Top 280 Eoin Colfer Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I’m trying to do something decent now, Captain.”

— Eoin Colfer

252. “The cow spat. “What are you going to do? Not eat me?” “That’s right. I won’t eat you and I won’t eat your entire family. Wherever they hide, I’ll find them and not eat a single bite.”

— Eoin Colfer

253. “It was a woefully inadequate response, and Artemis was instantly appalled with himself. Pathetic really: I don’t like lollipops. No self-respecting criminal mastermind would be caught dead even using the word lollipops. He really would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such as this.”

— Eoin Colfer

254. “The Brill brothers fled to the cockpit, trying to simultaneously bow, look at their feet, not think anything dangerous, and above all, not pass wind.”

— Eoin Colfer

255. “We lost the crickets.”

— Eoin Colfer

256. “There’s always time for babbling.”

— Eoin Colfer

257. “He was the point dog, sent in to check for hostiles. His orders were simple. Bite everything. If it screamed, it was hostile.”

— Eoin Colfer

258. “Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.”

— Eoin Colfer

259. “Oh, I’m crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I’ve got them all, but most of all, I’m crazy about you.”

— Eoin Colfer

260. “Holly, I wish you wouldn’t appear like that. I’m a bodyguard. I get jumpy.”

— Eoin Colfer

261. “Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.”

— Eoin Colfer

262. “She could see the pollution in them, bleaching their skin white and giving them red sores on their backs. And although she smiled, her heart was breaking.”

— Eoin Colfer

263. “Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.”

— Eoin Colfer

264. “And was his conscience not needling him, leeching some of the sweetness from his victory?”

— Eoin Colfer

265. “The name’s Bond. James Omar Bond.”

— Eoin Colfer

266. “In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children.”

— Eoin Colfer

267. “Red was smiling back at me. “Ok. I’m not in trouble. But tell me your heart didn’t start beating for the first time in a month.” I couldn’t deny it. So I didn’t.”

— Eoin Colfer

268. “Benny was awake again. Happened every morning.”

— Eoin Colfer

269. “Unlike fairies who could produce only a single child every twenty years, Mud People bred like rodents.”

— Eoin Colfer

270. “It’s a game box. They were invented so teenagers wouldn’t have to talk to grownups.”

— Eoin Colfer

271. “There are a lot of hopes riding on you. But there is a lot of prejudice against you too.”

— Eoin Colfer

272. “Everyone nodded. Technically it was correct, as they did know it now.”

— Eoin Colfer

273. “As the clinic’s janitors, it had been a simple matter for Merv and Scant to plant the acid balloons the previous evening. Of.”

— Eoin Colfer

274. “Ma was using her for-company voice. Sweet on the outside but with an underlying death threat.”

— Eoin Colfer

275. “Mortals, screw ’em.”

— Eoin Colfer

276. “I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I’m often forced to read in the bathroom.”

— Eoin Colfer

277. “I don’t trust any of you.”

— Eoin Colfer

278. “Sometimes, Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker would be thrown out a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they’d phone their lawyer on the way down.”

— Eoin Colfer

279. “The great Stephen King once wrote don’t sweat the small stuff, which I mulled over for long enough to realise that I don’t entirely agree with it. I get what he means: we all have enough major sorrow in our lives without freaking out over the day-today hangnails and such, but sometimes sweating the small stuff helps you make it through the big stuff.”

— Eoin Colfer

280. “I tried to talk about National Geographic one night, and Jason gave me a look like I was insulting him, so I moved on to a safer subject: which of the girls have implants.”

— Eoin Colfer

281. “Foaly is singing,” said Holly. “Surely that’s illegal?”

— Eoin Colfer

282. “But always among the humans, there are those individuals who would control all they see and are threatened by that which they do not understand.”

— Eoin Colfer

283. “Artemis landed on the body heap and blinked the mud from his eyes. Someone, or something, stood naked before him, an ethereal figure glowing with divine light from head to foot. It reached out a shining hand and spoke in a deep movie promo voice: “Pull my finger.”

— Eoin Colfer

284. “I met Jesus,’ mumbled Vern, his head coming up. ‘He weren’t even a good carpenter.”

— Eoin Colfer

285. “And not just a troll, Bellico realized. A troll and its rider. Mulch Diggums was clamped to the back of the troll’s head with a hank of hair in each hand.”

— Eoin Colfer

286. “Artemis stepped into his mother’s embrace. It was warm and strong. She was wearing perfume. He felt like the boy he was.”

— Eoin Colfer

287. “I have it on very good authority that I have a lovely pee-pee, so lay off.”

— Eoin Colfer

288. “I like to be loved, he thought, but he did not voice the notion.”

— Eoin Colfer

289. “I outta get one of those flip signs, Vern thought. “No homicides in: 2923 days.”

— Eoin Colfer

290. “How about the adventures of Gloop and Angry Hamster in the Dimension of Fire?”

— Eoin Colfer