

— Eoin Colfer

150. “Butler shot one of the half dozen diners a fierce glare, just in case she might be planning something. The woman must have been at least eighty.”

— Eoin Colfer